The Outsider
by Savato93
Summary: We all know how your typical self-insert Touhou fic goes: no questions are asked, the OC is blessed with good luck and babes, everybody worships them, and they never, ever think about returning home. Naturally, there are going to be exceptions to this standard... victims of fate, made into playthings by a wicked god, who want nothing more than for their lives to be normal again.
1. Taken

The day started off fairly normally—with me waking up at around noon. I spent fifteen minutes getting dressed, eating breakfast, and downing my daily medications, before setting myself down on the couch, personal high-grade laptop in hand.

The next hour consisted of bouts of annoyance and many rage-quits as I had my ass repeatedly handed to me online, sat through the ending of _Mass Effect 3_, and checked up on flame wars that I had typically sparked with one poorly-timed or badly-worded comment. My personal favorite of those wars was a long string of swears, arguments and counter-arguments that I recently triggered on YouTube when I accidentally mixed _can_on with _fan_on.

Having had my fill of sci-fi and role-playing, it was time for me to turn to one of my other pastimes: danmaku. Namely, Touhou. Simple in concept, complex in design, my mind turned from tactics and superior firepower to intricate bullet patterns as I burned through youkai with relative ease.

I was at peace…That is, until I suffered my third consecutive _game over_ at the hands of Yukari Yakumo.

Fuming, I deftly shut my laptop and dropped it on the couch next to me, picking up the television remote. I flipped through a few channels before settling on _Mythbusters_. Leaning back in the reclining seat, I whistled for my pet dachshund Rozie to hop up into my lap.

Just as the puppy made herself comfortable, a very loud sound akin to tearing fabric reached my ears. Instantly, she sprang up and shot out the pet door whimpering. Grumbling, I called out, "Alright, what happened, mom?"

After three seconds with no response, I remembered: both my parents had left for work before I had even woken up, leaving me home alone. Assuming the worst, I rushed into the kitchen and grabbed the biggest knife I could find.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you…" An unfamiliar girl's voice cooed behind me. I wheeled around, hatchet raised, only to spot a flash of violet in the corner of my vision.

"Mythbusters, eh?" The voice echoed in a mocking tone. "Entertaining show, great concept… you seem to have good taste. However, they never really touch the topic of the _supernatural_, do they…?" Taking a blind guess, I adjusted my grip on the hatchet and pitched it over my shoulder. There was a cry of surprise, and I heard the sound of ripping cloth again. What was that sound?

"Hey, that was uncalled for." I must have missed. The girl was obviously annoyed now.

"You know what else is uncalled for? Sneaking into my house and playing mind-games with me!" I shot back.

"Oh, come on. A girl can't have some fun?"

"My house, my rules. If you want to complain, show some modesty and do it face-to-face."

"Who do you think you are to order me around!?"

"I'm the man who's gonna throw another knife at you if you don't get the hell out." Bad move. The floor suddenly gave out underneath me, dropping me into the abyss.

It was the massive, staring, unblinking eyes surrounding me that tipped me off on one very crucial fact: I had just pissed off Yukari Yakumo.

XXXXX

I spent a few minutes floating through Yukari's void, occasionally looking around but keeping my eyes shut for the most part. I could definitely see how living in a place like this could leave one so mentally unhinged.

Suddenly, a spike of pain shot through my skull. I clutched my head and moaned, waiting for the spontaneous headache to ebb away…

"So, here's how it's going to go: you disrespected me, so I'm going to kill you. You alright with that?"

_What!? NO!_ I spun around, desperately searching for my captor; eventually I found her floating right above me… _Huh. Yukari Yakumo doesn't look quite as Asian as I was expecting. Seems more French at a glance. _ "Have you considered that you may have gotten different results if you had actually introduced yourself?"

"Who are you to argue about logic? You read the news, surfed the web. You've seen so many people complain about it, yet you were _still_ foolish enough to buy _Mass Effect 3_."

I don't remember exactly what I said to defend my opinion of ME3 in the next few minutes after that, but I can vaguely recall a torrent of swears and noodle implements so outrageous, so vulgar, that even Jack would have cringed. "AND I DIDN'T EVEN _BUY_ THE FUCKING GAME! I _PIRATED _IT!" I finished.

Yukari's mouth was agape in surprise and shock. "Jesus Christ. And I thought Reimu could be obnoxious…"

"Fuck you," I gasped as I leaned forward to catch my breath.

…_Oops. I just bad-mouthed a god. Again._

Yukari's expression was unreadable. Just when I was sure that she would kill me then and there, she began to laugh.

Eventually, the laughter died down. Yukari looked at me again, smiling. "You've got guts, kid." The smile vanished. "But the fact remains that you attacked me, and for that you must be punished."

"Hey, that's not fair! You approached me in my own home, without warning, and you expect me to let that slide? I was doing what any _sane_ human being would do in that same situation, unlike those dime-a-dozen pansies you ferry away to Gensokyo on a daily basis!"

A sharp stinging pain flared as Yukari lunged forward and whipped me in the face with something. As she floated back to her original position, I rubbed the cheek where she had struck me; my hand came away bloody.

Yukari concealed her face with her hand-fan, the bright-red of my blood staining the edges. "You're digging yourself deeper and deeper into your own grave, boy. The last person to badmouth me like this… well, let's just say they're not going anywhere anytime soon." She gestured to the infinite expanse of her Void; among the many blood-red eyes staring into nothingness, sat a single sky-blue eye, its gaze darting to and fro, doomed to gaze into the madness-inducing beyond until the end of time. The sight made my blood run cold.

"But…" She rubbed the blood off the fan with a sleeve. "You've intrigued me. As such, I'll give you a choice: either I can kill you… or you can come with me to Gensokyo, see what it's like to live like one of those 'dime-a-dozen pansies' that you claim I use once and throw away like tissue paper."

"That's not fair! I'm nowhere near fit to survive in Gensokyo. I could be killed!"

"Life's not fair. Get used to it."

"But what will everybody else think of this? I'm sure that this spiriting-away wasn't on your schedule. If Reimu were to see me and find out I don't fit your criteria for gappies, she'd _flip_! And the hakutaku would give you no end to trouble for having to clean up after me; I mean, you kidnapped a young in his own home, from a family with whom he was very close, and there's not a doubt in my mind that they will want to know where their little boy is!"

Yukari twitched. "You know what? Fine. I'll take you somewhere where you can more easily adjust to Gensokyo during your stay, and while you're there I go around and sort things out with the relevant Gensokyans. Once I feel you've suffered enough for your misdeeds, you can return home. How's that?"

_Well… I really _could_ die if I'm not cautious… but then, I'll die anyway if I refuse…_ "I suppose I have no other choice… Fine. When do we start this shit?"

"Right now." A gap opened up beneath me, and I was dragged by an invisible force back into reality.

XXXXX

I landed on my ass on a flat stone path. Offhandedly, I raised a hand to my cheek again. The cut must have been shallow, because it had already stopped bleeding. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a packet of tissues I'd been carrying on me for some reason, and used them to wipe my face and hands clean of blood, using a bit of my saliva to rub off any that had dried.

After taking a few minutes to wait out the pain and check that my tailbone wasn't broken, I got up and walked to the front door of the shrine in front of me. Before I could even knock, the screen slid open, revealing Sanae Kochiya standing before me. "Who are you?" She asked in very fractured English. I wasn't sure if it was a good sign that she knew I wasn't Japanese.

"Luke Thesda." I introduced myself. "Are you Sanae?" I knew it was her, of course, but I wasn't sure if it was safe to expose my knowledge of Gensokyo just yet; best to wait until I could judge the extent of the population's self-awareness.

Sanae tried several times to say something, but her poor English failed to express cohesive thoughts. Finally, she sighed and whipped me over the head with her gohei.

For a split-second, I felt like my brain had just been thrown in a freezer. The sensation did _not_ complement my earlier brain-pains. "...Understand me now?" Sanae's English was now perfectly clear.

"Damn it," I moaned, clutching my skull. First the sudden headache back in Yukari's void, and now this… "What did you do?"

"Simple translation enchantment. You'll be able to understand anything said to you, regardless of the tongue in which it's spoken. It even translates different dialects, putting some otherwise-confusing statements into proper context. So, what are you doing at my shrine?"

"Yukari brought me here. Would you mind if I stayed here for a while? I..." The ripping sound, which I could now identify as one of Yukari's gaps, filled the air, followed by a soft thump behind Sanae. We both looked back to find a pleasant surprise: an oversized duffel bag, the same one I often used to lug around my technology between places. Sanae stepped closer and unzipped the bag, revealing my favorite toys: my laptop, an Xbox 360, my Wii (which had been missing for months; how Yukari found it was beyond me… unless she stole it in the first place), a pair of DS consoles, and a small box containing all my games. In addition, all of the cables were neatly folded up and bagged in separate pouches.

On top of it all was a note written in both Kanji and English, probably for Sanae and me, respectively:

_Consider this a gesture of good faith on my part. This is the only place in Gensokyo with normal openly-available AC adapters to plug things into, so you still have at least some ties to reality, and Sanae has a gaming buddy. –Yukari_

_P.S.: Make NO attempt at wooing Sanae. Bang that girl, and the fury of the goddesses will make Yuka look tame in comparison. Also don't worry about the porn stash on your laptop. Sanae's miracles don't extend to guessing passwords. Trust me, I checked._

I was pretty sure Sanae would feel the same way about trying to make a move on her. I turned to Sanae to speak up when I noticed the wicked gleam in her eye. "When's the soonest you can get all of this set up?" She asked me excitedly.

"It depends. Do you have a television?"

"Of course. I'm not sure if it will work with this stuff, though. Let me check." She walked off into the back of the shrine. After a minute or so of very loud noise coming from the back room, she returned carrying a very bulky TV set, looking like it came from 2005 or so. "Is this any good?"

"Yeah, that will do." I fumbled through my bag and produced a power strip to connect everything to a single port. I also produced a wireless modem… which I had never packed before. Attached to it was another note:

_Don't say I didn't think ahead. This modem is magically bound to Mayohiga, the space between Gensokyo and the real world, as well as my home. Your consoles should receive excellent reception as long as you stay in range. –Yukari_

"Pretty it up however she wants, it doesn't change the fact that I'm here against my will," I said, turning the router over in my hands and checking the access code.

"Sounds like you're going to be staying in Gensokyo for quite a bit longer than you hoped. Let's focus on getting you settled in Gensokyo first, though. We can worry about Yukari when the time comes." Sanae set the TV down near the wall and plugged it into an AC dock. "Don't worry about shelter; I'll let you use my shrine as a 'base of operations' during your stay. Seeing as we both came here from the outside world, (_Huh, the wiki was right_, I thought. _I guess that explains why she's a tech nut._) you'll have someone you can confide in, at least partially. Just, try to stay away from Kanako and Suwako. I'm not sure how they'll react to an outsider in their place of worship."

As much as I hated to admit it, Sanae was right. Now was _not_ the time to be moping about my situation. I had to adapt or die, and I had no intention of dying a virgin. "I suppose you've got the right idea. Do you know where I could get a decent tool for self-defense?"

"Ah, ah, ah." Sanae held up my copy of _Halo 3_. "Kill aliens first, THEN we talk weapons."

I had a _long_ night ahead of me.


	2. The Witch, She Cometh

After a few hours of her nonstop questions about every little detail of my games, I had relented and given Sanae a crash course on every major science fiction franchise I give a damn about. Then, to make sure the knowledge stuck, I gave her a pop quiz on random facts. The results were better than I originally expected; at one point, Sanae called me out on what I hadn't even intended to be a trick question, proving that she was smarter than she let on. (She had a point. Geth were technically robots, even if they were made by aliens.)

"So," I started, rummaging through my bag for another Xbox controller. "Do you want to give it a try? I'll do my best to go easy on you."

"You mistake me for a child, Luke. I'll wipe the floor with you!" Sanae retorted. Nodding, I turned back to the TV. I set up a custom game on _Halo: Reach_ multiplayer, using the classic "fiesta" mode so we would never spawn with the same equipment. To prevent nerfing, I locked out the power weapons, but left in the sniper rifle. As it was one on one, I set the point cap to ten.

When the match began, Sanae's miracle-working ability came into play almost immediately, giving her the sniper rifle and DMR, as well as spawning her next to a freaking Wraith tank. She was no pushover with the plasma mortar, leaving me to narrowly avoid energy balls lobbed from halfway across Hemorrage with near-pinpoint accuracy. Seriously, even I normally had trouble predicting the arc of my shots in that thing. In addition, Sanae was all too keen on the concept of asset denial, fire-bombing every vehicle she came across.

Finally, after about five minutes of cat-and-mouse and three deaths, I lucked out and spawned on a hill next to the Spartan Laser (I never said anything about removing heavies from the map itself :D ). With a single blast, I blew up the Wraith and turned the tables in my favor.

I quickly moved in and salvaged Sanae's sniper. With a few well-placed shots, I proceeded to blow up any vehicle Sanae tried to drive, one time no-scoping her right out of a speeding Ghost. With a combination of suppressive fire and blowing up everything else, I finally reached a Revenant. While its shots almost never killed instantly, it moved quickly, had a higher rate of fire, and could boost for sustained periods, which in my opinion made it relatively superior to the Wraith.

Eventually, with one last violent splatter kill, it was over. Sanae was unable to score another point on me after I gutted her tank, making the final tally 10-3 in my favor. After the shrine maiden sulked for a while, I offered to help her improve her game and teach her some advanced techniques, to which she happily obliged.

"Oh yeah..." Sanae said after a while, breaking the tension between student and mentor. "We were supposed to find a weapon for you, right?"

I paused to slot one more unsuspecting player in the head and leave the game before responding. "I was wondering if you had forgotten. Do you have any ideas on where to get one?"

"Well, there are several. First, there's Kourin's shop out by the border; he has plenty of knick-knacks lying around. The prices are fairly low, but so is the quality of his goods." Sanae snickered. "Marisa Kirisame once tried to fire an AK-47, and it ended up exploding in her face."

I shuddered. "Yeah... I've never had a stitch or broken bone in my life. I'd like it to stay that way for as long as possible. What else?"

"There's a blacksmith down in the village. Bit of a perfectionist and it reflects in his work. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but he charges an arm and leg for his services. And I doubt he'd take American dollars for payment..."

"Damn it, that reminds me. My Xbox LIVE subscription ends in a few days..." I rooted through my jeans for money, producing only a $5 bill and some nickels. "...Fuck. Is there any other option?"

"Well, there _is_one... but I doubt you'd like it." Sanae shuffled uncomfortably on her mat.

"I have to choose between cheap stuff that may blow up in my face and genuine weapons of war I can never hope to afford. I doubt it could get any worse..."

"The Scarlet Devil Mansion."

"...I stand corrected. It CAN get worse. Why would I want to go there?"

Sanae shrugged. "Patchouli Knowledge has experience in alchemy. You find the raw materials, and she can craft and shape the weapon with magic."

"Finding raw metals would require a trip underground, which for me is currently suicide. Besides, isn't the purpose of alchemy to turn worthless material into something usable?"

Sanae shook her head. "That's a common misconception. As Patchouli puts it, alchemy is a means extracting and refining precious metals from the earth by means of sorcery. Think of it as a magical filter, that also bypasses the hammer and anvil."

"Huh. I guess that makes sense. But still, how am I going to get the materials? I'm already mooching off of you enough as it is."

Sanae sighed. She fumbled through the folds of her robe and produced a surprisingly modern mobile phone. She dialed a short number and held it to her ear. "…Hey, Kanako, it's Sanae. Could I ask for your help? …No, Suwako isn't spazzing out over that ice fairy again… Of course not. But get this—Yukari gapped another outsider who's _loaded_ with foreign technology, and he's staying at the Moriya Shrine for the time being… Look, that's not the point. He needs some metal for a weapon, and the Underground is pretty hectic this time of year…"

A few seconds passed before Sanae spoke again. "Okay, that's a mixed bag of ores used in modern manufacturing. And I owe you big-time later…" She gave me a sideways glance. "Don't worry. He doesn't look like the type to make the first move, but I'll kill him anyway if he tries… okay, bye." Sanae sported a very nice trollface as she set down the phone.

Three seconds later, a loud crash emanated from the shrine grounds. I rushed to the door for a glance, and lo and behold, a giant clump of rock rested on the stone path. "Consider it a gift for your willingness to put up with me," Sanae said. "Now, the only problem now is getting this thing to the Scarlet Devil Mansion…"

"_I smell treasure, ze!_" Aw, shit.

A black-white witch descended from the skies. Marisa Kirisame floated forward until her face was inches from mine, her golden eyes searching me inquisitively. "Never seen you around here before. The gap hag dropped another one in the middle of nowhere, eh?"

"Please lay off of Luke," Sanae interrupted. "He only just got here. And what do you mean you smell treasure?"

With a wicked grin, Marisa whipped out a set of dousing rods. "Stole these from the mouse when she wasn't looking, ze. I was reading all sorts of bling from your place, so I came down to take a look." She brushed past the both of us and wandered into the shrine.

Sanae and I exchanged looks of horror and followed the witch. Inside, she was already unhooking my consoles and stuffing them all into a burlap sack with total abandon. "I don't know what all this stuff is, but those dowsing rods think it's important, so I guess it's worth borrowing-ze!" I knew _exactly_ what Marisa implied by the word "borrow."

"What the _fuck_, woman?" I screamed at her. She turned to face me. "You think you can just waltz in and "borrow" from a complete stranger? And in the territory of a shrine maiden, no less!?"

"What? You think you can do something about it?" Marisa produced her Hakkero and aimed it at me. "I'd like to see you try."

In a split second, I analyzed my opponent. A prime example of overconfidence, extraordinary power, and a kleptomaniac to boot. This was a girl who relied solely on her power to get what she wanted, and expected her quarry to flee, screaming in terror, when she threatened them. The mere sight of the Hakkero in her hand, in her eyes, should be enough to intimidate anyone.

So I did the last thing Marisa would expect: I charged towards her. The girl's facial expression was equal parts confusion, amazement, and "oh crap" as she was pinned to the wall by a 180-pound wall of flesh. "Get off me, you bastard—" Marisa was cut off when I head-butted her. As she was dazed, I wrenched the Hakkero from her hand and quickly moved away, but not before driving a knee into her stomach for good measure.

"You know how to use this thing?" I asked Sanae in a hushed tone, gesturing to the Hakkero in my hand. She shook her head. _Fuck. Gonna have to bluff my way out of this one._ As Marisa finally stumbled to her feet, I pointed the Hakkero at her, praying that my face didn't betray my position.

"It appears the tables have turned, Miss Kirisame." I said. "Now, would you be so kind as to put my stuff back where it belongs and get out of here? Don't worry about this thing," I shook the Hakkero. "I'll have Yukari return it to you eventually."

Marisa's eyes shot daggers at me. "You're bluffing, ze. I'm the only person in all of Gensokyo who knows how to use the Hakkero."

"But I'm not _from_ Gensokyo, am I?" I countered. "We outsiders have always had a knack for the... unexpected. Do you REALLY want to risk having that pretty little face of yours ruined?" Marisa paled. "Now, hands where I can see 'em."

Sanae moved forward from behind me and quickly relieved the witch of her loot, as well as the dowsing rods. "Is that everything?" She asked the witch, who nodded.

I tossed Marisa her broom, which she gratefully accepted. "Now, get out."

Marisa edged to the door, eyes on me and the Hakkero at all times. "This isn't over, outsider. I'll be back, and there will be hell to pay!" She made a slashing gesture across her throat before mounting her broom and zipping away.

Sanae followed me outside to watch the witch fly away. "Well. I didn't think anyone would be able to pull that off quite the way you did. I have to congratulate you on your… wait, what are you doing!?"

I was standing at the edge of the shrine grounds, staring downhill, the Hakkero in hand. "What? I'm just enjoying the scenery. Never really looked back before now." I adjusted my grip on the Hakkero, getting a feel for the soft, worn-down wood and engraved trigrams.

"You need to watch how you handle that thing, Luke. There's no telling what it will do!"

I turned back to face Sanae, juggling the device between my two hands. "I think you're overreacting, Sanae. I mean, it's not as if anything will happen if I just say 'Master Spa—'"

The Hakkero exploded in my hands, launching me into the sky. The Hakkero slipped free of my grip, disappearing into the forest below. As I continued to fly through the air, the rapid change of air pressure began to affect me, and the corners of my vision began to blur.

The last thing I remember seeing before I blacked out completely was a never-ending field of sunflowers.


	3. A Flower's Stunning Beauty

When I came to, my body was completely numb. I tried to move my arm, but my limbs refused to listen to me. _Nice going_, a voice in my head taunted_. You get yourself gapped by Yukari, trapped with an otaku shrine maiden, and now you blew yourself up with love-colored magic and are paralyzed._

"Please, just shut up," I said to nobody in particular. Luckily, I could still move from the neck up. I craned my head to get a better look at my surroundings. It looked like I had been moved into a modern-style house, not dissimilar to my own home. What set it apart was the large number of potted plants decorating the room. I guessed that I had been lain down on a bed to recuperate. "Hello?" I managed to croak.

"Careful. I wouldn't move if I were you. Not that you _can_, anyway..." The voice sounded muffled and far-off, but was definitely feminine. "I can smell the black-white's magic on you. As a warning, the last person to attempt a Master Spark landed in one of the prankster rabbit's traps. It was _not_ pretty."

"It wasn't on purpose… Where am I…?"

"My home. It was so peaceful, really, until _you_ dropped out of the sky and on top of me…" the voice rose in pitch.

_Wait a minute…_ I thought._ Potted plants everywhere… a field of sunflowers…_

_OH SHIT. I crash-landed on Yuuka Kazami._ "Let's cut to the chase," I quipped. "Can you please just kill me and get it over with? I'd _really_ rather not be tortured."

"What? Tortured…?" the woman I presumed to be Yuuka seemed taken aback. She sounded very close, but was still nowhere in sight. "…Oh, dear lord. You people and your paranoia… I'm not _like_ that!"

"Oh. Well… sorry if I insulted you. So, not to be rude, but why can't I move?"

"Nerve agent." Yuuka's voice had an 'isnt it obvious?' sort of tone to it. "Don't worry, it can't kill you, but you _will_ be stuck there until I give you an antidote."

"And when can I get the antidote? I kinda need to get back to Sanae, return the Hakkero to Marisa… and find a way home."

"Leave it. Marisa could do without her precious toy for a while. Might even help to mellow her out. In the meantime…" Yuka paused. "It's been a while since I last had company, and male company at that. Why don't you tell me about yourself?"

I broke into a nervous sweat. "Well, I _would_, but… It's kind of awkward and uncomfortable when I can't see the person I'm talking to."

"Is that so…?" I found myself lifted into a sitting position. Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain in the small of my back. Immediately, I felt the warmth return to my limbs, and within moments I could move again. I rolled onto the floor and shakily got to my feet. At the foot of the bed, just beyond my line of sight when I was paralyzed, sat Yuuka herself.

She looked nothing like I expected (tall and imposing, with a red-plaid vest and skirt, pink umbrella, and sharp glare). She was small, about Sanae's height, sporting a simple leaf-green gown that matched her shoulder-length hair and eyes. Off to her side was a weathered sky-blue parasol with rips and stitches in the fabric. Her face was soft and unscarred, but her deep, scarlet eyes betrayed her age and experience.

After a while, Yuuka got annoyed by my staring. "I don't suppose you have something to do other than gawk at me?"

"Er, no, of course not. I was just thinking… you look nothing like what the others describe you to be. Nothing in the canon or fanon mentions any of…" I clamped my mouth shut, but it was too late. I had already let slip a clue to my true knowledge of Gensokyo.

"Hmm… speaking of which, your clothes are pretty unusual. It's as if…" The revelation struck Yuuka like a brick. She facepalmed. "…I knew it. You're not from Gensokyo. I keep warning Yukari that nothing good will come of gapping outsiders, but does she actually _listen?_ No!"

"What?" I was confused.

Yuuka sighed in exasperation, then proceeded to explain the situation to me. "Just a second, my memory's a little fuzzy on this topic… Every couple of years, Yukari will bring someone from the outside world and leave them in Gensokyo. Then, she'll sit back and watch as her victim causes absolute chaos wherever they go. She claims it's to give Gensokyo's major groups something to concentrate on besides each other—since if they did focus on each other and things escalated, somebody might end up dead and create a power vacuum—but if you ask me, she just does it to amuse herself. Plus, some crazy stuff manages to break the stalemate every now and then, hence the incidents."

"I can definitely see her doing that," I agreed.

"Indeed. Anyway… you said something about the Hakkero earlier?"

"About that…" I interrupted. "I lost the Hakkero on my way here. I blacked out and it must have slipped from my grasp."

"You _what!?_" Yuuka snapped. I froze.

"Look, I'm not a youkai. I'm a normal human being. I can't just go from ground level to sub-orbital and back, taking it all in stride. It's a miracle that the explosion itself didn't kill me."

Yuuka buried her face in the bedsheets and screamed. I gave her some time to herself to vent her fury. Finally, after a couple minutes of silence, she sat back up, disheveled but calm. "I can't believe I'm going to do this…" She muttered. Before I could ask what she was going to do, she shouted, "Yukari!"

"_Ufufu…"_ Yukari appeared out of nowhere and flung herself over my shoulders, scaring the crap out of me. "You called?"

"I need a favor from you," Yuuka grumbled miserably. It appeared that she shared my sentiments when it came to people jumping her. "I would appreciate it if you could locate the Hakkero."

Yukari let go of me and flopped on the bed. "That's a pretty tall order. I doubt Marisa would take kindly to having her precious thing stolen."

I stared at her blankly. "Who are you trying to fool? You see _everything _that happens in Gensokyo."

"Alright, you got me." Yukari held her hands up in mock surrender. "I know where it is. However, bringing it to you is out of the question. That thing doesn't interact well with my gaps for some reason."

"So where is it?" Yuuka asked.

"Your trajectory placed it somewhere around the Human Village; if not for the wind blowing to the east, you would have landed in the bamboo forest. Unfortunately… someone picked it up not too long after it hit the ground."

"Who?" Yuuka and I asked in unison.

"…Sakuya Izayoi found it. She would likely have taken it to either her mistress Remilia, or the sorceress Patchouli."

"_Wonderful_," Yuuka moaned.

"Fuck," I agreed. We were screwed either way: if Remilia had the Hakkero, she would fight tooth and nail to hold on to it. If Patchouli had it, she would likely dismantle it, study it, and maybe even find a way to replicate it…_ then_ give it to Remilia.

"Hey, you wanted an answer, and I gave it to you." Yukari cooed. "It's not MY fault that you toyed with power beyond your understanding. Anyway, will that be all?"

"Yes, you've given me what I wanted. Now," Yuuka reached for her parasol. "I kindly recommend you leave at once, before _she_ decides that you have overstayed your welcome."

I had no idea what Yuuka was talking about, but Yukari must have had some clue, as she threw herself off the bed and into a gap. With a sigh, Yuuka set the parasol down. "What just happened?" I asked.

She waved me away. "It's nothing. Look, you should get going. It's almost sunset, and the youkai will be all over you. Follow the red dirt path out the front door, and you should have a clear path south to the Hakurei Shrine."

"You seem kinda pissed by Yukari. Aren't you going to do something about it?"

Yuuka gave me a cross look. "I wouldn't. Last person to try that got his fic discontinued." She seemed fairly amused by that.

I grinned. "Oh yeah, I remember that. Things did _not_ end well for him."

_Hey, no breaking the fourth wall!_ Yukari's voice echoed through the walls. _Only _I_ get to do that._

"_Leave_." Yuuka replied darkly.

_Alright, alright, I'm going…_ Yukari's voice faded away and the room became quiet once more.

"So… follow the dirt path, you said?" Yuuka nodded. I quickly thanked her and walked quietly out the front door. As I walked through the sunflower fields, my thoughts turned to Yuuka. She was a complete enigma; save for a short moment after she scared off Yukari, the flower youkai didn't seem to give off any sort of darkness or aggression. In fact, she almost seemed… normal.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Yukari materialized next to me.

"I'll give you a nickel." I flicked one of my silver coins at her. She squeaked indignantly as it struck her forehead. "It's hard to believe that woman back there is _the_ Yuuka Kazami. She's so different from what canon and fanon describe her to be."

Yukari grinned. "Your confusion is understandable… and completely justified. That woman isn't Yuka; at least, not really. The REAL Yuka is exactly as wicked and ferocious as the fanbase believes."

"What?" I stopped in my tracks and turned to glare at the woman. Then I remembered something that "Yuuka" had said to Yukari, something about another girl threatening to attack her unwelcome visitor. "What do you mean? Does she have multiple personalities or something?"

"Of course not. In a world where the weak are fated to become food for the strong, a youkai cannot afford to be self-conflicting."

"So who _was_ she?"

"…That was her twin, Hana."

…THE FUCK.

(A/N: I felt that the series just wouldn't be as fun without Yuuka being the sadistic bitch we know and love (to fear!). So instead, I gave her a sister. Hana is the Romanized translation for "Blossom", so it fits her as a flower youkai.

Also, I found a fairly decent map of Gensokyo (much easier than coming up with a general layout by myself) that implied that Yuuka doesn't actually LIVE at the sunflower garden. According to the map, the Garden of the Sun sits at the base of Youkai Mountain, while Yuuka's home is on the opposite side of the map, near to the Hakurei Shrine. For the sake of plot, Yuuka's home is situated in the garden in this story.)


	4. A Trip to the Library

"Whoa, whoa. Slow down." I turned to face Yukari directly. "You're telling me Yuuka has a _sister_? Then why in God's name is there no mention of her in the fanbase?"

Yukari twirled her parasol in boredom. "Well, there are several reasons. For one, very few people know that Hana Kazami even exists. Her psychotic twin is, ironically, the more social of the two. The few times Hana's been spotted, people who didn't know better would simply identify her as Yuuka."

"You said there were other reasons…?"

"…Another reason that Yuuka's sister doesn't exist in the real world is I won't _let_ her exist. Between you and me, I'm actually kind of protective of Hana, and the last thing I want is for her to be victimized by those sick doujin artists."

"But you've been targeted as well, have you not?" I pointed out. Utter silence. "…right. Shutting up now."

"Good boy. And for the record, those particular artists have met with very unfortunate ends. But that's not important…" Yukari's expression darkened. "Thing is… she's not quite right in the head. It's not something that can be easily described, but if she were to be exposed to the chaos of Gensokyo, the results would be… catastrophic, to say the least. Bottom line, I keep her isolated for her own sake, as well as everybody else's.

"I… I see. Well… do you have a phone? I need to contact Sanae."

"Oh, sure thing." Yukari produced an iPhone and quick-dialed Sanae. She handed it to me.

"_What is it, Yukari?"_ Sanae sounded annoyed to be hearing from the gap youkai.

"Sanae, it's me, Luke. I'm calling from Yukari's phone."

"_Oh, Luke!"_ Sanae cheered up instantly. _"I was wondering where you went to. I was confident that Yukari would find you, so I went back to playing. I've made this incredible Forge map that I want you to try…"_

"Later, I promise. I landed in the Garden of the Sun." I looked to Yukari, who shook her head. "…Yuuka found me. She must have been in a good mood, because she just kicked me out of her garden. Yukari found me after that."

"_Lucky. Not very many people encounter Yuka in a 'good' mood. Where will you go now?"_

"I'm heading to the SDM. Could I meet you there in an hour? And if you can, bring the metal with you. I've got some business with Patchy."

"_No problem. I'll see you there." _Sanae hung up.

"Let me guess," Yukari said as I returned her phone. "You want me to take you there?"

I shrugged. "Don't see why not. Besides, we're heading in essentially the same direction…" I jerked my thumb back to Yuuka's house. "…Away from there."

As if on cue, a low roar emanated from Yuuka's house. Yukari flinched. "Good point." She spawned a gap next to her. I caught a faint glimpse of a brick wall on the other side. "Hop in."

I gladly obliged and walked through the portal. Yukari followed after me, sealing the gap behind us.

XXXXX

"_Who trespassed in my territory!?_" Yuuka Kazami roared. She had just woken up when she smelled the foul magic of that gap bitch in her home, and immediately gone into rage mode.

Hana pinched the bridge of her nose, sighing in exasperation. "They're gone, I took care of it. There's no need to go on a killing spree."

"I _beg_ to differ." There was a malevolent glint in Yuuka's eyes. "It's bad enough that _she_ waltzed in our home with no invitation, but she had the NERVE to bring a human boy with her?"

Hana backhanded her sister. "_Calm down._ If anyone is to blame, it's me. I'm the one that brought the boy in. Yukari just appeared to pick him up and take him out of the Garden."

"Is that so?" Yuuka was still fuming, but relaxed somewhat. She sat down, massaging her jaw. "Another outsider, I presume? They're the only ones who would have the gall to come to my Garden."

"Yes. He's got skill, but his luck leaves much to be desired. He accidentally blew himself up handling the Hakkero and landed here."

"Huh. I thought I caught a whiff of the black-white's magic."

"Indeed. So can you _please_ just stop with the death threats? I swear, if someone looked up 'disproportionate retribution' in the dictionary, they'd see your picture."

"You're too soft, you know that?" Yuuka chided. "It's a wonder that you've survived for so long, being such a pussy."

"We represent the two faces of nature, remember? I stand for the peace and beauty of the wild, while you… well, you know. And you can't harm one without inciting the fury of the other."

"Whatever you say," Yuuka grumbled. She wondered why she ever put up with her pussy of a sister. She was contemplating just kicking her out; one good Master Spark and—

"I can Master Spark too, you know." Hana interrupted her thoughts, which Yuuka had no doubt she was reading. "So get over it. You're stuck with me."

"Whatever. I'm going out for a walk." Yuuka walked through the front door, slamming it shut behind her. However, Hana knew her twin far too well to be fooled by such a meager excuse.

…She would have to shadow her, make sure she didn't get into any trouble. Yukari would be furious that she sneaked out of the garden without permission, but she could deal with that when she got around to it.

XXXXX

"I'm sorry, but for the last time, no. Although Mistress Remilia is awake right now, she is not taking visitors at this time."

I facepalmed. "Why not?"

"She's in the middle of a… _meal_. It'd be very unwise to disturb the mistress while she's feeding."

"You're taking this crap a little too seriously, if you ask me." Yukari and I had been held up for the past ten minutes by Meiling, the gate guard. During that time, I started getting a headache. I assumed it was the result of missing my daily medication after Yukari gapped me.

While Yukari recommended that we simply gap inside, I had insisted on the diplomatic approach, saying that just breaking into the SDM would make Remilia even less likely to return the Hakkero, if at all.

Yukari pulled me off to the side. "Oh, fuck this. Can we try my way now? We obviously aren't getting anywhere fast." The gap youkai was pissed off to no end.

I was about to answer, but a heavy thump behind us announced Sanae's arrival. The shrine maiden sat atop the mound of metal, now molded into a smooth sphere. "Look, we just want to chat with Patchouli Knowledge. We don't mean anybody any harm."

"Be that as it may, it's my job to let nobody in." Meiling hesitantly replied. I had to admit, in the extremely rare occasion she was awake, Meiling was a very dedicated guard.

_There's GOT to be a way to get in…_ In the deep, dark recesses of my mind, an idea formed. It was a very cruel and underhanded idea, but it would put Meiling out of the picture. _Question is, should I go through with it or not?_

…_Meh, Meiling's a butt-monkey anyway. The consequences, if any, probably won't be that severe._

"Hey, are those natural?" I pointed to Meiling's chest. "I've met a lot of women who claimed to be well-endowed, only to discover they were lying."

Meiling glanced down, squeezing her breasts. "Of course they're natural. I don't wear pads like—" the unfortunate girl was cut off by a knife buried in the back of her skull.

"That was a dirty trick." Sakuya Izayoi materialized next to the fallen girl. She looked to me. "…I commend you for your ingenuity. Next time you pull a stunt like that, however, I will kill you."

I blinked. _So much for no consequences… _"Duly noted." I nodded. It was not a good idea to be on the bad side of a woman who could -literally- kill you instantly. "Yukari here said that you found the Hakkero and brought it back to the Mansion with you. Is there anything I could do to convince you to return it? I don't intend to return it to Marisa, in case you're wondering."

Sakuya paused. "The look on your face tells me that Kirisame is the least of your problems. Are you worried what would have happened if I surrendered the black-white's weapon to the Mistress?" I froze. "I see that I am correct. But don't worry—I haven't told Remilia. Believe it or not, even I accept that there are some things that she is better off not knowing."

"So where is it now? Do you still have it?" Sanae asked.

Sakuya shook her head. "I gave it to Patchouli for safekeeping. The mistress would have sensed the Hakkero's power on my person, so I'm keeping it in the library, which is saturated in magic."

"Smart thinking." Yukari nodded. "I doubt that Remilia would stop even at harming her head maid to get her hands on it."

"You take me for a fool, Yakumo."

I stepped forward. "In addition to the Hakkero, I came to request Patchouli's aid for creating a weapon." I gestured towards the metallic orb that Sanae was sitting on. "We brought her material to work with, and she is free to keep whatever remains afterward."

Sakuya stepped forward to examine the metal. "Let's see… well. These metals are quite rare in Gensokyo, and I'm sure Patchouli would appreciate the extra materials for her research…" she thought for a moment, and then nodded. "Your request is very agreeable. I'll contact Patchy and tell her you're coming in; I'm sure she'll be willing to set aside her research for just a little while."

"That's no small feat, to get the bookworm to willingly part with her books. How do you manage that on a regular basis?" I asked.

"My interactions with the residents of the Mansion are my own business." Ouch. "So, once you've had a word with the mistress, I'll be waiting in Voile with the Hakkero."

Sakuya's form flickered once. With a yelp, Sanae dropped to the ground, the orb underneath her having disappeared. Sakuya suddenly looked very tired. "You know, I would have been more than happy to help you carry that in," I suggested.

"No…" Sakuya panted. "It wouldn't be fair to set a burden on a guest."

"Hey, it beats trying to explain irony to a fairy," Yukari quipped.

Suddenly, all the women around me burst into laughs and giggles. Even the unconscious Meiling smiled. "Er, what are you guys talking about?" I inquired.

"That idiot Cirno somehow managed to freeze herself a few months back," Yukari explained between fits of laughter.

"…Wow…" I'd have to ask somebody about that later.

"Anyway, come on in." Sakuya motioned for the group to enter.

"Are we going to do something about that?" I pointed to Meiling.

Sanae dismissed my question with a wave of her hand. "Oh, she'll be fine in about two hours."

XXXXX

"So this is the outsider…" Remilia Scarlet purred, looking me over with her piercing red eyes. The petite girl had small specks of deep scarlet blood dotting her dress, evidence of the contents of her recent meal. "Looks like a sweet kid… sweet enough to eat, if you ask me." She grinned, baring her wickedly-sharp fangs at me. "I _did_ just get interrupted in the middle of my feeding, after all."

"The boy belongs to me." Yukari interrupted. "We're here to see Patchy, and once we've spoken to her, we'll be on our way."

"Geez, such a whiner." Remilia shifted in her seat. "At the very least, could you pay a visit to my sister? She's been very lonely as of late, and I think a playmate would do her some good." She glanced over the group in front of her. "Any takers? Or should I pick someone out myself?"

Sanae stepped forward. "I can handle this, guys, you go on to Voile. I mean, what's the worst a little girl could do?"

_Several hours from now, she'll run screaming through the door as the harbinger of death closes in._ I kept my mouth shut.

"That will do." Remilia gestured to a door to her right. "Follow that hall to the end, and make a left. The door to Voile will be the third on the right."

With quick thanks, Yukari and I left the room. "Now, if you'll come with me…" Remilia motioned for Sanae to follow her, "I'll introduce you to Flandre."

XXXXX

"Yukari. Outsider. Good to see you made it past Remilia." Sakuya greeted us as we entered the Magic Library.

"Thank you. And for future reference, my name is Luke."

"I'll keep that in mind… Luke." Sakuya smiled wryly. She stepped over to a nearby table and picked up a small object. She held up the Hakkero for us to see. "I believe this is yours. I intend to hold you on your word that this does not return to Marisa's hands in the foreseeable future."

"Don't worry; I have no intention of giving this thing back for a while." I gratefully accepted the Hakkero from Sakuya. "As long as I hold this weapon, Marisa poses no significant threat as a thief. And if she still tries something, perhaps, say, a raid on the Scarlet Devil Mansion, she will be so thoroughly pummeled that she won't even think twice about robbing anybody for a _very_ long time."

"Did I hear my name-ze?"

OH. FUCK. NO.


	5. Catastrophe in Voile

"Well, speak of the devil…" Sakuya muttered under her breath.

"YOU!" Marisa cried as she zipped into view. "You're to one who took my Hakkero! Give it back-ze!"

"What, this?" I lifted my prize. "Look, it's about time you learned some humility. You're not going to accomplish that unless you're brought down to everybody else's level." I stuffed the Hakkero into my pocket. "As such, I'll be holding on to this for a little while longer."

"Careful, Luke, don't want to piss her off _too _much…" Yukari warned.

"So you're gonna be like that, eh? Fine!" Marisa drifted lower to the ground until she was level with me. "The Hakkero may be the source of the most of my power, but at least I have enough natural talent to beat you into the ground!" She rose to a standing position on her broom, and with a burst of blue light, shot towards me. "_Stardust Reverie!_"

I quickly skipped to the side, dodging the blue bullet zipping towards me. Marisa, suddenly lacking a target, crashed headlong into a bookshelf. "A question, Yukari. Is it really necessary to announce your attacks?"

"Most youkai with an innate sense for magic can manipulate the elements at will, as well as some miko. Others who must struggle to use magic must recite an incantation. Luckily for them and unluckily for us, said incantations are fairly short, barely more than a phrase or two." Yukari cocked her head, narrowly missing a danmaku star aimed at her face. "Of course, people like _her_ do it either way for their ego."

"Ah." I spotted a wand on the nearby table. As a joke, I picked it up and aimed at Marisa, who was floating out of the pile of books that collapsed on her, and cried, "_Stupefy!_"

Imagine my surprise when the tip of the wand flashed a bright red, and Marisa was flung off her broom by an invisible explosion, into another bookshelf. "What the hell!?" I pitched the wand away in horror.

"Yeah, guess you weren't expecting that." Yukari shrugged. "I have a habit of gapping random stuff from different franchises whenever I get bored. Figured Patchy would appreciate another magical toy once I was done wreaking havoc with it."

"Hey, who's messing with my equipment?" A quiet, weak voice echoed through the library. A small girl with long violet hair and dressed in a poofy pink-purple gown floated into view.

"Oh, Patchouli. I was beginning to wonder where you were." Sakuya drifted up to the sorceress. "As you can see, we, er…"

"The rat has had something stolen from her, for a change." Patchouli Knowledge floated to the ground and walked up to me. "And the culprit is a mundane. If that hasn't dealt a blow to her ego, I don't know what will." The Hakkero slipped out of my pocket and landed in Patchy's outstretched hand.

"You're not going to hand that over to Remilia by any chance, are you?" I asked nervously.

"Of course not. I agree with Sakuya that giving the Hakkero to Remilia would be an unwise action." Behind Patchouli, the metallic orb levitated through the air and came to a rest on the ground in front of Yukari. Meanwhile Patchy was fiddling with the Hakkero, which began to glow a soft blue. "I received your offering, and you should be happy to know that I would gladly take you up on your proposition. Before we can start, however…" She glanced to the fallen bookshelf, where Marisa took to the air once more, her eyes red with fury. "The infestation needs to be dealt with."

"What do you suggest? I prevented her from stealing my stuff, dealt her a cheap blow, took her weapon, and humiliated her, yet she keeps coming."

"Yeah, she used to be a LOT more reasonable before Reimu introduced the concept of lives to the Danmaku system," Yukari added.

"Relax, I've got this under control." With a flick of her wrist, Patchouli pitched the Hakkero to Marisa, to my shock. "I've no quarrel with you today, Kirisame. Just take your trinket and leave!"

Marisa caught the Hakkero with one hand, a wicked grin plastered on her face. "Oh, I will. But first… I'm going to get some payback!" She took aim at me with her reacquired weapon. "MASTER SPAR-"

At that instant, Marisa's building power set off the magic-sensitive trigger Patchouli had planted on the Hakkero, absorbing all the energy the witch was pouring into it, and throwing it all back at her. Long story short, the Hakkero sputtered and exploded in Marisa's face.

Yukari cringed as the girl went sailing off her broom; I on the other hand fought back the urge to comment on the irony and déjà vu of the situation.

The words instantly died in my throat when a pillar of light blew through the roof, consuming Marisa completely. After a few moments, the beam dissipated and Yuuka Kazami dropped in through the hole. A smoking body sat at her feet.

"Where have you run off to, Yukari…?" Yuuka called. "Thought you could just walk into my home and not hear from me, eh? Well, you thought wrong!"

"Oh shit…" I gaped.

Hearing my exclamation, Yuuka gave me a sideways glance. "I'm guessing you're the one that my sister picked up. And the bitch had the nerve to set you down on _my_ bed! Oh, how I'm going to enjoy tearing you limb from limb…" Off to the side, Sakuya and Patchouli both wore a baffled expression.

I held my hands up. "Hold on. I didn't land in your garden on purpose..." I paused to reconsider my statement. "It wasn't a conscious act, anyway. How about I just let you destroy Yukari, and I vanish from your life and never bother you again?"

Yuuka tilted her head, thinking for a moment. "…No, I'd rather kill you. It's always more fun to dismember somebody than to let them go."

"What are you _doing_, you fool?" Sakuya hissed at me. "You can't reason with _any_ wild youkai, let alone _her_! You're going to get yourself slaughtered!"

"Can _you_ think of a better option!?" I snapped back.

"WHAT'S GOING ON HERE!?" The doorway to Voile shattered inward, getting everybody's attention. A slim brunette girl with an oversized hair ribbon and a modified miko outfit stepped into view. "First I learn Yukari gapped in an outsider without alerting me, and now _this?_ She's got a lot to answer for when I find her…"

_Thank god, Reimu's here; she's got the political pull to defuse this situation. But speaking of Yukari..._ I glanced around to discover that she'd vanished. _Aw hell no, don't tell me the bitch abandoned us!_

"Oh my, another sacrificial lamb? Wonderful." Yuuka raised her parasol, the tip glowing a hot pink, and took aim at me. "So, who wants to die first? After this boy, of course. To be fair, I'll give you five seconds to pray to whatever gods you worship."

Reimu whipped around and spotted me. Almost immediately, she groaned. "Oh, no. An _American_."

"Hey, what's _that _supposed to—"

"Time's up."

My statement was cut off as the world exploded around me.

It's a peculiar feeling, getting blasted head-on with a danmaku bolt. For a brief instant, all I could feel was a mind-numbing, searing hot pain blooming in my chest. I vaguely recall being blown off my feet and tossed through the air ragdoll-style. Before I could realize what had hit me, I slammed into the wall.

The pain that shot through my skull upon impact drowned out all other sensations, followed shortly thereafter by oblivion.

XXXXX

Reimu Hakurei visibly blanched when the outsider boy slammed into the wall head-first.

She knew that Yukari had contingencies set in place for emergencies like this, but this poor boy couldn't have been in Gensokyo for more than a day or two… nowhere near long enough to come to terms with his new surroundings. Silently, she prayed that he'd survived; or, failing that, that his death had been quick. Some people just had the worst luck.

"Blast, I think I may have overdone it." Yuuka sounded disappointed. "I was planning on keeping him alive to torture later…" She shrugged. "Oh, well. Who's next?"

"_Scatter!_" Reimu didn't need to be told twice. At Sakuya's command, the remaining conscious girls in the room took to the air.

Yuka's lips spread into a maniacal grin. "Putting up a fight, eh? That's more like it!" She raised her parasol and opened fire with staggered waves of petal-shaped danmaku. Sakuya and Patchouli ducked behind bookshelves for cover while Reimu rapidly brought up a barrier to absorb the shots.

As the other girls began to trade fire, Yukari silently tiptoed out of a gap behind a bookshelf, out of view of the combatants. She waited for an opening, and once one was presented to her, she snuck over to Luke's prone form. She checked his pulse and discovered that, beyond all odds, he was still alive, albeit in a coma. This kid must have been something, to take a hit from Yuuka. That sure was a nasty burn on his chest, though…

_Bah, who am I to complain? This just makes the task-at-hand easier for me._ Yukari propped the boy up against the wall and examined his skull. Right away she found a massive crack just behind his right ear. This had probably done a number on the right half of his brain, so Yukari would have to fix that. Quietly, she gripped Luke by the scalp and did what she does best: warping reality.

Within moments, the blood flowing from the wound vanished, and the bone shifted back into position. The brain damage was a bit trickier to fix, but Yukari managed, and soon enough the boy looked good as new. Confident of her work, Yukari produced a pail of ice water and upended it over his head…

XXXXX

For a short while, pure, suffocating darkness was all I was aware of. Later on, I would look back to the experience and question if that was what I could look forward to in the afterlife…

Then, I was suddenly thrust back into reality by a blast of coldness washing over my face. I began to sputter and flail as the feeling returned to my body. Quickly, I discovered that I was soaking wet for some reason.

"Sorry about that. It was the only way I knew of to wake you up in a hurry." I frantically pawed around until I found my face and rubbed the water out of my eyes.

"What… what happened?" I coughed. Finally, my vision began to clear up, and I found Yukari crouching in front of me.

"Yuuka hit you with a danmaku shot and propelled you into the wall." That explained the tingling in my chest. "'Damn near caved your skull in on impact, I might add. I managed to fix you up, but you're going to be disoriented for a while."

Slowly, my memory of the past few minutes came back to me. "But… what about Yuuka…"

"Don't worry." Suddenly, Yukari put a hand to her ear. "I get the feeling that that situation is about to resolve itself."

Before I could ask her what she meant, an echoed scream reached my ringing ears.

"_I NEVER AGREED TO THIS! THAT CHILD IS INSANE!"_

Huh. I was wondering where Sanae'd gone to.

Still firmly planted at her entrance point, Yuuka was caught unprepared when Sanae flew straight through the smashed-down door and bowled into the flower youkai. As Yuuka doubled over, clutching her gut, another girl shot into the room.

I turned away to avoid witnessing the sure-to-be-painful impact. Suffice it to say, telling from the sickening crunch I heard, neither Yuuka nor Flandre Scarlet remained conscious long enough to see who had the thicker skull.

"What happened?" Patchouli drifted into view. "Why did she stop shooti… oh. Oh dear. Sakuya…?"

"Huh?" There was a sudden scream off to my right. _"YOUNG MISTRESS!"_ Sakuya shot to Flandre's side and picked her up, cradling her like a newborn as she inspected her. She eventually let out a sigh of relief. "…She's still breathing. Thank _god._"

"Well… that's _one_ way to defuse a situation," Reimu said. "Where's that boy? Is he okay?"

"Over here," I called out with a hoarse throat. "And I have a _name_, you know. Luke."

"I'll keep it in mind." Reimu touched down in front of me and Yukari. She only spared the gap hag a brief, infuriated glance before returning her attention to me. "That was some hit you took back there. For a moment I was worried you'd been killed."

"I managed to fix the most severe injuries," Yukari explained. "So no wor—"

"_Gah!_" Yukari was cut off by my cry of pain. I clutched my head as a burning spike of agony shot through my skull. "What the _fuck_ did you _do?_ It feels like somebody's drilling a hole in my skull!"

"It's probably nothing, kid. You _did_ just receive a serious skull fracture; it would be a bad sign for there _not_ to be some pain, because that would mean I failed to stitch up your nerves correctly."

Slowly, the pain ebbed away and I picked myself up. "You don't say…"

"Speaking of near-pulverized…" The girls turned towards the source of the mysterious new voice. "Was it really necessary to incapacitate Yuuka in such a brutish fashion?"

Reimu's jaw went slack at the sight before her. "Oh, no. _Please,_ let this all be a bad dream…"

"There's _two_ of them?" Patchouli squeaked. _Oh, now I know who just showed up._

"Hello, Hana," I greeted the conscious flower youkai.

"Outsider." Hana Kazami gave me a nod. "I see Yukari has explained things to you. Though I never had the privilege of learning _your_ name, mister…"

"Luke Thesda. I apologize for us crossing paths under unusual circumstances, again. Also for knocking out your sister."

"Sister…?" Reimu shot Yukari a murderous glare as Hana made her introductions to the SDM residents. "Yakumo…" her voice dripped with venom.

"Look, Reimu, I can explain…" Yukari began to slowly shuffle backwards.

With a flick of her wrist, Reimu buried the tip of her gohei in the gap youkai's forehead.


	6. Cleanup

Reimu prodded Yukari's body with her foot. "Get up, Yukari. You owe me an explanation."

Yukari grumbled and sat up. Her forehead looked as if she had been headshot, blood trailing down her face. "Alright, alright. Just a sec." A gap swallowed her head, and when it dissipated the wound had vanished. "Shoot."

Reimu pointed to me, and then to Hana, who was dragging Yuuka's body around in circles. "Who is she?"

"I hate to be a bother, but do you happen to have a magically-reinforced rope lying around somewhere?" Hana asked out of the blue. Patchy pitched Hana a coil, and within record time she tied her sister's hands and feet, and strapped her to a nearby bolted table. After a moment's consideration, she also ripped off one of Yuuka's sleeves and set a gag on her. "Thanks."

"I believe that it can be summed up as such: she's the _good_ twin of Yuuka... in a sense."

"I can get that, seeing as she hasn't tried to kill us. What I want to know is, why I've never heard of her before today?"

"Because she's an inside girl. She very rarely leaves the house—partly due to her quiet nature, and partly because I advise her not to. In contrast, Yuka's predatory nature moves her to seek out victims, and as a result, she's the more social of the two."

"But why does Yuuka even _have_ a good twin? Sure, she's a dreadnought-class sadist, but on her occasional visits to my shrine she seemed better than usual, okay even, if a bit weird. How do you explain that?"

"I heard that." Hana crossed her arms, put-off by Reimu's attitude. "I'm perfectly capable of imitating my sister when I need to. It's my only way of keeping tabs on the world beyond my home. Of course, seeing as Yuuka only sleeps, maybe, two to three times a month, and I have to tend to the sunflowers when she does, opportunities for visiting your shrine are few and far between."

"What she said," Yukari finished. "Listen, though. Nobody is supposed to know about Hana but me, and now that the secret is, well, not so secret anymore, I need your word that you will speak of this to nobody. Alright?"

"…Alright," Reimu huffed.

Yukari glanced at Patchouli, who also nodded. "You have my word. I can vouch for Sakuya as well, just in case she saw her."

I chose now to butt in. "With all this commotion, that crow tengu will undoubtedly show up for God knows what it is she does on a regular basis. If she does show up and I'm still here, what should I do?"

"I doubt she'll come anywhere close to the mansion. I can count two, three, maybe even four magical juggernauts who could have a bone to pick with her, in a single area."

"Wow, you make it sound like everybody who's made a name for themselves in Gensokyo has a bone to pick with the reporter."

"Just saying…" Reimu paused. "So, Yukari, what about him?" She pointed to me.

_Oh, wait… _I began to stumble towards Marisa's charred body, towards the center of the chamber.

Yukari watched me make my way to Marisa. "Aside from his unusually bad luck, he's fairly competent. He actually managed to peel Marisa's favorite toy away from her using nothing but his wits and the advantage of mass."

As I got closer, I crouched down and searched her body. Finding what I'd been looking for, I pried Marisa's fingers open and reclaimed the Hakkero. _Can't let her hold on to this or she'll kill me for sure,_ I thought. Satisfied, I hobbled back to the pair, stuffing the device in my pocket.

"Did he, now…?" Reimu looked fairly impressed. "He may yet have a shot at survival…" A flutter of movement behind the miko caught my attention. I glanced over her shoulder to see a cluster of chibi-esque girls—fairies— fluttering every which way, picking up books and setting the bookshelves back to their pre-Yuuka positions.

"Excuse me. Young man." Patchouli drifted in front of me.

"My name is _Luke_," I replied sullenly. "I would appreciate it if you people could address me using my given name."

"Oh, _sure_. Just give me all your personal information so I can post it on every message board in Gensokyo!" Yukari replied sarcastically.

I ignored her. "What do you need, Miss Patchouli?"

"You're the one who sought my aid, are you not?" I nodded. "Then come. You fulfilled your side of our bargain already; it's time for me to fulfill mine."

I shrugged and moved to follow her, but Reimu blocked my path with an outstretched arm. "Once you're free, I'd like to have a chat with you. Are you okay with that?"

"…Sure. I don't see why not." Reimu nodded her assent and lowered her arm to let me pass. I stumbled off to follow Patchouli, who was quickly floating away. My legs still felt like jelly due to the head injury, but I somehow managed to catch up.

XXXXX

Patchouli took a seat at the nearby table and picked up a notepad. "Alright. So…"

"Okay, I'd like to try and get an axe or something for—"

"No."

"Um…" I paused. "Pardon me?"

"A weapon needs to be built to suit its wielder. You can't just _pick_ something up and expect it to work as intended." Patchouli poked a finger at me, and I was suddenly shoved back several feet by a gust of wind. "You want an axe? I can tell just from a glance that you lack the capacity for upper-body strength needed to control such a large and heavy tool. All it takes is a single split-second of overextension, and even the weakest of youkai will tear you limb from limb."

"Okay… what do I do, then?"

"Two things. First, hold still."

I was confused, but did as she asked. A slight ticklish feeling shot through my body for a brief moment, and then Sakuya was at Patchy's side, handing her a paper slip. "Here's the measurements." Damn, I felt violated as hell now.

"Thank you, Sakuya." I glared at the sorceress. "Don't look at me like that. I needed some measurements taken to determine the scale of the implements I'm building. You'll thank me later."

"Fine. What next?"

"You get to take a seat and relax as I ask you a few psychological questions. This will determine which type of weapon you're most suited to, as well as your combat style."

"That's not too bad… I guess." I sat down.

"Alright, then." With a snap of her fingers, Patchouli summoned a fairy maid carrying a book. She quietly took it and started skimming through pages. "This should be simple enough: 'You're on the run from a band of criminals. There are three of them, two carrying knives and the other carrying a gun. You manage to outrun them for a time, making it to your house and arming yourself with a knife and a pistol of your own. You look outside to find that instead of attracting attention by breaking in, the criminals have set up right in your front yard to wait for you to come into the open, cutting your phone line so you can't call for help. What is your plan of action?'"

"Are we talking petty thieves, or straight-up killers?"

"They're members of a local street gang. That should give you some idea."

I thought about it for a minute. "Well… seeing as intimidation would be unlikely to work on them, and my only real choice is to confront them… I would play to my home-field advantage. I would sneak out the back door and try to get a line of sight on at least one of them, preferably the man with the gun. If I manage not to get spotted, I would wait for them to turn their backs to me and put a bullet in the head of the nearest target, then run back to the backyard. I would wait just around the corner and throw my knife as a distraction, gunning down the next man to round the corner. From there, it's a matter of keeping my distance from the last attacker long enough to kill them, or if they're using the gun, getting in close where they can't aim, striking them in the groin, and shooting them point-blank for the kill."

"Well thought-out, if a tad reckless…"

"Furthermore, the book doesn't state that I don't have a mobile phone on my person. If I _do_ have one, couldn't I simply call for help and hide in a closet until someone arrives to deal with the thugs for me?"

Patchouli raised an eyebrow. "…taking advantage of a loophole in the scenario. Clever." She jotted down some notes and turned a page in the book. "Next scenario…" This continued for about an hour, with Patchouli giving me a combat situation and me doing my best to make it through alive.

"That should just about do it." After a while, Patchouli shut the book and skimmed through the notes she'd taken. "Okay, telling from your responses to the scenarios given to you… When faced with danger, you keep your distance and tackle threats from afar whenever possible. When keeping your distance isn't an option, you try to force your enemy out of their effective range and take away whatever advantages they have, while still working to keep them at arm's length. You're not so prideful that you won't back down or call for help, and you're not afraid to get a little… _dirty_ with your methods. Does that sound about right to you?"

"Yeah, just about."

"Okay, then… Your most suited weapon for close combat is going to be a sword; a hand-and-a-half sword perhaps, to use with both hands if necessary. It has enough reach for you to remain a safe distance away from a threat, and should be easy enough to control your swings."

_A sword, huh… not my favorite weapon, to be honest, but she has a point._ "But aren't hand-to-hand weapons supposed to be effectively useless in Gensokyo?"

"It should only be used as a last resort. However, I could fit something to the blade to absorb magic, if needed. I think I will do that."

"Alright, that's a good enough explanation for me. Now, what about ranged weaponry?"

"…That's a bit trickier. In Gensokyo, the dominant form of ranged combat is danmaku, supplemented by the spellcard system devised by Reimu." Forgot about that business… makes sense, I suppose. "However, only beings with latent magic potential can use any sort of danmaku, and I don't detect any hint of supernatural power emanating from you. As such… you'd have to make do with a rifle or shotgun."

My eyes lit up. "Great! I'm perfectly fine with using a firearm." I was so excited. I'd only ever owned a measly air-soft rifle back home, and the prospect of getting to use a real one thrilled—

"Unfortunately… I don't actually know how to make one." _That_ instantly killed my excitement.

I opened my mouth to say, "Fuck", but was interrupted by a gap phasing into existence above the table we were working on. _"I can take care of that,"_ Yukari crooned, dropping a large, thick book and some small stacks of papers.

I immediately grabbed the familiar book: an encyclopedia on the history of weapons. "I remember this! It's the only reference book I ever willingly read in high school. This should be seriously helpful."

"_You're welcome. Be warned though, I expect that book to be returned to me as soon as you're done with it. I borrowed it from a library, and I don't want them to discover that it's missing and start asking questions. Later!"_ The gap vanished.

"That woman gets on my nerves, mukyu." Patchouli filed through the papers before setting them aside. She produced a compact cellphone, to my surprise, and held it up for me to see. "Anyway, this should be everything I need. Once I'm done, I'll contact Yukari so she can bring you back."

"Okay. Thank you for your help." I checked my pocket for the Hakkero… yeah, still there. "One last thing, though…" I lowered my voice so nobody else could hear. "Just out of curiosity, how does romance work out between people in Gensokyo?"

Patchouli shrugged. "It varies, depending on the target of your affection and your own species. Keep in mind, though, that youkai comprise the majority of Gensokyo's population. We've lived for God knows how much longer than you, and even if you could somehow make it work, we're bound to keep on living for long after your time has come and gone."

"Way to rub a man's mortality in his face…" I mumbled. I stood up from the table and headed to the door. "Oh yeah, what do you plan to do with Marisa?"

Patchouli gave me an evil grin. "I think I'll strip her down, take some pictures, and hold onto them in case I want to blackmail her in the near future."

"You think you could send me a few of those pictures? I'd like to make sure that she never comes near my stuff again, and I can't imagine a better deterrent than the threat of a headline in the Bunbunmaru Newspaper."

"You are a sick and twisted man, Luke… and I can respect that sort of underhandedness. You've got yourself a deal." Patchouli was rifling through the weapons encyclopedia, already tagging entries of note with colored paper strips. "I'll see you later."


	7. A Chance Encounter With Death

"Get out, get out, _get out!_"

Hana shot past me as I was heading for the door. "Remilia throwing a fit?" I guessed.

"That vampire is _not_ happy about what _my_ sister did to _her_ sister. I'm getting out before that girl kills me!"

"But what about Yuuka? You're not taking her with you?"

"Yukari can take care of her. Besides, it's best nobody sees us both in the same place at the same time."

"Good point."

"Let's try _not_ to make a mess of things the next time we meet, 'kay?" Hana offered as she flew away.

"Sure… next time…" But she was already gone.

…

"You know, I'm starting to think that letting you live was a bad idea."

"Oh? Why is that?" I looked up from the path to glance at Yukari, who had dropped out of a gap and was floating alongside me. I felt that I was starting to be able to predict when she showed up, since she popped in and out of her gaps so often.

Currently, I was on my way to the Human Village, where I could catch a ride back to the Moriya Shrine. Still unable to navigate Gensokyo on my own, I was following directions given to me by Patchouli (written in Old English text, of course).

"You're becoming more trouble than you're worth; I've never had things go down the shitter so quickly with _any_ of the other outsiders. I simply can't waste my precious time following you to clean up the social devastation you leave wherever you go. Granted, I was going to tell Reimu about Hana eventually, but the maid and sorceress weren't supposed to even know she existed. You know where I'm going with this, right?"

"I get the gist of it. Anyway, this might never have happened if you'd just let me be."

"Well, I didn't, so get over it. So, here's my offer for you: if you can make it for the next thirty days without royally fucking something up, I'll take you back home. It'll be as if you never even left."

I was taken aback by this. "I'm grateful for the offer, but will that even be possible? I _am_ an outsider, after all; things tend to go badly when an outsider is brought into the equation. Even before I came here, I had a tendency to make things go pear-shaped _very_ quickly. And what about the stuff Patchouli's making for me? What good would that do me if I'm just going to be forcefully isolated for the next month? A waste of her time and mine, if I say so myself."

"…You can hold onto the weapons for self-defense once you receive them, but you will leave them behind when it's time to go. Now, you are to stay with Sanae—or Reimu, either miko will do—at all times, and if someone tries to start a conversation with you, don't respond. And do not, I repeat, DO NOT provoke the fairies, especially Cirno!"

I gave her a pouty face. "Aw, but I wanted to meet all the other Touhou characters! Can't you at least take me on a tour around Gensokyo?"

"No. If _they_ approach _you_ wanting to talk, you're free to converse with them while they're around, but otherwise you are keep to yourself—"

"Yukari~" A loud, bubbly voice chose that moment to make itself heard.

Yukari looked further down the road. "Well, I'll be damned." She spread her arms wide. "What are you doing up here on the surface?"

Two familiar women finally came into focus. One girl sported a head of wavy pink hair and a sky-blue mob cap that matched her poofy gown. The other had short silver hair, wore a green dress, and had a sword hanging at either hip. What could accurately be described as a giant marshmallow with a tail hung from the girl's shadow. Finally, if there was any doubt to their identity, the silver-haired girl was rolling a wheelbarrow filled with food.

Now I was intrigued. What was Yuyuko Saigyouji doing in the overworld on a normal day like this?

Yukari stepped forward and drew Yuyuko into a one-armed hug. "Sorry I haven't come down to visit you in a while. I've been busy with some things."

Yuyuko smiled. "Is that so?" She took one look at me and pointed. "I'm guessing he's one of those things?" _That was fast._

"Oh, you read me like an open book. Yes, this is the latest outsider to be brought to Gensokyo. Introduce yourself, boy." There was an audible _snap_ from my neck as I twisted to face Yukari. "What? You wanted to meet a youkai, now's your chance!"

I expressed my irritation with a facepalm-sigh combo. "Luke Thesda, at your service." There was a bit of an awkward moment as I put out my hand to shake, while Youmu simply did a short bow and Yuyuko moved to bear-hug me (quite the affectionate one, isn't she?).

"Aww, why don't you want some love?" Yuyuko pouted as I backed away from her open arms. "Come on, I don't bite…"

"No offense, Lady Yuyuko, but I know what you can do. I'd rather not get _intimate_, for lack of a better word, only to end up dead."

Yuyuko said nothing, but continued to pout.

Suddenly, I felt somebody lean on my shoulder, causing me to jump. "Well, I'll be. I see dead people… one and a half, to be precise."

I turned around to spot the Hakurei Shrine maiden. "Reimu? Were you following us?" I asked.

"Just you, actually. Nobody in the right mind would dare stalk Yukari." Reimu glanced at Yukari.

"So, Yuyu, what _are_ you doing in the Human Village?" Yukari asked.

"Well, we were just dropping by the village for groceries," Yuyuko quipped. "I felt like getting out of the house and goofing around for a little bit today, so I bugged Youmu to let me join her."

"Please don't tell me you bought all the food…" Reimu pleaded.

Youmu's face began to burn a hot pink. "No. We got booted out on account of Miss Yuyuko trying to sneak some unpaid-for fresh salmon out of the market, so all we have is bread, rice, fruits and vegetables."

Yuyuko giggled. "Yes, wheats and produce are great and all, but I want some substance in my meals… some fresh _meat_." The ghost girl gave me a mysterious look as she said that last word.

_Please don't be a cannibal please don't be a cannibal please don't be a cannibal… _Then I remembered that the Japanese had a second use for the word 'meal'… _or a reverse necrophiliac._

Reimu looked between me and Yuyuko a few times, sensing the rapidly-building tension. "Well, this got awkward fast. Luke, why don't you come with me to the Hakurei Shrine? I'll let you stay there until Sanae can come pick you up. Plus, I still need to chat with you in private."

I thought for a moment and nodded. "I don't see why not. It saves everybody the effort of shadowing me. Suika hangs out at the Shrine, no?"

As one we turned and continued down the path, leaving Yukari and Yuyuko to shoot the bull. "Well, she LIVES there on occasion, but she's not all _there_. You getting what I'm saying?"

"You mean she drinks enough alcohol to kill a pack of elephants? Yes. And if the canon is any indicator, Yuugi Hoshiguma can only be worse… or better, depending on how you look at it. At least _she_ retains some sense of dignity while she's drunk."

Once we were out of earshot of the youkai—which was quite a ways away due in no small part to their enhanced senses—Reimu looked back to me and uttered in a hushed whisper, "About that… it hasn't come up much, but I need to know that you won't bring up all that stuff about canon and fanon in casual conversation. If we meet someone new, act as if you don't know them. Got it?"

"This would naturally be a useless plan of action against Satori, am I right?" A nod. "Figures. Alright, you have my word. Now, let's get out of here before Yuyuko starts thinking of recipes made from a young man's flesh… or worse."

XXXXX

"_Ah, damn it! SUIKA!"_ Reimu cried upon setting foot in her Shrine. It was an absolute mess: fine china strewn everywhere, the heated table split in half, and sake stains all over the carpet.

Reimu looked to me. "Help me find Suika. I'm gonna kick that loli oni's ass to Bhava-Agra and back!"

"Oi! Ah 'eard mah neam…" I heard a faint hiccup from the back room. Sure enough, a little orange-haired girl with twin horns stumbled into view, shitfaced as ever. She made a beeline straight to me. "Ah see ya f'nally got yaself hitched? 'E looks a weird 'un, ah tell yah…"

I gently pushed the oni away. I could catch her reek of alcohol even _before_ Suika had made her way over to me, and it could only get worse with proximity. "You've got the wrong idea. I'm just staying here until Sanae comes to pick me up."

Suika grinned evilly. "Ahh… a one-nigh' stand? Or ah you one o' those playboys who beds ev'ry girl 'e gets his hands on…?"

Reimu made herself known with a smack of her gohei in hand. "No, and no. Get that filth out of your system and clean this place up before I break off those horns of yours."

"NEVAH!" The oni sprang to life, shooting past me and onto the shrine grounds, arms flailing in the air. Before Reimu had a chance to shoot her down, Suika took into the air. It took only seconds for her to become little more than a small dot in the Gensokyo sky.

Reimu groaned in annoyance. "Honestly, the things I deal with on a daily basis…"

"You want me to help clean up?" I asked.

The miko paused. "…It's not necessary, but I'm not going to insist that you do nothing. I'd appreciate the help. However, if you'd be so kind as to take your shoes off at the door. It's sort of customary."

And so we got to work. I picked up the big pieces of broken china scattered around the floor and dumped it in a wastebin, while Reimu cleaned up all the alcohol with a soapy rag. She then contacted Yukari (with another phone; where are these things _coming_ from?) and got the kotatsu replaced.

"That takes care of most of it," Reimu took a seat. "We can worry about the smaller messes later." She handed me a mug of water, which I accepted.

"So, you said you wanted to talk with me about something?" I asked.

Reimu shook her head. "It can wait. I'm sure you're in a bit of a shock over everything that's happened to you in the past day or so, so I'll give you a few minutes to calm your nerves."

"Ah. Well… thanks, I guess." I quietly sipped from the mug.

XXXXX

"I swear, those fairies can be such a pain sometimes."

"What happened?"

"There were three of them. One was pink, another was yellow, and the last was some kind of indigo. Youmu and I were on our way to the village when they came out of nowhere and attacked us with this giant army of lesser fairies. We beat them off without much trouble, but we had to go back to Hakugyokurou for a replacement wheelbarrow."

"I'm sure it's not a major problem, Yuyuko. No alliance between fairies lasts for very long. I'd estimate a complete collapse of organization within the next week or so."

"Well… now that you put it that way, I'm not so concerned anymore. But what if your outsider boy accidentally interferes and 'fucks something up,' as you so eloquently put it?"

"If he values his well-being, he'll stay out of conflict. He's not insane or suicidal."

…

…_at least, not yet._

XXXXX

A/N: Does anybody know whether or not Youmu makes trips to the village to buy food? There's no real trivia concerning whether or not anything edible grows or lives in Hakugyokurou.


	8. Facing the Truth

I took a deep breath and faced Reimu. "I think this is about as good as I'm gonna get—it's not easy to keep thinking straight with all the shit happening to me recently. Alright, shoot."

"Very well." Reimu looked me up and down, sizing me up. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but most outsiders with a rudimentary knowledge of Gensokyo is aware of the concept of a Gappy Stu. Is that right?"

"Yeah. They're the boring heroes who gain all sorts of unbalanced powers, never lose in a fight, and always get the girl… shame that they're the only characters who ever really get a happy ending."

"Well, just a reminder for you: this isn't just a game. Don't just think you can do whatever you like without suffering for it."

I slammed my fist into the table. "You think I don't know that?" I hissed. "I nearly got killed by that sadist _bitch_ of a flower youkai a few hours ago. Do you know why? I made the stupid decision of toying with power beyond my understanding and blasted myself into her territory, dragging Yukari with me." I jerked a thumb at myself. "I know full well that my actions have consequences. I don't need you reminding me of that fact."

Reimu blinked. "…I can tell I've hit a raw nerve. I'm sorry if I made you upset."

The anger dissipated as quickly as it appeared. I shook my head in frustration. "No, it's not your fault. It's mine. I understand that you're only trying to keep me alive."

"I see."

"I'm sure I'm not the first person you've tried to scare out of attempting to be a hero."

Reimu hung her head solemnly. "Of course not. They all come here acting high and mighty… and then I tell them of the last outsider who met a horrible death for trying to bend our world to their whims. Naturally, they respond by saying they'll be different from the last one, but actions speak louder than words. You're the first person to respond… like _that_. You actually seem like you'd be different from all the rest."

"I don't care about being different; I care about going home," I countered. "It's not like I even _wanted_ to come here. Yukari invaded my family's home, snuck up on me when I was alone. I simply attacked in self-defense, like any sane person would. I had a _life_, and Yukari took it all away from me simply for trying to protect it."

"My lord, you're such a pessimist."

"No, I'm a realist with a guilt complex. There's a big difference. What about my family? My friends? It wouldn't take long for them to realize I'm gone."

"You're a rather special case, Luke." Reimu looked at me, head tilted. "She may be insane by human standards, but Yukari has a pattern to her methods—she only ever targets people around the 18-25 year range, people who have broken ties with their families and live on their own, and even then they have to be evaluated on a case-by-case basis to figure out if their disappearance would make any big impact on their immediate environment. You… your being missing will doubtless raise questions all over the board. I'm betting that Yukari contracted the were-hakutaku to hide the history of your life as soon as she dumped you off on Sanae."

"I'm 19," I said simply. "Those loners actually make up only a small percentage of all adolescents."

"So they do."

We sat in silence for the next few minutes, sipping from our drinks. Finally, I remembered something that I'd been meaning to ask somebody about. "Hey, I've got a question. When Yukari, Sanae and I were trying to get into the Scarlet Devil Mansion, Yukari mentioned something about the ice fairy freezing herself. What's that all about?"

Reimu smirked. "Ah, yes. One of Marisa's crueler pranks, if I say so myself. Cirno had been annoying her incessantly for about two weeks, and one day she simply got fed up with the fairy. So, she made up some crazy scheme involving a tobacco pipe, Suika's gourd, a .22 repeater loaded with rubber bullets, the nuclear hell raven… and a copy of _Playboy Magazine _Issue #100."

I twitched. "Sounds kinky."

"You have no idea. Anyway, she—"

A knock at the front door interrupted Reimu's storytelling. "Come in," she called out. _Damn it, just as it was getting to the good part…_ I silently complained.

"Oh, Reimu! Good, you're home." Sanae stumbled into the shrine. She had a bag of ice held to her forehead, and some brownish streaks could be seen running down her face from where the blood had dried.

"Oh, damn," I muttered. "Are you sure you should be running around with that concussion? It looks pretty serious."

Sanae dismissed my concern with a wave of her hand. "We mikos recover from injuries faster than other people. I'll be fine in a few hours with some rest." Sanae tried to take a seat. She wobbled viciously as she bent over to sit down, and the jerking motions made her clutch her throbbing skull.

Naturally, I didn't buy it. "Show me a time-lapse of that happening, and I'll believe yEEUAAGH!" Suddenly _my_ head exploded in pain. The world around me faded away as lightning surged through my body.

After what felt like an eternity, the pain subsided and my senses began to work again. "…happened to him?" Sanae was saying. Both girls were kneeling over me, looking concerned. "That was practically a seizure."

Reimu snatched the ice bag from Sanae and set it on my head… for all the good it did me. The cold simply served to sting my skin. "He was attacked by Yuuka. She blew him into a wall, came dangerously close to killing him. Actually caved in part of his skull, but Yukari supposedly fixed it. Are you okay?"

I realized that her last statement was directed at me. I simply groaned in response.

"Wait a minute. Yuuka did this?" Sanae looked down at me. Oh, crap, why did you open your mouth, Reimu? "Didn't you say she let you off easy when you fell into her garden?"

"You know how unpredictable she is. She probably chased him down after deciding she was bored. Plus, he did end up attracting Yukari to her home; Yuka just plain despises her for how she messes around so much with her power." Damn, that was fast. Reimu was quick to throw out a believable lie.

Sanae frowned for a moment, but she eventually shrugged. "I suppose you've got a point." _Phew. Crisis averted, for the time being._ The girls grabbed an arm each and pulled me into a sitting position. Sanae picked up the ice bag as it fell and returned it to her own skull. "But Luke, that pain can't be a good sign. You need to see a doctor."

I coughed, trying to find my voice. "Yukari said it would be a bad sign if I _didn't_ feel anything; something about nerves or some shit. Still, I'm pretty damn sure the pain shouldn't be _this_ bad… you're right, a doctor would be a good idea."

"There's a pharmacy back in the village," Sanae remarked, "Run by the folks from Eientei. They should have something that can help you. They're also open 24 hours a day."

"But… that Lunarian, Eirin Yako-something, is a mad scientist, isn't she?" I asked, thinking back to my opinion of the doctor when I got gapped.

"Can _you_ think of somebody in Gensokyo other than Eirin who could fix complicated injuries?" I said nothing as Reimu glared at me. "Exactly. There's no such thing as a perfect solution to a problem, so the Lunarian's the best you've got. Besides, I'm sure that she'll keep you away from her insane experiments; given her professional attitude, she's bound to respect the (admittedly pointless otherwise) diplomatic immunity that comes with being Yukari's special guest."

I had no reasonable counter. Finally, I groaned and nodded. "So be it. But I'm warning you. If this backfires on me in any way, I'm coming back and kicking your ass!"

"Such a short temper..."

"Only on things I disagree with."

Reimu stood up and gripped the sides of the kotatsu, pulling it aside to reveal a hole in the floorboards. She reached down and pulled out a simple wooden box. "At Yukari's request, I keep a stockpile of cellphones to hand out to VIP's whenever they make themselves known after an incident. Given your somewhat unique circumstances, I don't think she will mind if I let you have one."

"A phone? Well, I have my own…" I checked my pockets and produced my cell… which was cleanly snapped in two. "Fuck. Alright, what's my selection?"

Reimu opened the box and passed it over to me. I undid the cloth wrapping at the bottom of the box to expose a collection of iPhones. I briefly pondered just where Yukari got the… oh wait, she's _Yukari_. Ask a stupid question…

"Each phone is programmed with a list of contacts for every other phone-user in Gensokyo," Reimu explained. "They run on magic cells—a bit like solar panels—so they never have to be recharged, but that makes them useless in the outside world. You're on your own in regards to that broken phone of yours."

I picked up one of the Apple devices and examined it. "I'm not even going to bother asking how any of this works…" I yawned. "Christ, I'm sleepy."

"Of course you are," Sanae noted. "It's past midnight." I glanced outside and, sure enough, it was pitch-black. Just how long had I been up?

I took a minute to crunch the numbers; okay, I got gapped sometime around 10 in the morning… spent a few hours at Sanae's place before Marisa showed up, close to 2 PM telling from my Xbox 360's internal clock. Then I got blown into the Garden of the Sun, where I suppose I was out for three or four hours… spent close to five hours total at the SDM before finally making my way here, and from there I lost track of time. I powered on the iPhone in my hand. It took a few seconds to load before displaying what I assumed was the Gensokyan standard time of 1:37 AM. Factoring in time zones… well, fuck. I've been up for around 21 hours straight.

"I suppose I could wait for ten hours to get fixed… no, not like _that_," I countered the funny look Sanae was giving me. "I'm sorry for imposing on you, Miss Hakurei, but could I stay here and rest until daybreak?"

Reimu shrugged. "I don't see why not, if it's just for the night. You_ did_ help me clean up the shrine, after all. Just let me go get the guest mat." Reimu wandered off into the back room.

"I guess… *yawn* that's that." I looked over to Sanae, whose ice bag had completely melted. "Can you keep an eye on my stuff, since it's still at your shrine?"

The green-haired girl blinked. "I'll try, but I'm probably coming to the clinic with you. My head is starting to feel fuzzy." She lazily wiped some of the condensation off the bag and used it to clean the dried blood on her face.

Reimu returned to the room with a sleeping bag, rolling it out on the floor. I muttered my thanks and crawled into the bag, making myself comfortable. The world faded away as sleep claimed me shortly afterward.

XXXXX

_The realm stretched before me looked like it had come from an early 20__th__ century cinema. Making a slow turn on my heels, I took in my surroundings; there was nothing but dead trees and fauna as far as the eye could see. Even the air itself seemed stale and grainy._

_And then I noticed the drifting wisps of black smoke. _Great, I'm in a _Mass Effect 3_ dream sequence, _I realized._

_I glanced off to the side and noticed something that hadn't been there before: an extremely old-looking park bench. Seeing nothing else of particular note in my environment, I decided to walk over to the bench and examined it. There were remnants of a layer of paint that had all but completely flaked away, exposing the metal frame to the elements. The seat was made of wood, and although it looked rotted and unstable, a few test presses proved otherwise. Satisfied that it was safe, I sat down on the bench. It creaked under my weight, but held._

_It all seemed so real, yet I knew it was a dream. "Damn… I've never experienced a lucid dream before." I thought for a minute as I examined the dream world more closely. Not unexpectedly, _Inception_ came to mind as I thought. I remembered how all the people in the dreams had some sort of trinket or another to remind themselves they were dreaming. If dreams emulated life, you'd never know otherwise that everything around you was real…_

"_I should make one of those," I decided. Although there was no surface to rebound the sound waves, I heard an echo. Stranger still, the echo didn't actually sound like me, but more feminine and in a stronger tone. I glanced around once more, searching for the source of the echo, but there was nothing to be seen._

_Keeping my guard up, I patiently searched the forest ground for a piece of lumber, to carve into a totem. I was successful in my endeavor, scrounging up a chunk of fair-quality wood the length of my forearm. I got all the way back to the bench before realizing I needed something to actually shape the wood. "Great, where am I going to find a carving tool in this hell-hole?" I asked myself._

_There was a slight pop of air next to me. I glanced down and noticed a knife stabbed into the wood of the bench seat… Well, I'm thankful, but if there's anything about dreams that really, _really_ pisses me off, it's how they can be so random at ti—_

_The sound of crunching leaves. A girlish giggle. Scraping bark. Now I _knew_ I wasn't alone. I yanked the knife out of the wood and pushed myself up into a defensive stance. Glancing around, I spotted one of the black shadows moving faster than the others. The shadow broke into a dead run as I moved towards it._

_The figure moved fast, I'd give it that. But I was faster. It only took a few seconds for me to close the distance and tackle the figure to the ground. The cry of shock it emitted identified it as a girl; my first suspicion was Yukari, come to troll me in my sleep, but I couldn't know for sure until I saw her face._

_She twisted around and tried to claw at me with her nails. I ducked under her swing and smashed my fist into her gut as hard as possible. The girl gasped as the air was forced out of her lungs. I gave her no quarter, jabbing her below her ribcage to prevent her from catching her breath. As she began to cough and choke, I rolled her onto her back and properly pinned her to the ground._

_Finally, I had a chance to look at the girl. The darkness of the dream realm obscured most of her features, but one thing was for sure: it wasn't Yukari. I could tell that much from her eyes. But... there was something about her eyes that seemed so _familiar_..._

_As if they were _my_ eyes._

_I chose that particular moment to blink. In that briefest moment my eyes were closed, the girl underneath me vanished, replaced by a vaguely human-shaped log. I didn't even have a chance to be confused at the near-instantaneous switch before I felt the cold steel of what could only be a gun barrel pressed against the back of my head._

"It's time to wake up." _The girl whispered bitterly in my ear, and pulled the trigger._

_A loud bang, then silence._


	9. Gensokyo's Bastion of Humanity

I jerked awake.

"That was one twisted-as-fuck dream…" I mumbled as I crawled out of the sleeping bag. Quietly rolling up the mat, I glanced around and discovered I was alone in the shrine.

"Er, Hello? Reimu?" I got to my feet. My head began to throb from the sudden movement, and I sat back down to wait for the pain to subside. Nobody answered me. I eventually noticed a note taped to the wall next to the entrance. I got back up, taking care to do so carefully, and walked over to the note.

_Sorry, Luke, but Marisa woke up and went berserk back at the Scarlet Devil Mansion. It's up to Sanae and me to calm her down, so we can't take you to the clinic._

_Don't worry, though. I made a call, and Yukari's shikigami has made some time to escort you to the human village. Good luck dealing with Eirin._

_-R_

_Wow, Reimu has surprisingly good English handwriting. So… Ran's guiding me, eh? Doesn't sound too bad. She's a fairly level-headed youkai, if a bit doting on Chen._

A knock at the door interrupted my thinking. "That must be her now." I stepped over and slid open the door…

…Damn, her tails are a LOT less poofy than I thought they would be. They didn't flare out and overshadow her figure, instead being arranged in a linear fashion and hanging low to the ground.

"Are you Ran Yakumo?" I asked. Of course, I knew who she was, but it couldn't hurt to be polite.

"Yes…" She answered in a quiet voice. "And you must be Luke. A pleasure to meet you."

"Same here. So, you're the one bringing me to the Human Village?" Ran nodded silently. "Okay. Let us be off, then."

"Very well." The two of us walked out onto the plaza in front of the Hakurei Shrine. Abruptly, the kitsune turned and held out a hand. As I got a closer look at Ran, I noticed she was a few inches shorter than me. "Try to stay close. This might be a bumpy trip."

I hesitantly raised my own hand. "I'm not a 2-year old, you know. I'm perfectly fine with walking by myself."

"Who said we were walking?"

Before I knew what was going on, Ran's outstretched hand jerked out and gripped my forearm, drawing me close. Her other hand wrapped itself under my arms and tightened, pinning me to her chest. My stomach plummeted as Ran leaped off the ground and took flight, carrying me in her arms.

"_WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?"_ I screamed above the wind blasting in my face. Everything around me became a blur as Ran accelerated.

"What does it look like?" Ran glanced down at me. "Flying's the fastest way to reach the village. You can't fly, so I decided to carry you with me."

"Well, why couldn't you just carry me on your back?"

"And let you cop a feel of my breasts? No thanks," Ran chuckled. "Now, calm down. I won't let you fall, I promise."

I had more complaints, but decided that voicing my discomfort would be counterproductive… besides, she might drop me anyway if I make any sort of remark about how her boobs were pressing into my back uncomfortably, what with how tightly she was holding me.

Still, Ran had made a point. It only took us about three minutes of flying to reach the border of the Human Village. We came to a stop in the air before she gently lowered me to the ground.

"See? That wasn't so bad, now was it?" Ran asked as she released me.

I gave a defeated sigh, shaking my head. "I guess not. Doesn't mean I like it though."

"It's only natural. Perhaps you'll get used to it eventually if you ever learn to fly yourself." Ran stepped around me, her tails brushing lightly against my left arm. "Now, Keine Kamishirasawa will be coming shortly to ask what I'm doing, flying so close to the village. Do your best to get on her good side—she can prove herself a newcomer's closest ally in the long run."

Not five seconds after Ran finished that sentence did a young woman approach us. She was instantly recognizable by her bento-hat and blue-streaked silver hair.

"Yakumo." Keine addressed Ran with an indifferent glare. "What's your business at the village? At the very least, could you have just walked here? The villagers nearly panicked when they say a tailed beast flying towards them." She glanced at me. "And this must be the man of the hour himself. Do you know how much trouble Yukari put me through because of you?"

"I plead self-defense. Yukari was invading my home, so I was protecting my family; in response, she gapped me." Ran looked to me with an apologetic glance. "Please, don't look down on me. You can save your sympathy for another time."

"Mm." Keine folded her arms. "In any case, I missed one of my classes because I stayed up all night cleaning up Yukari's mess. It's not easy to force a transformation, you know."

"You can do that? Wait, no, nevermind. Miss Keine, I've come to the Village to request medical help at the clinic." I tapped the side of my head. "Head trauma."

Keine nodded. "I see. Well, it's a good thing I'm not angry enough to headbutt you." She spared a side glance at Ran. "Now, Miss Ran, if you would be so kind as to distance yourself from the village, lest you attract some… less than civil youkai." With a short bow, Ran wordlessly turned and walked away as Keine turned back to me. "If you follow me, I will take you the rest of the way."

…

I had to say, for a community practically trapped at a pre-Industrial technological tier, the humans in Gensokyo had it pretty good. Men and women alike strolled through the streets, going about their everyday business. Street-side vendors, open-door stores and nightclubs (at least, whatever passed for them in Gensokyo, I think) stood as testament to the village's stable economy. The buildings that composed the bulk of the village were rather odd in appearance, looking a blend of typical Feudal Japanese huts and modern-day architecture. Keine pointed out her school as we passed it, explaining that if I ever needed her help, that should be the first place I should look.

"In addition…" Keine pointed out another, rather run-down building down the road. "That building there is Sunuzaan. It's the closest thing the human village has to a bookstore, and also runs a limited printing business (overshadowed by the Tengu's, of course); it's where the scholar Heida no Akyuu prints her _Gensokyo Chronicle_. If you ever need help with any sort of scripture and I'm not available, the human that lives there has the ability to decipher any text she lays her hands on. In that case, ask for Kosuzu Motoori. Got it?"

I nodded. "Got it."

"Good." After a few more minutes of navigating through the streets, Keine came to a stop. "We're here."

I looked up. Rather bizarrely, a sign of a bunny with a carrot charm (obviously Tewi) hung right above our heads. I wouldn't exactly consider it effective marketing to make a poster girl out of one of the biggest trolls in all of Gensokyo (bar Yukari), but as they say, "you can't be held back by common sense in Gensokyo." Besides, this makes it easier for gappies to locate the clinic.

"I'm not sure how long you're going to be in there for treatment, so I'll just be on my way," Keine remarked. "Remember, if you need me, check the school."

I gave her a wave as she walked away. Now alone, I quietly walked through the curtain that served as the little clinic's door…

…And emerged in a far larger, modern-styled waiting room. _Motherfucker, I think I just walked into a Dyson Bubble._ "A bit of warning would have been appreciated, God damn it…" I cursed Keine under my breath.

I looked up and noticed a girl behind a counter at the far side of the room. Her long, pink-purple hair hung down her back and over the shoulders of a worn business suit. Her face was partly obscured by a pair of large, droopy rabbit ears.

"First time at the clinic?" She asked, looking at me. Her eyes seemed rather unfocused, as if she was bored. I figured I might as well liven up her day.

"Yes, my name is Luke Thesda, and I'm here to see Eirin."

"You're… Oh!" Reisen Undongein Inaba's ears perked up instantly. "I didn't know there was another outsider in Gensokyo! How long have you been here?"

"Only about a day or two." I walked up to the counter. As I got closer, I noticed that her eyes were a sharp silver. "What's up with your eyes? Aren't they supposed to be red?"

Reisen brought a hand to her face. "What, these? Contact lens. Master made them just for me. Now, people won't go insane when they look me in the eyes. So, you want to see her?"

"Er, yea. I had some major head trauma yesterday. Yukari fixed it, but I suffered a borderline seizure a few hours ago, so I'm not sure it healed properly."

"Hmm. Shouldn't be too hard; we get people with head injuries all the time. Now…" Reisen's eyes shifted, looking past me towards the door. "If you don't mind stepping out of the way for the next customer while waiting for Master, I'd appreciate it."

I glanced back to see who was behind me. Strangely, there was nobody there. I had a feeling I was about to be pranked. I turned back around…

Yep, it's as I thought—Reisen had been replaced with an entirely different woman. She was fairly tall, over six feet, making her several inches taller than me, and braided silver hair that hung down at least ¾ of that length. That wasn't the only thing about her that was big, though—large, shapely breasts and a curvaceous frame, just barely concealed by that blue-red gown of hers, made her a hell of a sight. _Damn… if I were a girl, I'd be acting like Parsee around this woman._

"You know that swapping disguises behind a person's back stopped being funny years ago, right?" I asked the not-stranger flatly. "Damn nice disguise, though, I have to admit."

"Thanks. Trust me, when you live the sort of life I have to, you learn to take your humor where you can find it," the woman replied in kind. She held out a hand. "Eirin Yakogoro. A pleasure."

I tentatively shook it. "Luke Thesda, displaced everyman." I glanced around once more. "This is certainly a feat of engineering, this place."

"Oh, you mean the whole 'bigger on the inside' thing?" Eirin waved her hand. "Child's play for a Lunarian scientist."

"Scientist? I thought you were a doctor—"

"I am," Eirin said rather loudly, cutting me off. "Now, if you'll follow me I'll take you to the examination room." She rounded the counter and walked to a door off to the side, gesturing for me to follow. I stepped through the door behind her, emerging into a medical examination room that, for all intents and purposes, looked completely normal.

"If you would, please down to your undergarments. Running preliminary physicals on newcomers is a routine of mine."

"Are you sure? That may be a lot of stuff about my body that may put you off, the least of which is body odor. The closest thing I've had to a bath in the past two days was when Yukari dumped a bucket of ice water on my head."

"I didn't become a successful practitioner of medicine by shooing away the ugly one. Besides, odor shouldn't be a problem: you went through a decontamination field as you walked through the doorway. It's how I keep all but the most elaborate equipment sterile, with minimum effort on my part." She broke into a wicked grin. "I make my subordinate do the rest."

"Jesus… Well, I'm sure that's tame in comparison to your history of running experiments on her. I mean, how can you do that to a girl who would answer your every beck and call!?"

"What?" Eirin was confused. "You must be mistaken. I don't actually run the tests on Reisen herself. I just use samples of her body tissue."

"Oh." I blinked. "I guess that makes sense. Figures that fanon would blow things out of proportion."

"Yes, they would," Eirin agreed. "Now, off with the clothes, and lie down on the berth."

I did as she was told, and she began the physical. Strangely enough, it went pretty much just like a normal physical from back home, aside from my doctor being a moon-woman. As she checked my body, she asked me about my medical history, which I answered to the best of my memory.

Eventually she got the information she wanted, and instructed me to get dressed again as she went over it. A few seconds later, she looked up at me, a blank expression on her face.

"What?" I asked. "What's wrong?"

"Well… to put it bluntly… _You're fucked._" I was somewhat surprised when she said that last part in flat English. _Wow. She kinda sounds like Kasumi Goto when she speaks English…_

I mentally slapped myself. _Pay attention! What she says could mean the difference between life and a gruesome death!_ With that, I returned to focus. "Fucked how? Also, if you could speak English this entire time, why didn't you?"

"I know all the world's major languages. My choice to stick to Japanese is simply a matter both of preference and of convenience. It would be fairly hard to run a business in Gensokyo if you spoke German, wouldn't you agree?" I shrugged. "Thought so. Now, getting to the point, you're fucked in just about every way short of literally. Allergies to avian and feline species, low heat tolerance, low metabolism, asthmatic, poor fitness, a high-functioning Autistic (I swear, I never would have thought you'd have an Autism disorder if you hadn't told me)… any one of those _individually_ can screw you over in Gensokyo, and you've got them all. Long story short, you'd have to be treated for a lot more than just a severe concussion in order to survive here. Luckily for you, I can fix all that."

I shook my head. "Well, I don't want to be fixed.'

"Come again?"

"As it is, Yukari's isolating me from most of Gensokyo, only letting me travel with the shrine maidens or her shikigami, and as long as I keep out of trouble she'll take me back home in a month. The way I see it, offering to cure all my ills is a waste of resources for you."

"Are you sure? I could improve your quality of life drastically, and at no personal cost to you! Who wouldn't agree to that?"

"Look, I respect your goodwill, miss Yakogoro, but what I do with my body is nobody else's business, and now just isn't a good time for me to be shooting myself up with all sorts of inexplicable drugs. If I ever have a change of heart, I'll come back to you—until then, I just want your word that you won't betray the trust I'm putting in you."

Eirin looked disappointed, but nodded. "If you insist. Come with me and we'll do some MRI scans. If the problem zone is closer to the surface, it'll be easier to identify and repair." She got up and walked out. I followed her to a chamber with a large machine, where I was instructed to lay down on the mat below the machine.

"Your head is going to be bombarded with radiation, so to protect you from a potential episode, I'll be putting you to sleep. Just long enough for a thorough scan to identify the problem, of course. A few minutes at most, I assure you."

"Alright, if you say so." Eirin handed me a pill, which I took. I was out like a lamp almost as soon as my head hit the mat.

XXXXX

Eirin watched the boy drift off into unconsciousness. She had to say, this boy had guts. Nobody had ever questioned her treatment of her subordinate in quite that way before, even if she treated Reisen well in real life.

She'd been lying to him, of course.

With a snap of Eirin's fingers, the chamber transformed around her—or rather, the illusion was dispelled. What once looked like an MRI chamber was now revealed to be a surgical ward. She moved quickly, strapping the boy into leather restraints and administering an IV drip.

Fanon always claimed that she tortured her underlings, which was also a lie. Of course she didn't run tests on Reisen; her pet moon rabbit was too valuable to compromise with brutal experiments for the sake of Science.

No, she ran her tests on Yukari's little playthings instead. Why? Why _not_? They were plentiful, varied, and (usually) willing to undergo her experiments for an edge against the wild beasts of Gensokyo. Sure, if it turned out badly Yukari would go off on her, but she'd live; she was immortal, after all. Eirin slapped the boy's cheek a couple of times to make sure he was asleep. Satisfied, she pulled out a syringe filled with a fluid the same color as her hair.

She had synthesized this serum from her own DNA in a fit of curiosity. If her calculations were correct, it would alter the boy's body down to the genetic level, replacing his defective alleles with her own, perfect alleles. When he woke up, he would be stronger, disease-free, and mentally sound—it should even extend his lifespan by another 50-60 years—she'd have a successful experimental cure-all, and an outsider who would owe his life to her.

If it failed, and worse came to worst… well, she'd get to that when the time came_._

She'd just have to wait and see. For Science.


	10. Conflict of the Mind

A/N: Sorry about the delay. This chapter has been done for a couple of days, but I got preoccupied with _Dead Space 3_. You know how players are supposed to worry about a finite ammo supply? Yeah, I've had that problem exactly _once_, and I made up for it with a combination of stasis spamming and curb-stomping. In fact, I actually have to worry about the fact that ammo constantly takes up _half my inventory_. Anyway…

Disclaimer: Touhou belongs to Team Shanghai Alice/ZUN.

XXXXX

_I found myself once more in the dead forest that represented my dreamscape. This time, however, I was not alone. Sitting on the park bench in front of me, parasol in hand, was Yukari Yakumo. "Wow, your mind is a hellhole," She remarked sarcastically._

"_Well, at least I bet it's a fucking paradise in comparison to yours," I replied in kind._

"_No argument there." Yukari shrugged, a smirk on her face._

"_Alright, since you're here, I'd like to ask a question," I asked. Yukari nodded for me to continue. "Is this how all humans dream in Gensokyo?"_

_Yukari thought for a moment. "A fair question. The answer is, yes and no. Gensokyo's ambient magic induces intense lucid dreaming after exposure, but the effect lessens as people build a resistance to the magic. People born in Gensokyo leave their lucid phase within a few months of their birth—during the period when the brain hasn't yet developed enough to create memories. Outsiders, on the other hand, can retain memories of those dreams, and it's typically highly disorienting… which I'm sure you can attest to." The youkai glanced around as she said those last few words._

"_So, it's a kind of transition sickness? I'm not sure whether to be relieved that this is normal, or pissed at you for not warning me in the first place." I shook my head. "What are you doing here anyway?"_

"_Why I'm here… well, I sorta do this with all the outsiders I gap in. It's interesting to see what form their consciousness takes for these lucid dreams."_

_I shook my head again in disbelief. "Why would you even bother? I'm only going to be out for a few minutes, ten at the most."_

"_What are you talking about? You've been asleep for two days now…" _

_A loud _snap _echoed through the dreamscape. _

"…_Oops. Probably should have mentioned that earlier."_

_The transition from quiet indifference to unbridled rage was instantaneous. "Gee, YA THINK!?" I screamed. "The fucking moonbitch is doing God knows what to my body, and you're just sitting back and _LETTING_ her do it! I knew you were fucked in the head, but this just goes beyond that; you are a fucking mindless bitch!"_

"What_ did you just call me?" Yukari twitched._

_I threw my hands up in the air. "Oh, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings," I continued, sarcasm dripping from my voice, "I figured you'd be used to people calling you a bitch in front of your face. I mean, do you let this happen to _every _outsider who makes life complicated for you? Trying to teach us a lesson about humility? Well, how about you just stop bringing them here in the first place!? Talk about self-destructive tendencies!"_

"_Watch your lip, kid…" Yukari began to growl. Her grip on her parasol tightened._

"_And on top of it all, you come _here_! I thought that I could escape all this crazy magic bullshit with my dreams, but do you know what I got for it? 'Hi, there! Sorry for the inconvenience, but Gensokyo makes you have lucid dreams, and it turns out there's a psychotic omnipotent bitch in your head!' Well, I've had _enough_!"_

_At my mental command, a double-barrel shotgun materialized in my hands. "This is MY dream, MY reality. And I will NOT tolerate your presence here any longer." I took aim at Yukari. "You have three seconds to get the fuck out of my head before I splatter your brains all over this forest floor. And when I wake up, I'm gonna kill that lying bitch Eirin, too! She'll probably resurrect right away, but that just means I get to kill her a _second_ ti—"_

_In one instant, Yukari stood a ways away from me, my shotgun pointed at her—in the next, she was mere inches from my face. On reflex, I pulled the trigger, but Yukari had already slapped the barrel of the shotgun away with a single hand, resulting in a nearby tree shattering into splinters as the storm of buckshot tore into it. Her second hand slammed into my chest when I glanced towards the mulched tree. Instantly, my body _froze_. My muscles literally locked in place, I fell back to the ground like a statue. Somebody beyond my field of vision wrenched the shotgun from my grip and tossed it away, before rolling me over so I was gazing straight up._

_Yukari stood over me, a scathing expression on her face. "It doesn't matter the who, or the when or where; reality is my bitch. Don't you ever forget that, you little roach." She pointed her parasol at me. "I spared your life once already in spite of an attitude like this. There's nothing stopping me from killing you here and now—or better yet, leaving you to be Eirin's guinea pig for the rest of your natural life… which I'm sure she will go to lengths to drag out for as long as your body can take it. In fact, if I kill you here you might just turn into a vegetable in real life and Eirin gets herself a new lab rat anyway!_

"_I OWN you, kid. Mind, body and soul. You'd be smart to keep that in mind, or else…"_

_Just then, a drifting shadow engulfed Yukari. Coughing, she sidestepped out of the cloud and waved her parasol around, breaking up the cloud. She leaned over to spit out whatever she'd caught in her mouth. "Blech. Disgusting…"_

_And then Yukari looked back up._

_All around her, the shadows that inhabited the dead forest had gotten a _lot_ closer, forming a tight circle around the youkai. Her annoyance turned to surprise, and then to shock, as the shadows swarmed her all at once. She opened her mouth, most likely to make known her anger at the sudden development, but all she could do was violently cough and hack as the mist surrounding her tried to force itself down her throat and destroy her lungs. _

_My rage dissipated, confusion taking its place. Frozen as I was, all I could do was watch as Yukari began to flail wildly about, trying to break out of the dark cloud enveloping her body. After about a minute of thrashing and coughing, a swarm of gaps leading into deep space ripped open around the cloud. There was a vicious roar as the shadows were forcibly ripped from Yukari's body by the pull of the vacuum. Having done their job, the gaps closed up and Yukari herself dropped to her knees, gasping for fresh air and rubbing her eyes._

_Yukari only spared me one last teary-eyed glance of utter bewilderment as she ripped open a new gap and stumbled through it, escaping the confines of my mind. As she disappeared, my body went limp, freed from Yukari's power… but I still couldn't move._

_Suddenly, a slender arm wrapped itself around my chest and pulled me up into a cradling motion. I looked up into the eyes of the girl that had attacked me in my last dream. _"That witch thinks that she can control you…"_ A voice, light and effeminate. _"But she knows nothing. She is incapable of knowing you the way I do."

I don't understand. What does she mean when she says she knows me better than Yukari ever will? WHO IS SHE?_ I tried to speak, will myself into motion, but my body was beyond my control. The figure cocked their head at me. _"Who am I, you wish to ask? Is it not obvious? I'm _you_."

_The girl pulled back her hood, and for the first time I could see her features clearly. The slightly-unfocused hazel eyes, the sandy brown hair, the rounded cheeks… she could pass for a long-lost twin of me. _What? This… this doesn't make sense! How can this girl be me? I'M me!

_A hand gently caressed my cheek, sending shivers down my spine. _"We are two sides to the same coin. All of your hatred and fear, all of your love and desire… I am your most basic instincts given life." _The stroking turned into jabbing_. "You are our face, our voice, our logic. Everything you do, every action you take, is a result of your 'common sense' perverting _my_ will.

"In this world, a world where fantasy and reality are one and the same, a logical mind can only survive for so long before their stubborn adherence to the 'voice of reason' condemns them. If you are to live—if WE are to live—you must be willing to cast aside reason and let your instincts guide you. Break down the boundary that separates us, so that we may become one."

Woman, I don't know what the FUCK you're babbling on about, _I thought._

"In due time, child, you'll understand. All in due time. For now, though… it is time for you to return to the peaceful embrace of oblivion."_ Both of the girl's hands gripped my head, in a disturbingly familiar position…_

"Until next we meet…" _A violent twist, a cracking noise, then silence._

XXXXX

Eirin Yakogoro jumped slightly as Yukari dropped out of a gap behind her. Turning around, she immediately recognized her guest and composed herself. "Let me guess: drove you out of his head?"

"Kid had a hell of a mouth on him. Thought that he was safe from my influence in his head. I planned to prove him otherwise, but his unconscious mind tried to consume me. That kid has _issues_." Yukari cleared her throat. "So, how are things in the mortal realm?"

"You certainly did wonders with that head injury he sustained, but you left some serious swelling in the brain; that's what caused his near-seizure. Nothing a good old-fashioned trephination couldn't take care of, luckily, so he should be back to normal after a few days." After a pause, she added, "Found the witch's little toy in his pocket. I'm going to assume it's in his possession for a reason and leave it be."

Yukari gapped herself an empty glass and filled it from the nearby water tap. "That doesn't seem so bad. So, why the long face?"

Eirin glanced at the clipboard in her hands. "You know that wonder-drug I was making? The one that I was using my own DNA for? Well…" She pinched the bridge of her nose. "I fucked up. Forgot about the one difference between our genomes; something he has, and I don't."

Yukari was confused for a moment. "What does that have to do with… _oh_." Yukari sipped from her glass. "Can you fix it?"

Eirin simply stared at the youkai. "My work is nothing, if not thorough… save the occasional slip. Thanks to my sterilization methods, I don't have a DNA base to make an antidote for him, so he'll be effectively stuck that way." She gestured to a holographic screen off to her right. "Live feed's over there if you want to take a look at the process. If he was awake, the pain of the transformation would drive him mad, so I'm keeping him sedated until his DNA stabilizes completely." Yukari set aside her glass and stepped over to the projection. In her mind, she produced an image of Luke as she'd first found him—five-ten, coarse brown hair, slightly overweight, and a layer of hair on his arms and legs. Luke was strapped to a gurney, stripped down to his underwear.

Without going into detail, the change was… drastic, to say the least.

"Eirin, I'm not trying to offend, but I have to say this: you may not fuck up often, but when you _do,_ the results are _spectacular_."

"Thanks." Eirin raised an eyebrow.

"So, how much longer will he be out until the transition is complete?"

"About a day, with perhaps another day or so afterwards to check for any complications. Gene therapy normally works over the course of 2-3 weeks, so a change this rapid and this drastic would be extremely unsafe and painful if it had been by somebody other than me. As it is, he will be in extraordinary discomfort upon waking up."

"Meh, I'm sure he'll suck it up. The discomfort, I mean. _This_…" Yukari glanced at the screen, "…well, not so much." She opened a gap. "Don't hesitate to give me a call if he flips out. I'll set him straight."

"No problem." Eirin waved farewell to the youkai as she left. "One last thing, though: what happened at the vampire's mansion? Heard it was quite a fiasco out there."

"It was nothing Sanae and Reimu couldn't take care of themselves. The Scarlet clan could _really_ use a decent home-repair service, though."

XXXXX

_2 Days ago_

Reimu had forgotten just how _powerful _Marisa could be, even without her Hakkero. That much was certain, telling just from the _external_ damage to the Scarlet Devil Mansion. All around the property, fairy maids were scrambling to repair structural damage, and the shrine maiden could hear chains of explosions still ripping through the inside of the mansion. She doubted the place would stay standing for much longer if Marisa wasn't subdued, and quickly.

Sanae drifted next to her. "Is this how she usually reacts to being beaten badly?"

"Only if the person who did it wasn't me," Reimu joked, but there was no humor in her tone. "It doesn't help that she's lost her precious thing."

"I blame karma. You keep stealing from others, you're bound to have something stolen from you."

"Well, the way Marisa sees it, nothing is ever her fault. If anything, blame her personality." Reimu shook her head. "Anyway, I'll head inside and look for Marisa, try to calm her down. You stay out here and help the fairies hold the place together. I don't want my tombstone to read 'died from a fallen roof.'"

"You got it." Sanae flew off to the inner grounds to rally and direct the fairies while Reimu drifted towards the front door with no opposition. The lack of resistance led her to suspect that the gate guard had been called inside to help the other residents.

Reimu cleared the doorway and entered the entrance hall, which was surprisingly intact; considering the persons involved, though, that wasn't saying much. There were pockmarks and craters all over the walls and floor, with the occasional scorch mark. As Reimu proceeded deeper into the mansion, heading wherever the sounds of conflict were most violent, the damage to the infrastructure became even worse—several holes had been blown clean through the walls, floors and ceilings, creating gaps to the chambers that lay beyond. Not trusting the integrity of the walkway, Reimu opted to fly through the mansion.

After a few shortcuts and backtracks around completely-collapsed halls, Reimu finally arrived at the doorway to Voile. _Of course she would go straight to the library to deal the most collateral damage,_ she sighed. She could hear muffled shouts and the _pichu~n_'s of unlucky fairies through the thick oak doors. Steeling herself, Reimu raised her gohei, blew the door off its hinges, and charged in.

Dear God, the place was a mess. It was as if a giant had been playing dominoes with the enormous bookcases that filled the room, and then set them on fire. Reimu was fairly certain the countless books were themselves enchanted to be impervious to damage, but the shelves were spared no such luxury (_Note to self: talk to Patchy about enchanting the shelves.)_

And there, high in the top of the chamber, was Marisa. Surrounding her were Patchouli, Sakuya, Remilia, Meiling (_oop, wait, she just went down… figures_), and a handful of fairy maids. Sakuya, having apparently run out of knives, was trying to get close and punch Marisa out the old-fashioned way. Patchouli was guiding the fairies, making a "human" shield for herself as she cast her greater spells. Finally, Remilia was… well… being Remilia, flinging her Gungnir every which way and hoping one of them would connect.

"_Orreries' Sun!_" Naturally, Marisa was kicking all their asses with ease. A storm of lasers and danmaku bolts tore apart the few fairies that hadn't already been taken down. The stronger girls dodged the spell for as long as they could, but eventually, Patchy's asthma screwed everybody over. Thrown off-balance for a split-second by a violent cough, and the sorceress took a laser to the face. Sakuya cried out in concern for Patchy, Remilia was distracted by Sakuya's cry, and both took a barrage of bullets center-mass.

Everybody dropped out of the sky, leaving Marisa floating alone in the air. Seeing her chance, Reimu got closer and called out. _"Marisa! What the HELL are you doing!?"_

Marisa's head snapped towards her friend. "Isn't it obvious? I'm trying to take back what's mine! That little rat stole my Hakkero from me, and these people are keeping him hidden away-ze!"

"Alright, first of all, _you_ tried to steal from the _outsider_—and he'd only arrived less than hours before—you failed, and he simply took measures to keep it from happening again. As such, I believe you carry most of the blame for setting this mess in motion in the first place."

"_I DON'T STEAL!_" Marisa screeched. "We've gone over this hundreds of times, Reimu—I'll let the people have their stuff back when I die!"

Reimu facepalmed. "And I keep telling you, it doesn't work that way. But that's beside the point; you're taking this way too far. You've ruined everybody's day, and wrecked the Mansion to the point where it could fall on top of us at any moment, all because you can't stand having been beaten at your own game."

"He STOLE from me! He deserves to be punished!" Marisa cried.

"Hypocr-_hurgk_!" Back at ground level, Remilia was silenced by a thick grimoire to the head, courtesy of Patchouli. Not that anybody present disagreed, though; Patchy just didn't want to get another laser-headshot. Strangely, Sakuya was absent.

"Look, Marisa, not every problem in the world needs to be solved using violence. I'm sure that if you had just gone and talked to him, perhaps apologized for trying to 'borrow' from him, he would give you back the Hakkero. Again, to be fair, you kinda had it coming for attacking a fresh outsider."

"Bullshit, this is Gensokyo! The _only _way to make yourself known is through brute force, and if you're stupid enough to think otherwise, you might as well blow your—"

Out of the blue, a silent _click_ echoed in the chamber. Marisa looked down and, to her shock, found herself in handcuffs. "Wha…? HEY! What the hell is this crap!?" She yanked and twisted, but the cast-iron restraints held fast.

"Thanks for distracting her for me," Sakuya said as she materialized next to Reimu. Her clothing was in tatters, and she sported a rather nasty black eye, but other than that she seemed okay.

"Are you sure that's a smart move?" Reimu asked. "If she breaks free, her retaliation against the residents of the Scarlet Devil Mansion will just be even more brutal."

"It was either that, or set Miss Flandre on her. I thought you'd prefer an enraged Marisa over a blood smear on the wall."

"…fair enough."

At this point Marisa was flying in circles, screaming in fury. "I swear to fucking god if you don't get these pieces of shit off my hands in the next two seconds I'M GONNA REPAINT THIS ENTIRE FUCKING MANSION WITH YOUR GODDAMN BLOOD!"

Sakuya's body flickered, and Marisa went limp, silently dropping into a mound of books on the ground. "Ah, pressure points, where would I be without ye?" The maid crooned.

"Nice," Reimu nodded in approval. Marisa would be hurting like hell from the fall, but no permanent harm otherwise. "What are we supposed to do with Marisa now, though? If she breaks loose again, I wouldn't put it against her to go through with that threat."

"Lock her in the basement with Flandre?" Sakuya suggested with a crooked grin. Reimu stared at her. "Kidding. I've got another pair of cuffs lying around somewhere we can use for her legs. Why we didn't use them in the first place is beyond me."

"Well, you'll definitely need them now." The pair floated down to the ground. All around them, the fairy maids were reconstituting themselves and moving towards Patchouli, who was instructing them to begin rebuilding. "So, about how long will it take to rebuild the mansion _this_ time?"

"My guess? About a month. I'm considering just contracting the kappa and letting them do the rebuilding the next time this happens. It would be costly, but the benefits would outweigh the expenses in the long run."

Reimu's phone beeped. She pulled it out and read the message. _I'm not hearing any more explosions. What did I miss?_

Typical Sanae, unfettered by the chaos of the Scarlet Devil's abode. Reimu smirked as she typed the response: _Nothing that couldn't be solved with some time-hax._


	11. Finding Yourself

My GOD, this chapter took a long time to write…

XXXXX

_Okay, that's twice now that that mystery woman in my head has executed me. Is this going to be a thing that happens every time I have a lucid dream?_

_More importantly… why the hell am I freezing?_

Then the pain hit me. It felt like my entire body was burning… which is a very bizarre and uncomfortable sensation combined with aforementioned freezing. Summoning what little strength I have, I managed to force my eyes open.

Bad idea. Everything I can see is significantly brighter and sharper than I'm used to, even with my glasses. The drastic increase in clarity stings my eyes, and I blinked a few times to try and adjust them.

"Finally awake, I see." The shadow of a woman appeared over my head, obscuring the floodlights on the ceiling.

"_You_." My throat was painfully dry, and my voice came out as more of a squeak than a hiss. "What did you do to me, you bitch?"

"Now, that's no way to treat your doctor," Eirin replied. "In all honesty, I've done you a _favor_."

I fixed the Lunarian with such a poisonous glare, she took several steps back. "All I asked for was to be healed. That's _all_. But you couldn't just settle for that, could you?" I cough. "You had to go and do… and do…"

"Well… the best way I can think of putting it is simply telling you to…look down."

Confused, I craned my neck down. _What that hell am I supposed to be looking at? I can't see anything past these tits…_

_Wait._

"No. _No._ Nonono… WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!?" I screamed. It was at that point that I realized my voice wasn't lighter because of a dry throat; it had actually gone _up_ several octaves. I tried to move, but Eirin had me strapped down, leaving me to struggle helplessly.

"I was testing a drug I worked on in my spare time, one that would get rid of imperfect genes in a person's DNA and replace them with my own. In the process, I kinda… forgot about the sex chromosomes, so your XY accidentally got overwritten by my XX."

"You just couldn't take 'no' for an answer, could you!?" I shouted. I ignored the burning pain filling my entire body, suppressing it to little more than an uncomfortable itch. "I didn't want to be made into a fucking superhuman. I just wanted to be _healed_. That's what _doctors_ are supposed to do, right? Because if I remember correctly, _doctors_ make an oath never to endanger the lives of their patients!"

"Your words would hold some weight to a _normal_ doctor, but I'm a Lunarian. We have no analogue for the Hippocratic Oath. Besides, I can reverse the effects with a sample of your original DNA. I got the information I wanted from this experiment already, so if you're _so_ opposed to your new body I can change you back."

"That doesn't change the fact that you did this to me in the first place!" I began to yank at the restraints. "Just because you can fix this, it doesn't mean I'm going to forget about you going against your word!"

"See, this is what I hate about humans," Eirin sighed. "You're so quick to find fault in everything around you, completely ignoring the positives. So _what_ if you're a girl now? I've made your life so much _better_! You'll never be ill again…"

"For the last time, _I didn't want you to do this to me!_" I screamed.

"And what could you have done to stop me? I am infinitely older and more intelligent than you; while your ancestors were still swinging through trees, I was guiding my people to shape the universe to our will. We don't even _need_ the Hourai Elixir, as we are naturally undying. Immortal, infallible, beautiful… you should be _honored_ to be reborn in my image."

Her words, her tone, even her _expression _as she said those words; all of those things caused me to go from pissed to absolutely _murderous_ in an instant. With a loud _snap_, I tore out of the straps holding my right arm down and grabbed Eirin's hair. Pulling the Lunarian closer, I ripped my other arm free and punched her in the face. She jerked back as I let go, clutching a profusely-bleeding nose. With her distracted, I reached down, tore the leather straps off my legs, and pushed myself off the berth. I hit the cold tiled floor of the room, my legs weak from lack of use.

"Well, I suppose I should have anticipated this sort of reaction," Eirin glared at me through her fingers, blood dripping down her hands and face. "This ward will need to be cleaned up later."

_That _bitch_! She's just ruined any chance I have of returning to a normal life back in America, and that's _ALL_ she has to say!?_ All traces of intelligent thought in my mind evaporated, consumed by raw fury. Fighting past my trembling knees, I forced myself to stand up and charged Eirin. She attempted to raise an arm to shield herself, but the motion seemed sluggish, as if she was moving through water. Spotting the motion, I went over her raised arm. Our skulls met with a loud crack, and Eirin stumbled back, her cap falling to the ground. I myself was unfazed, having bashed skulls with many people in my life.

Eirin quickly regained her balance and finally began to fight back, throwing a right hook in retaliation. Again, the movement appeared slower than it should have been. Twisting my hip, I grabbed Eirin's outstretched arm and yanked with all my strength in the opposite direction. A loud snap, accompanied by Eirin's cry of pain, confirmed that the humanoid arm was not meant to bend in the direction I'd just made it bend. While still clutching her now-broken arm, I gripped the back of her head with my left hand and, swiping her feet out from under her, let both of us fall backwards.

The blinding pain of the back of my head hitting the tile floor was disorienting, and spots began to creep up in the corners of my vision, but those things didn't prevent me from hearing the sudden _snap_ next to my right ear on impact. Shaking the spots out of my vision, I looked over to Eirin. What I saw nearly made me vomit on the spot.

Eirin had impacted the floor with the bottom of her chin, and the hand I'd grabbed her with had slipped down her body by mere inches during the fall. The end result was Eirin's head resting at an unnatural angle with her neck. Her Adam's apple jutted from her throat, and she had stopped breathing. All the hatred, the rage, the mindless fury—all of it vanished in an instant. Taking its place was shock, panic, and complete horror. Above it all, was a single thought:

_What have I done?_

I crawled away from the Lunarian's body. I only managed to move a few feet before the bile in my gut rising past the tipping point. With nothing in my stomach to force up, though, all that came out were dry, painful heaves that left my chest burning. The cold, sterile air and freezing tile floor of the ward bit into my burning skin, creating an unbearable sensation that just couldn't be described as 'pain.' I opened my mouth to scream, but I could only begin to retch once more as my stomach tried to turn itself inside-out.

This repeated for about half a minute before, finally, mercifully, my body gave out on me. I slumped to the ground and blacked out.

XXXXX

Eirin groaned as she came to her senses. "Ugh… Yukari was right. HELL of a temper, this one." She rolled over and sat up. Glancing over, she noticed the girl on the floor a few feet away, having passed out from what looked like a severe panic attack.

Sighing, Eirin produced a pager and hit a button. Almost instantly, a rabbit-eared girl popped into existence with a loud crack of displaced air. "Look, princess, if you're going to join some clan, the least you can do is… is…"

It took a moment for Reisen Undongein Inaba to realize she'd been teleported mid-lecture. She eyed Eirin with an annoyed expression. "Could you please give me a warning before you portal me away to do whatever it is you called me for…? Er, what _did_ you call me for, anyway?"

Eirin pointed at the unconscious girl sprawled out on the floor. "Girl woke up and went berserk, managed to snap my neck before shock and fatigue took her out."

"Well, ah, who is this, then?"

"Yukari's latest outsider," Eirin answered. "_He_ came to me for treatment a few days ago, and I decided to try a new drug on him. He insisted I don't, but there's not much one can do about it if they're asleep."

Reisen narrowed her eyes. "You just don't understand how to take NO for an answer, do you?"

"Funny." Eirin scratched her chin absently. "That's the exactly what he… or rather, what she said after she woke up."

"Of course she did."

"What's with that tone, Reisen…? Wait, who are you texting?"

Suddenly, Eirin's phone rang. She brought it out and answered. "Hello?"

"_What have I told you about running experiments on humans!?"_

Eirin's head jerked back as Kaguya Houraisan screamed in her ear. "It was only an outsider, Princess. I've honestly done him a favor in the long run—"

"_I don't care! You've almost certainly traumatized him, or her, whatever he is now. Have you never felt 'empathy' even once in your infinite life, Yakogoro?"_

"Well, what do you want me to do about it? Bring the outsider home with me?"

"_Yes."_

Eirin blinked. "Princess, I'm not sure that's a good idea…"

"_I didn't ask whether it was a good idea or not! You _will_ bring the outsider to Eientei, to me. No questions. Do you understand, Eirin?"_

The Lunarian's response was scarcely louder than a grumble. "…Yes, princess."

"_Good. Get to it."_ The phone went dead.

Fuming, Eirin pitched the phone back to Reisen. As the rabbit fumbled to catch it, Eirin pulled a handgun out of Hammerspace and shot the rabbit in the foot.

Reisen dropped to the floor. "WHAT WAS THAT FOR!?" she screamed, clutching her bleeding foot.

"_That_ was for being a snitch. Now get up and help me bring this girl to Eientei."

Whimpering, Reisen limped out of the room (leaving a trail of blood as she left) and returned with a wheelchair and a hospital gown. Together with Eirin, she pulled the girl off the floor and propped her up on a table so the gown could be slid onto her unconscious body. That done, the girl was settled into the wheelchair and rolled out of the ward.

XXXXX

"…_Hey… Wake up…"_

I wrapped myself deeper in the flannel sheets. "Hold on… just let me sleep a little longer…" _Man, that was one incredibly bizarre dream… just wait 'til the guys at the Station Wagon hear about this…_

"_Hmm… How 'bout NO!"_ I felt something shove me in the back, sending me over the side of the bed. Suddenly forced into consciousness, I wiggled frantically in my cloth cocoon until I broke free.

This… did NOT look like my room. Plain yellow walls, wooden floors… and the strange girl rounding the bed to face me. Wrapped in an extravagant oriental gown, she had long, straight, jet-black hair and deep chocolate eyes.

And then the memories came flooding back.

"Oh my god! Eirin!" I bolted to my feet. "Where is she? I she okay? I'm sorry, I never meant to get her killed! I was just so angry, I wasn't thinking, I just…"

Kaguya grabbed me by the shoulder and gently shook me, snapping me out of my hysteria. "It's alright. Eirin's fine. She and I are immortal, remember?"

"Immortal…? Oh… right…" I mumbled. "Is she… mad at me?"

"Not really. If anything, she's more upset with _me_ because I forced her to bring you here to Eientei."

"Oh…" I hung my head… bringing two large mounds of flesh into my view, covered by a teal robe. "Fucking…" I mumbled something unintelligible.

Kaguya leaned in. "I'm sorry, did you say something.

"A mirror. I need a _fucking mirror_." Kaguya looked hurt, but pointed to a wardrobe mirror on the far side of the room. Without a sound, I stepped in front of it.

I didn't even recognize the face looking back at me in the mirror. Fearing what I would see, I tore off the hospital gown covering my body.

It was as if I'd hooked up with Eirin and we had a kid together. The only features that were remotely familiar to me were my sandy brown hair (which hadn't exactly changed in length, looking very odd in contrast to everything else) and blue eyes. Above all of the horrific conversion of all my masculine body features, it was the eyes that caught my attention the most. They were dull, lacking any sort of lively spark in them. They were the eyes of a broken spirit; lost, hurt, and afraid, consumed by weariness.

They were _my_ eyes. And they _scared_ me.

Kaguya stepped forward. "Are you alright?"

My head whipped around. "What do _you_ think?" My voice was a sharp whisper.

Kaguya calmly raised her hands up. "I understand your pain. I've lived a very, _very_ long time; trust me when I say I've pretty much seen it all."

"No, you _don't_ understand," I hissed. "Just because you've seen it happen to somebody else, that doesn't mean you'd know what it's like to have it happen to _you_!"

Kaguya opened and closed her mouth several times, searching for the right words to say to me. "…I guess you're right. I've never been in your kind of predicament. But the point is, I _have_ seen others who suffered like you have. Do you want to know the one thing they had in common? They all _moved on._ It took time, yes, but sooner or later they came to accept their changed life for what it was. If you just _try_, you can

"You think I can get over becoming a girl just like _that_?" I snapped my fingers. "I've lived as a man for all nineteen fucking years of my life. If you expect me to come to terms with an entirely new way of life at the drop of a hat, you can forget it."

"Of course not. I don't expect you to get over it instantly (Eirin probably would, but between you and me she just doesn't like you). But you'll never be able to get over it _at all_ if you don't at least make an effort."

I moved back to the bed I'd woken up in and slumped down. "What's the point? I'm probably going to be trapped here for the rest of my life, however long that is, and all the people close to me will never even remember I exist. I've got nothing to live for…"

"_Look kid, I can only play therapist and tolerate your moping for so long before it starts rubbing off on me!"_ Kaguya exclaimed in English, with a heavy Japanese accent. _"Get a hold of yourself!"_

I froze. "…You… you speak English?"

"Of course I do. The majority of the online gaming population speaks English; I'd be missing on a lot of fun if I didn't go bilingual. I figured you'd be a little more comfortable speaking to someone in your native tongue."

"It's not helping. All you're doing is reminding me of everything in my life that's been taken away from me. "

Kaguya spoke to me with a quiet and calm voice. "You may say you have nothing to live for, but that doesn't mean you can't _find_ something worth living for. If you'd just let me, I could help you to cope with everything Gensokyo has done to you. I'm not asking you to change all at once, but you don't have to do it alone."

I was silent. Kaguya took a deep breath. "You say I don't know your pain. But I do. I was exiled from the moon because I drank the Hourai Elixir. The cover story is that it was to protect me from assassination- the Lunar Capital was in deep political turmoil at the time—but the fact is, _I_ asked Eirin to make the elixir for me. I didn't think about the consequences my selfish actions would have, and I was cast away from the only home I'd known for millennia for it.

"I was mad—unfairly so. Eirin tried to console me, warned me not to let my anger get the best of me, but I didn't listen to her. Instead, I took it out on complete strangers… Fujiwara no Mokou's father among them. People back then thought I was just another commoner, blessed with otherworldly beauty. As an aristocrat, seeking the hand of a commoner was already a bad idea in the eyes of nobility, and the senior Fujiwara was never that popular to begin with. Being demanded one of the five Impossible Requests (all of which were in _my_ possession) by a _commoner_, and subsequently failing, was one of the greatest insults he could have suffered, and his social status plummeted as a result.

"Now, it's not common knowledge, but Mokou was an unwanted child. She was already mistreated before I turned down the hand of her father, and things could only get worse from there when his public image imploded. Locked away in her house, she was helpless to defend herself as her father began to take out all of his anger and pain on her. The abuse escalated in severity over time, continuing all the way up until his suicide. Unwanted, abused, orphaned; I destroyed Mokou's life out of selfish anger, and she has every reason to hate me for it.

"I'm telling you this because I don't want the same thing to happen to you. I'm trying to give you a chance to accept what has happened, before your sorrows cause the destruction of an innocent person's life, like mine did. But you have to _let me help you_. Do you understand?"

Kaguya's story struck a chord in my heart. I may have seemed blunt and uncaring to the people in my life, but that was just because I have trouble expressing emotion; deep down, I genuinely cared for others. I never meant to cause anybody harm. It was true, I was absolutely mortified by my unwilling transformation, but I didn't want other people to suffer because of it. If I had to accept

Finally, I looked up to face Kaguya. "What am I going to do?"

"You stay here, at Eientei. Learn how to live like us women. I won't force anything; in order for any of what we teach you to stick, you have to learn at your own pace, and you need to be comfortable with it."

"What about everybody else? Reimu, Yukari, Sanae? Will they know where I am?"

"You just let me worry about that," Kaguya said. "For now, though, let's start the rehabilitation. First thing's first, a name change is in order. What's your real name?"

"Luke."

"Okay, that probably won't do. From what little I know of Western culture, there are a few boys' names that a girl can get away with having, like Charlie or Sam (though that's usually short for 'Samantha' or something). Luke, though, is not one of those names. For your sake, the change doesn't have to be drastic. It can be something simple."

"What about Lucy?"

"That's perfect." Kaguya glanced at a clock behind me. "Well, would you look at the time. It's almost midnight."

"Oh, really?" I glanced back. Kaguya was right—it was 20 'til. "Huh…"

A sudden wave of exhaustion hit me. Wobbling on my hands and knees, I put myself back into the bed I'd been sitting on. "Great… thanks for reminding me… now I can't…" I yawned. "…fuck."

Chuckling, Kaguya picked the bedsheets up from the floor and tossed them over me. "I'll leave you to get some shut-eye. See you in the morning."

I didn't respond, already fast asleep. Kaguya silently flicked the lights off and left the room, closing the door behind her.


	12. Rehabilitation

My god, I can't stress enough how much that last chapter was a PAIN to write. It's like I have this sort of _image_ in my head of what I'm trying to write, but when it comes to emotional scenes, I can never seem to put it into words in a coherent way. I actually had well over 3,000 words of this chapter written by the time I finished.

Anyway, on to the next chapter…

XXXXX

Silent pokes to my shoulder roused me from sleep. "Wake up, Lucy. Are you ready to begin the first day of your new life?"

I yawned. "Screw that…"

Kaguya huffed and pinched my thigh. I shot awake with a yelp, falling off the side of the bed. "Alright, alright, I'm up…" I shakily got to my feet.

"Come on, get moving!" Kaguya pressed me to move, but I barely budged.

"But I'm still so… tired… can barely move…" I yawned.

"Weird. I'll call up Eirin." Kaguya shuffled through her robe and pulled out a pager-looking device. She pressed a button.

Eirin popped into existence next to us. The sudden displacement of air created a shockwave, sweeping me off my jittering legs. However, I just didn't have the strength to get back up.

Eirin looked slightly surprised at first, but she quickly composed herself. "I think I'm starting to understand why Reisen is upset about the teleportation device... so, what is it you need, princess?"

Kaguya simply pointed to me and said, "Lucy's not getting active. She's had plenty of time to lay around, so I don't get why she's moving at a snail's pace.

"I see." Eirin looked to me, and her expression soured. "So, you're going by Lucy now? Not very original." Regardless, she pulled me off the ground and gave me a quick examination, checking my pupil dilation and pulse.

"I knew I forgot something…" the Lunarian finally said after about a minute. Pulling out a syringe, she bent my head to the side and jabbed it into my neck.

Within moments, my body, having previously felt heavy as lead, began to grow incredibly warm and light. The weariness melted away almost instantly, and I pushed myself off the bed, this time successfully remaining upright.

"Er… what did you just pump into her?" Kaguya asked.

Eirin pulled a small biohazard waste disposal bin from hyperspace and got rid of the used needle. "A cocktail of vitamins and nutrients. Good to kick-start your body when it has no energy."

"My god, I feel like I'm on fire!" I said. "Why did you do that!?"

"Your metabolism is fluctuating periodically due to your recent… _transformation_." She glanced away as she said this. "Anyway, there's no need to worry, it'll stabilize after you start moving around."

Thankfully, the burning receded after a few seconds. "Oh. That's a relief." I stretched my body—and heard a loud rip above the popping of joints. Startled, I looked around. Eventually, I looked down and discovered that the ripping noise had, in fact, been the flimsy hospital gown I'd been wearing, torn wide open. "Fuck!" I squealed and wrapped the bedsheets around my exposed body.

"Well, Lucy… looks like you already know how to react to a wardrobe malfunction," Kaguya chuckled. Off to the side, Eirin smirked.

"Not funny," I growled. "I need something _real _to wear. What happened to the clothes I had when I came into your clinic? Where are they?"

Eirin fidgeted a bit. "Your clothes are fine, but… I was planning on burning them. I'm not sure they'll fit on you as it is."

The room was dead-silent for three seconds. "Just bring them to me. I'll be the judge of that," I stated flatly.

Eirin held her hands up. "Alright, I'll get them brought here."

A few minutes later, my shirt and jeans were brought to me by a little rabbit. I put them, taking comfort in the familiar feel of the worn fabric. "That's better," I said, "… although it IS rather loose. Thank god I was wearing a belt when I got gapped." Curious about my appearance, I stepped to the mirror.

Now that I could get a closer examination, I spotted some differences in body structure between me and Eirin. I'd shrunk a few inches in height through the transformation, so I now stood over half a foot shorter than Eirin, which was odd considering her near-Amazonian stature. But while she had me beat in height, her figure was actually rather stick-ish. Instead, I trumped Eirin in width. Wider hips, more rounded thighs, a narrower waist, and, of course, the breasts. Overall, my decreased height gave me a much curvier figure than her. _Not exactly something to… on second thought, this _would_ be something to write home about. From the average unfit young man to a girl with a near-perfect figure._

"It looks good," Kaguya commented "Fits your form quite well. But it doesn't exactly fit in with what everybody else wears in Gensokyo. You'll have to find something to wear that's more in line with everybody else's fashion. Maybe Eirin can spare one of her outfits so you can warm up to dresses…?"

"…I'll see what I can do." Eirin's answer was short and brisk, with the slightest hint of annoyance in her voice.

"Er… alright, I guess that's okay. Also, my hair… just doesn't seem right." It hadn't magically grown out through my transformation, so my hair was only about two inches long, making me look like a very well-endowed tomboy. "Can we fix that?"

"You're going to be here for a while, so you'll have time to grow it out."

"Alright, now that you're clothed, take a seat." Eirin said. "It's time you learn the more biological aspects of the female form in detail."

I stared at the Lunarian, eyes wide. "You're kidding me."

"I'm afraid not." Eirin pulled out a tablet. "You need to know about your new body as much as possible before you get released into the outside world again. All the better you're getting it from me, a _female physician_."

"I'm not an idiot, Yakogoro, I was in college before Yukari gapped me. I've taken basic anatomy."

"Indeed. _Basic_ anatomy. I'm going to teach you everything the textbooks leave out."

In the end, I ended up sitting through her lecture. Once she was done, she told me that, since I was now part-Lunarian, my body would for the most part stop aging thanks to my newfound ability to regenerate degraded and dead cells. "…That, also, includes your body's egg cells," Eirin finished rather awkwardly.

"So, what, no menopause?" I joked, nervous.

"No. For now, though, your reproductive system is in a 'dormant' state, not releasing any eggs, so you're in no danger of menstrual bleeding or mood swings. I'd be _extremely_ careful, Lucy—if your libido is stimulated, by an aphrodisiac, for example, your lower body's going to wake up."

"I don't understand," I said. "If Lunarians don't have to worry about running out of eggs, why are there so few of you?"

"The one drawback to having a near-impenetrable immune system? Our body will viciously fight _any_ foreign substance that isn't food. Long story short, Lunarians _are_ fertile, it's just very, very hard for us to conceive. You're not pure Lunarian, so you likely won't have so much trouble, if you ever decide to have a kid. Just make sure you know what you're doing beforehand, or else the sex just gets awkward as hell."

"I'll keep it in mind," I replied sarcastically.

A sudden, sharp pain shot through my lower abdomen, and I doubled over. It wasn't an unfamiliar pain: ANYONE with a bladder has known the feeling at some point or another in their life.

"Oh, god… er, if I may…?" I looked up with a pleading expression.

"Bathroom's thataway, down the hall." Eirin pointed. With a nod of thanks, I rushed away to relieve myself.

XXXXX

"I'm not sure about this…" I examined the strip of cloth in my hands. _And this is considered _modest_ in terms of lingerie!_

"It's either this or bloomers, and I don't see you as the type for frilly outfits," Eirin argued. "Besides, those boxers are rather loose around your legs."

"Can't you just make some new boxers that fit me?"

"We're scientists, not tailors. You'll have to make do with what we've got."

"Are you absolutely _sure_ there's no other option?" My grip on the underwear in my hand tightened in anxiousness.

"Alright, listen." Eirin gripped my shoulder. "You aren't doing yourself any favors turning down my offers of help." She help up the red-blue dress I was going to don. "So unless you'd rather wander Gensokyo in bare skin, just swallow your pride and _put on the blasted panties_."

In a single motion, Eirin spun me on my heels and pushed me into the dressing room. I could feel Eirin's gaze on me, even through the closed screen door. Slowly, nervously, I undid the belt holding my jeans up. Almost instantly, they dropped to the floor around my ankles. Stepping out of the jeans, I tucked a thumb into the elastic band at my hips.

Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and tugged the boxers off. Working on touch, I fumbled with the underwear in my hands. _Put one foot through… then the other_… and I quickly pulled them up.

It felt so strange. The lingerie was uncomfortably snug (one of the reasons I went with boxers over briefs in the first place as a boy), but it covered everything It had to. There was nothing to ride up or feel strange on my skin (that is, at least I'd thought at the time; boy, was I proven wrong), and nothing shifted as I moved around. "I guess… it's not too bad…" I mumbled, and, raising my voice, called out to Eirin. "Ready for the dress."

A hand jutted out from the screen door, holding out the red-blue garments. "Alright, it's not anything you haven't done before," I said to myself, . "Just think of it like putting on a bathrobe… only I'm going to wear the robe in public…"

A minute later, I emerged from the dressing room. "Well?" Eirin asked.

I tugged at the skirt of the dress. "…Too tight and narrow around the legs."

"What!?" Eirin said in disbelief.

"Surely, you've seen how I walk around. I have a wide gait. My legs have so much less range of motion in your dress."

"Well, I'm sorry I don't conform to your standards!" Eirin threw her hands up in exasperation.

I held my hands up. "I'm not trying to insult you. I'm just saying, if I'm going to wear a dress, I'd like to have some leg room. What can you suggest?"

Eirin glared at me for a little longer. Finally, her expression softened and she sighed. "I can think of two options. The first is a _cheongsam, _a Chinese side-split dress. It's a tad exotic in my opinion, and impractical for combat, but it fits your criteria, and it's a one-piece for quick and easy removal. OR, you can compromise between a dress and your preferred attire by wearing a tabard over a simple shirt and leggings; take out the leggings, and you've got a similar (though bolder) result as the _cheongsam_.

"I'd recommend the tabard. It, as well as the rest of the outfit, can be easily bought down in the village. They're expensive, but much less so than the _cheongsam_, which would have to be custom-tailored for you _and_ would take time to make. If you're lucky, though, the Chinese girl who works at the SDM (if she IS Chinese) might have one laying around that could fit you."

"I see. Well, thanks for the advice."

"It's nothing. Just remember to return that dress to me later." Eirin handed me my regular clothes. "Now, if you'll follow me, I'll take you to the living room."

XXXXX

A few days later the inevitable occurred.

"The familial hierarchy of Gensokyo is a fairly simple matter. If there is no magic in the blood of the family, then the father is the head of the household, period. However, magic runs primarily on the mother's side of the family, so if magic _does_ run in the family's blood, odds are only the mother and daughters will have any potential—"

Suddenly, a loud _snap_ echoed in my head. I brought a hand to my skull in confusion…

"_Hei! Anata mo watashi no hanashi o kiite imasu ka? __Watashi wa nani o kurikaeshite inaidesunode."_

…wait, _what did she just say!?_

"_Nani ga kiniiranai noda. Anata wa zutsū o motte imasu ka?"_ Eirin said something that sounded like it was a question.

"I can't understand what you're saying! Something's wrong!"

Eirin blinked, then spoke again, this time with that strangely-smooth and light yet energetic accented English that just didn't seem to fit her personality. "What are you talking about? You've been able to understand me just fine over the past few days."

"That was with the help of a translation enchantment put on me by Sanae Kochiya. It must have worn off…"

"That's unfortunate. You won't be able to communicate with anybody in Gensokyo if you can't understand Japanese." Eirin checked a nearby clock. "…I suppose we have the time for it. I'll teach you Japanese the old-fashioned way."

I paused, then shrugged. "Whatever floats your boat."

"Good. Let's start with the basic vowels and enunciations…"

XXXXX

Days at Eientei turned into weeks. The going was slow, but progress was made—in fact, Kaguya and Eirin claimed I was recovering faster than expected. For the most part, I went through the female mannerisms easily, as I pretty much conformed to some of them already. In the meantime, Eirin was instructing me in Japanese. I was quick to catch on to the language, to her surprise, memorizing some basic terms and grammar in a matter of days. In fact, to bridge the gap between writing left to right and writing down and towards the left, I simply wrote the Japanese characters sideways, something Eirin stated as highly unorthodox but effective. I chalked it up to being the result of listening to a _lot_ of Japanese music and anime.

Right now, I was arguing with Kaguya about the necessity of makeup. "I honestly don't see why I need it. If I've got such good looks thanks to Eirin, and she doesn't wear makeup, why should I?"

"I know where you're coming from on this, but there's eventually going to be an occasion where you absolutely have to put something on your face!" Kaguya countered. "At the very least, you need to know how to put it on!"

"...Fine."

Kaguya guided me through the basic stuff, like blush and eyeliner. When I looked at my work in a mirror, I was honestly surprised—my skin looked a lot more radiant and healthy than before. Having spent years of my life as a shut-in, I had a rather pale complexion (not as pale as Eirin though), so I was fairly pleased that I had a light pink shade to my normally-clammy skin, and the ever-present bags under my eyes weren't as noticeable as before. Now my bright chestnut hair, which I'd grown out to my shoulders by that point, didn't look so out of place on me.

"See, it's not as bad as you think. You look beautiful."

My cheeks turned an even brighter pink at Kaguya's compliment. "Wow, uh, thanks…"

"No need to be bashful, I'm only stating the truth. Now, close your eyes and hold still." Kaguya grabbed a nearby cloth and rubbed the blush and eyeliner off my face. "Next, we work on the ceremonial makeup, used for a variety of occasions in feudal Gensokyo."

"Please tell me you're joking."

"No, I am not."

To keep my mind off of the sheer ridiculousness of the matter at hand, I started chatting with Kaguya. "What do you think of the Indoctrination Theory?"

"Load of crap. A desperate attempt by disappointed fans to justify the horrible ending Bioware gave them for _Mass Effect 3_."

"Are you _kidding_ me!?" I exclaimed. "It was EA's fault! They pushed Bioware into releasing the game earlier than intended. If they'd just pushed back the deadline, the ending would have been better."

"They _also_ planned a perfectly good original ending based around dark energy, and thanks to the _fandom_ hunting down and leaking that information, they had to change the ending."

I turned and stared at Kaguya, jaw hanging. "How can you be so blasé about this? One of the biggest letdowns in videogame history (aside from _Duke Nukem Forever_, but I never had much faith in _that_ game to begin with), and you _wouldn't_ at least be grasping at straws if there was a chance it could be saved?"

"Not really."

"Why, you!" I grabbed a towel and wiped away the makeup on my face. "I know a few fan-made documentaries on the Indoctrination Theory. _Halo 3_, first to ten kills wins. If I win, you have to watch them. If _you_ win, I finish putting on the makeup without a fight."

"You're on."

_About an hour later_…

Damn, I didn't know you could do THAT with a shotgun… "Hey, easy with the shading, it's going to look ridiculous!"

"Hey, the black eyes are figurative of the _ass-kicking_ I just gave you. Now for the powder…" Kaguya puffed me in the face a few times with a fluffy pad, then turned me towards the mirror.

"…Okay, now you're making me look like a mime."

Kaguya burst into laughter, drowning out my vows to eventually get back at her.

…

That night, the Eientei crew, plus me, sat around the kotatsu in the living room, content to relax and say nothing. After a while, I started to yawn. _"Well, I guess I'll be heading to bed,"_ I excused myself from the group, practicing my Japanese.

"The grammar is correct, but you're putting too much emphasis on individual syllables," Eirin judged me. "Each vowel should flow into the next seamlessly. To a native, you'd simply be making a string of incoherent sounds. Don't worry, though. We'll work on your pacing tomorrow."

"Alright." I got to my feet and did a short bow. "I'll see you ladies in the morning." I made my way to the guest room where I was staying, and tucked myself into the bed. A few hours passed, and I hadn't yet fallen asleep.

Then again, I wasn't trying to sleep.

Sometime around midnight, I slipped out of the bed and moved to the doorway. I held my ear to the closed door, using my heightened senses to listen to the noises on the other side. Save for the soft pitter-patter of rabbit feet scurrying through the halls of Eientei, all was quiet.

Good. The others were in their beds. Time to move.

Being as quiet as possible, I slid the door open and tiptoed out. My heightened senses were a godsend right now—instead of playing trial and error wandering through the maze that was Eientei's halls, I simply followed the scents of chemicals. Sniffing lightly, I turned to the left and moved quickly down the hall.

Turning the corner, a small youkai rabbit bumped into my feet. It (or was it a she? Hard to tell with the rabbits) looked up at me, wrinkling its nose in surprise. I simply raised a finger to my lips. _"I was never here, understand?"_ I whispered in Japanese. I held my breath, hoping the message got across through my fractured accent.

The rabbit stared at me for a few more seconds. Finally, it twitched its head in what looked like a nod and hopped around me, moving on. Letting out a sigh of relief, I continued down the hallway.

After a few more turns through the hall (somehow avoiding another confrontation with any rabbits), I arrived at a stainless-steel hinged door that looked plain out of place in the oriental mansion. I opened the door and stepped into Eirin's lab. My first action was to don a pair of latex gloves, so as to leave no fingerprints. Flexing my fingers in the gloves, I scanned the room. After a few moments, I located the medicine cabinet, which was protected with…

_You've got to be kidding me. Millions of years of technological advancements, and Eirin uses a freaking KEYLOCK!? And an _old_ one at that… _I glanced around the lab and spotted a key sitting on the counter in front of me. Shaking my head in disbelief, I took the key and opened up the medicine cabinet. The bottles of medicine were lined up neatly and arranged mostly alphabetically. Their labels were in English for some reason, but I didn't know what any of the drugs were; fortunately, each bottle had a sticker detailing its uses.

I carefully and quietly examined each bottle. _Antibiotics, anti-biotics (er, what?), anticoagulants… wait, amnesiacs? Those might be useful._ I popped the cap off and took out a few of the capsules before setting the bottle back in place.

_Now, where was I… THERE it is!_ I snatched the bottle labeled _aphrodisiac_ from the shelf. Cracking it open, I found it was filled with blue pills. "Fuck…" I said to myself silently. I'd been hoping for capsules—those, I could just break open to get the drugs inside. Pills, I'd have to grind into powder. "How am I supposed to get anything done with this?"

And would you believe my lopsided luck, a mortar and pestle lay on a tray nearby. Grabbing a handful of the aphrodisiacs, I stepped over to the bowl. A couple minutes later, I had a small supply of blue powder. I grabbed the nearest empty, unlabeled bottle and poured the powder into it. After a moment's consideration, I grabbed a second bottle for the amnesiacs.

I paused for a moment. _I wonder… maybe there's something else here I could save for later…_ I returned to the medicine cabinet. Moving quickly but cautiously, I examined each and every bottle for anything that could be useful. If it looked good, and there was more than one bottle of it, I took one. It took somewhat longer than I'd expected, but I came away with a bottle of nutrient supplements similar to what Eirin injected me with; some all-purpose antivenom; sleeping medicine; and some kind of healing salve. Coming from Eirin, this stuff was sure to be more powerful than the work of any human doctor.

The first phase of my plan was complete. I carefully cleaned out the mortar and sterilized it with some alcohol pads before setting it back on its tray, and closed and re-locked the medicine cabinet. Confident I had removed any traces of my presence, I left the lab and returned to my bed.

In the morning, I greeted the others in the living room. Reisen, Eirin and Kaguya sat at the kotatsu, each with a mug of tea in hand. On the vacant side of the table, there was a cup of plain water for me.

"Would you mind if I went outside for some fresh air?"

"Go ahead," Kaguya said cheerfully. "Nobody's stopping you. Just don't stray too far into the bamboo forest."

"Thanks." I stepped out into the hallway towards the doorway, which was thankfully very close by. I gently gripped the door and slid it open. A gust of cool morning air buffeted my exposed skin, and I took a deep breath of the crisp, wild air. Shivering, I closed the door. Stepping away from the door, I leaned against the opposite wall and waited.

A few minutes later, I pushed myself off the wall, opened the door and slammed it much more forcefully. Taking a breath, I sprinted back to the room where Kaguya and the others were sitting, rather startled by the sudden noise. "Mokou! Outside! Furious…"

"Oh, god." All three Lunar migrants shot to their feet. "

"She must have heard about me from Keine, thought I was joining your crew and flipped," I gasped. "What's going to happen to me?"

"Nothing, as long as we have anything to say about it." Eirin gestured Reisen and Kaguya towards the door. "Stay here, we'll try and shoo her off."

As the last of the three vanished from sight, my posture relaxed. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the bottle of blue powder, smirking to myself. "Well, that was easier than I thought."

Pulling off the cap, I bent down to the kotatsu. Within seconds, I'd sprinkled a good amount of the powdered aphrodisiac into each of their mugs and stirred it in. "Phase two… complete," I muttered. "Now to keep my cool long enough for them to fall for it."

Eventually, the women returned looking rather confused. "False alarm… Must have been a feral youkai. My god, Lucy, don't scare us like that!" Kaguya said.

"Sorry…" I panted.

"It's alright. Nobody's hurt. Now, just sit down, take your mind off of it." And so, the four of us sat at the table, sipping our beverages and discussing miscellaneous topics.

Finally, the drugs began to take effect. The first to fall was Kaguya, who started groaning. "I'm feeling feverish all of a sudden… ugh!" Kaguya stood up, clutching her gut. "I think I ate something rotten… I'm going to the latrine!"

Eirin watched as the princess darted off into the depths of the mansion. "Looks like the Princess ingested something…" She struck me with an accusing glance. _"Did you put something in her tea?"_

"What are you talking about?" I asked, taking a long draught of my water. It was tough to fight the urge to run from impending danger, and I could only barely hold up a poker face in front of the other girls. "I nearly had a damn panic attack fearing that I could get caught in crossfire between the immortals, and you accuse me of putting something in Kaguya's tea?" _I would never single her out; I drugged you and Reisen, as well._

"Master…?" Reisen asked in a hushed tone, beginning to waver. "My body feels hot…"

"What? What are you…" Eirin started, but drifted off. She realized that her words were suddenly sounding slurred. Both girls' faces were burning a bright red, and their words were punctuated with stressed panting.

"You gals alright?" I asked.

"I think… aphrodisiac…"

"Tewi?"

"It has to be…" I said, slowly moving away from the table.

Eirin yanked at her collar. Reisen was two steps ahead of her master, having already ripped off her shirt and skirt (_seriously, why does every depiction of Reisen give her horizontal-striped panties!?_)… and beginning to crawl towards me. I shot to my feet, quickly moving away from the horny rabbit.

"Lucy… get out! Run, while you still can!" Just when she seemed about to pounce, Eirin tackled her, giving me time enough to run out through the front door and escape to the edge of the forest.

It took approximately two minutes for the moaning to become audible all the way out at the edge of the forest. Alone at last, I began to laugh. I'd never thought it would be so easy…

I was laughing too hard to acknowledge the footsteps coming up behind me. "What's a human doing this far into the bamboo forest?"

Startled, I shot forward and landed on my face. I spat the dirt and grass out of my mouth as I turned to face the not-stranger. She had long silver hair, a white shirt with crimson overalls, talismans all over her clothing, and an expression that said, 'Don't fuck with me.' "Who are you?"

"Fujiwara no Mokou." The silver-haired girl pointed to herself, then to me. "An outsider, I presume? Your face is too round, your eyes too pronounced, for you to be Gensokyan. Plus, Keine said somebody came to the village, walked into the Inaba's clinic, and never came out. I always figured they had a backdoor to Eientei in there."

"Yes…" I whimpered. "I'm not a bad person, honest. Please don't hurt me."

Mokou's expression softened. "Relax, kid. I'm not gonna kill you. Just because you share a roof with the Lunarians doesn't necessarily mean you align with their interests. I can understand that." She crouched down next to me. "Now, why don't you introduce yourself and explain what you're doing all the way out here?"

As I talked about my predicament with Mokou, she opened up a little. Her personality seemed exactly what I thought it would be: she was a bit gruff at times, but if she could identify with you, and didn't see you as any threat, she could be very friendly. Soon enough, we were both rolling on the ground laughing at my handiwork.

"You sure you can get away with this?" Mokou asked between fits of laughter.

"I don't come across as a prankster type, so they'll go right over my head. Once they snap out of it, they'll reflexively blame the little rabbit, and no one shall be the wiser." We returned to laughing our asses off.

I eventually got over the novelty of the prank, before Mokou. Thinking to myself for a moment, I looked to her. "Hey… Kaguya told me about what happened to you to make you hate her. It probably doesn't mean anything, seeing as I had no part in it, but for what it's worth, I'm sorry for your suffering. No living being should have to go through that."

Instantly, the laughter stopped. Mokou fixed me with a burning glare. "I don't need your damned pity."

I was taken aback by her rapid change in attitude. "I'm sorry."

Getting to her feet, Mokou hauled me up to her level. "Look, kid, I don't know what kind of sob-story you put on to make her open up to you like that, and frankly, I don't care. But for your own sake, do not pry into the history between me and the princess. Understand?"

"Yes."

"Smart kid." She dropped me and sighed. "Now, you are going to stay here, and I'm going into Eientei and snapping those women out of their sex-craze. Got it?" I nodded. "Good."

Mokou shot off into the mansion, where I could still hear the orgy going on. Within an instant, however, the moans of pleasure turned into agonized screams. As I watched, the eastern wall of Eientei exploded outward, sending the unconscious bodies of Tewi (where'd she come from?) and Reisen flying. Eirin and Kaguya, however, were nowhere to be seen.

XXXXX

"_You wanted to talk with me, Kaguya?"_ I asked.

"_Yes. Go ahead, take a seat."_ Kaguya gestured for me to sit with her at the kotatsu. She had a can of soup within arm's reach, and offered me my usual mug of water. "And you're free to be casual with me, remember."

"_Oh, er. Okay…" _I cleared my throat. "…Alright. It's just that Eirin's had me speaking, writing, hell, even _thinking_ in Japanese for the past two weeks. It's become so confusing."

"That's great. You've come a long way from that dribbling wreck in a hospital gown all those months ago. There've been some bumps along the road, sure, but nothing you couldn't overcome…"

"Oh, how you have maimed my spirit," I crooned. "Let me count the ways… okay, there was that training me to sit on my knees, that left the lower half of my body numb for nearly twenty hours; Reisen force-feeding Japanese food to me (have to admit, not as bad-tasting as I expected); Eirin educating me on... _feminine_ paraphernalia..." I cringed as the images of that particular lesson resurfaced in my mind.

"Hey, it could have been worse." Kaguya shrugged. "It could have been _me_ teaching you how to utilize sex toys."

"…Touché."

"So, as I said, bumps on the road. Anyway, back on topic—I asked you here to talk about something."

"If it's about that night with Mokou and the aphrodisiac, I swear, I haven't told anyone."

Kaguya shook her head. "While that was absolutely hilarious, it's not what I was talking about. You're here so I can help you to accept, once and for all, what Gensokyo has done to you."

"What do you mean?"

"I won't lie; you've made great strides in overcoming your emotional trauma. But I can tell that somewhere, deep down, you're still clinging to the hope that you could possibly return to being Luke again, that you could return to a normal life. But the fact is, Lucy, is that once Gensokyo gets a hold of you—once _Yukari _gets a hold of you—she won't let you go until you're six feet under. If you are to truly say you've moved on, you have to stop lying to yourself. Let it go."

"I… that's a lot to ask of me."

"Yes, it is. But it's for your own sake, Lucy."

This was the point of no return for me. If I went through with this, if I threw away my identity, I might never have a chance to get it back… or even _want_ it back. I would be accepting that I might never see my friends and family again. At the same time, if I _didn't_ go through with it… I didn't know what would happen, but I might never be right in the head again. The decision was difficult…

Too difficult. "I… I can't." I shook my head solemnly. "I can't just throw away everything I left behind… my home, my family. I may not be the same person on the outside that I was when I came to Gensokyo, but damn it, I'm still _me._ By taking this vow, I lose everything that defines me; I'm losing the things that give me hope, keep me moving forward." I looked down at my hands—slender, smooth, with neatly-trimmed nails. _These hands don't belong to me._ "If accepting Gensokyo means giving up my hope, I won't do it."

When I looked back up, Kaguya had the barest hint of a smile on her lips. "That's what I wanted to hear."

I blinked. "What?"

"You're right to cling to your identity, however distanced it may be from who you are now. If you were truly willing to destroy your identity, you'd be lost to Gensokyo for good. Nothing but a shell of your former self, with no moral code to guide your actions. That's how so many other outsiders end up; Gensokyo destroys their identity, makes them into husks that act on a whim. You may be rather… disconnected at times, that's true, but you're not _that _broken on the inside, are you?"

I shook my head. "…no. No, I'm not."

"That's right. You are who you are. Now, I want to hear you say it."

"I am my own person, and I won't let anyone or anything try to change that." They were only words, but as I said them I felt as if a weight was lifted from my chest. I felt surer of myself now, more willing to take Gensokyo's madness head-on.

"Excellent. You've done a wonderful job." Kaguya said happily. "You've done so well, in fact, that I have something I'd like to give you. Now, just close your eyes…"

I did as she said. Out of nowhere, I felt a burning sensation in my forehead…

I blinked. Kaguya and I sat at the kotatsu, Kaguya sitting on her knees and me sitting Indian-style, legs crossed. An empty soup can lay on Kaguya's side of the table that hadn't been there before. I looked to the clock on the wall, I was shocked to discover the hour hand had shifted _backwards_ several hours. "I… what's going on? What day is it?"

Kaguya chuckled. "It's your first day. It's only been a few hours since you woke up and received a set of clothes to replace that flimsy hospital gown."

…_What?_ "But I've been at Eientei for almost three months! What do you mean, it's only day one?"

"Let me answer your question, Lucy, with another question: do you know what my power is?" Kaguya asked, a grin on her face.

"What? I, er…" I wracked my mind, trying to call up Kaguya's entry on the wiki. "Manipulation of eternity?"

Kaguya's grin grew larger. "Close…" She picked up her empty soup can and held it up. "Watch."

Right before my eyes, the can started to disintegrate in the Lunarian's palm*. The label was the first to vanish, wrinkling and yellowing until it fell off the can and rotted away. As the label peeled away, the metal underneath, once dull silver, began to turn blue and brown, suddenly overtaken by rust. Within seconds, the rust enveloped the entire can, eating away at it until all that remained in Kaguya's hand were small, brittle chips. Finally, the chips themselves crumbled into a brownish dust, and nothing remained.

"Controlling the flow of time; that is my power. A moment of pure bliss, made to last forever… a grievous wound, one that would take many years to scar over, healed in the span of seconds under my influence…_ this_ is the source of the Hourai Elixir," Kaguya said calmly. "I'm not sure how it works—not even Eirin can find a logical explanation—but that's beside the point. I've given you back the months you spent rehabilitating here in Eientei."

"How does that power help accomplish… _this_? This isn't manipulating the flow of time, it's outright _time travel_."

"Can you think of a better explanation?" Silence. "I thought so. As I just said, I don't know the specifics, I just roll with it."

"I… this… _Kore wa don'na imi ga arimasen_..." I slapped a hand over my mouth. _What the hell did I just say!?_

"_Sore wa imi o __nasanakute mo kamaimasen. __Kore wa kekkyoku, gensō gōdearu.,_" Kaguya replied, smiling. Switching back to English, she continued. "You should start speaking like that more often. It will take some time to get used to speaking primarily Japanese instead of English, but it will work wonders towards building trust with natives."

"I… I don't know how to thank you enough for everything you've done for me…" I stammered, bowing my head.

"I could say the same for you. I've never had so much fun with an outsider before. As much as I interact with people through the virtual world, I get very lonely at times. Sure, there's Eientei, but Reisen hardly gets what I'm usually talking about, Eirin just doesn't care, Tewi is… well, Tewi, and the rabbits can't speak. Plus, Fujiwara no Mokou hates my guts, as I explained a while ago. It's nice to chat face-to-face with somebody who actually _shares_ my interests, trading thoughts and stories with them." Kaguya huffed. "Lift your head, Lucy, just a simple 'thank you' would have sufficed. You're just disgracing yourself like that."

I hung my head for a different reason, though. "I… I guess it's my turn to say that I understand your pain."

"What do you mean?"

"Well… before I came to Gensokyo, before _this_," I poked a finger to my chest, "Happened to me, I was a lot like you. I was born with something called Asperger's Syndrome—you can ask Eirin about it later. Bottom line, I had a lot of trouble with social interactions. I had rather narrow interests—most of which I've been discussing with you—and I couldn't pick up on social cues if my life depended on it. Over time, the few friends I had started drifting away, one by one. They were moving on with their lives, while I was simply too rooted in home and habit to follow. It wasn't long before my only common interaction with them was periodic text conversations.

"At that point, I'd entered college. I'd almost completely stopped trying to form connections with anybody I met, content to shoot the bull with people I met online. It just seemed to make it easier for me, talking to people without faces… but it wasn't enough. I always had this feeling like a hole in my gut, a need to really _bond_ with somebody, but I just _couldn't_. I don't know if it was because I didn't believe I _could_ make a meaningful bond, or…" My words drifted off.

"…you were afraid that if you did, you would end up hurting them, or being hurt yourself." Kaguya finished my statement for me.

I nodded. "But then, in the short time before Yukari took me away, I had finally realized that I wasn't doing myself any good. Isolating myself in my home, with nobody but my dogs for company during the day, was only making it harder and harder for me to socialize. Had Yukari not stolen me away from my life, I would have

I started to choke up. "Now… what am I… what am I going to do? Even if Yukari ever lets me return, nobody will even know who I am. My friends will think I'm some random chick… and if I try to prove I'm me by telling them about something only I'd know, they'll call me a stalker. And what about my family? Will they look at me and still see their awkward, quiet, dog-loving boy?"

I noticed I had a tear running down my cheek, and wiped it away. "Look at me. Reduced to tears by a question of 'what if.' I should be above this."

"You don't have to be." Kaguya moved to my side and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. "Everyone and everything has flaws. Worrying like this just shows you're still a good person at heart, in spite of everything that's happened to you."

I looked to her. "That's great and all, but what good will it do me? I'm a stranger in strange lands. Any bond I make will be one of necessity; Gensokyo isn't safe enough for an actual relationship, with my lack of strength."

"Just remember this, Lucy: this is Gensokyo, the land of opportunity—"

"That's America."

"Beside the point! As long as you're in Gensokyo, no matter how bleak things seem to you, just remember that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel."

"Light at the end of the tunnel… I guess you're right." I nodded. "It's funny. You always seem to know exactly what to say to snap me out of my depressed state. How do you do it?"

"I'm immortal, remember? I've had a _long_ time to learn how to play therapist. Especially after learning what I did to Mokou…" she trailed off.

"I guess so…" I thought for a moment. "Hey, do you think I would be able to remain at Eientei just a little longer?"

"You? Stay here? Aw, HELL NO! I'd lose my spot as top player in Eientei within a month!"

The room was silent for a few seconds before both of us burst into laughter. "Is that really a bad thing?" I chuckled.

Kaguya's expression turned dead-serious. "Yes, it is." Another pause, and the laughing resumed.

Finally, Kaguya managed to catch her breath again. "I understand it's been comfortable for you, staying here at Eientei, but your presence here endangers not just yourself, but Eientei's political standing, as well. Eirin will never admit it, but we aren't the most liked group in Gensokyo, just slightly-less distrusted than outsiders like you. Where others express their power through straightforward physical force, we Lunarians express ours with 'underhanded' science and medicine, so honor is rarely a term used to define us. If word were to leak out that you were staying here, humans would stop coming to Eirin for healing, and we would stop getting income."

"I thought Eirin sold medicine just to be a Good Samaritan?"

"That's not entirely accurate. Intelligent as we are, Lunarians can't break the laws of matter/energy conservation—whether it's for personal experiments or for making prescriptions, Eirin has to get her supplies from SOMEWHERE, and that somewhere is the outside world. The money she gets from selling medicine, Eirin gives to Yukari to purchase her goods beyond the border."

"…Damn it, I knew I forgot to tell Yukari something!" Eirin just happened to be passing by when Kaguya said this. Kaguya and I simply watched as Eirin hurried away to her lab.

Once she was out of sight, Kaguya turned back to me. "Okay… anyway, we're the only group the civilians can actually boycott—were you to lodge with anyone else, they wouldn't really be able to do a damn thing about it.

"Let me break it down: in the cases of Yuuka Kazami, Marisa Kirisame, and the Scarlet Devils, people would simply be too afraid to piss them off by protesting. The Underground is entirely beyond their jurisdiction, but it's a city of freaking _oni_, so the question of whether taking up residence there is a smart choice or not, is rather hit-or-miss. Lastly, humans rely on the Moriya Shrine, Hakurei Shrine, and Myouren Temple for spiritual guidance (well, technically, the Hakurei Shrine is more known for incident resolution than a stable religious following); it's not their place to question the will of their deities if an outsider is allowed room and board."

"What about the groups on Youkai Mountain? The tengu, the kappa…" Memories of the socially-inept kappa and Aya Shameimaru came to mind. "…wait, forget I asked."

"For what it's worth, if you're ever in need of a shoulder to lean on, you can always come back to visit us. But right now, it's in everybody's best interests if you returned to the people who originally gave you shelter."

"The Moriya Shrine," I said.

"That's good. You're under the watchful eye of two goddesses, three if you count Sanae herself. Now, they're sure to be worried as hell, having you vanish from the face of the earth for four days with no contact. In fact, now might be a good time to let her know you're okay."

Silently, I brought out my phone and typed a message to Sanae: _Are you there, Sanae?_ It took mere seconds for a response to come, in the form of Sanae calling me directly.

"_WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN! You went to the clinic four days ago to get your head checked, and nobody's seen or heard from you since! What happened!?"_

"It's… a long story," I replied quietly.

"… _What's with the voice? You catch a cold or something?"_

"That's a part of it… Eirin ran an experiment on me while I was sedated for an MRI. Fused her genes with mine. It cured me of all my health problems, environmental or genetic, but she destroyed my Y-chromosome. Now, I look like the two of us had a lovechild… with most of her good genes."

There was a long pause on the other end of the line. _"Oh... well… this isn't good."_

"I know. I freaked out and killed Eirin when I woke up and discovered what she did to me. Good thing she could heal."

"_That's not it. You can't return to the Moriya Shrine."_

"…What?"

"_My matron goddesses won't let women into the shrine. Before you say anything, it's not about sexism; they don't want _competition_."_

I was dumbstruck. "Competition? What the hell kind of competition!? I've never even _met_ Kanako or Suwako, and you're telling me they'd kick me out of their shrine for being accidentally gender-bent?"

"_It's a long-standing tradition in Japanese culture; during times when priestesses and goddesses just can't garner enough faith to remain strong through their words and actions, they do so with their bodies. Ever since Reimu and Marisa screwed up Kanako's plan to introduce nuclear power to Gensokyo, she's taken to making… _house calls_ to fill her quota. If she thinks a woman poses a threat to her attractiveness, she'll pitch them (_literally_, once) off the mountain."_

"You have to explain things to her! Tell her I have no intention of outshining her! Besides, I've live my entire life as a man, and you can't change a person's sexual alignment that easily (_which, ironically, may get me places in Gensokyo, what with all the chicks_)."

"_I'll do my best, but it's going to take some time and a lot of convincing. I'm sorry, Luke—"_

"It's Lucy now…"

"—_Lucy, but until I can persuade Kanako otherwise, you can't come back. You're going to have to find somebody else willing to take you in."_

The call ended. I sat there, jaw slack, the phone emitting a dial-tone in my hands, before finally turning to Kaguya. "What? What's wrong?" She asked.

"…I just got fucking _evicted_."

XXXXX

A/N: Longest chapter I've ever written! Spent about a month making sure nothing was too out of place. It's definitely still rough around the edges, but delays are delays.

For those of you wondering, the Romanized Japanese near the end of this chapter IS relevant to the topic at hand.

Lucy's line: _"This doesn't make any sense…"_

Kaguya's line: _"It doesn't have to make sense. This is Gensokyo, after all."_


	13. A Lost Soul

Lonely. She felt so lonely, and she didn't know why.

She didn't understand very much of anything, but her masters had always told her she was bright, brighter than her sister. Both she and her sister both saw it as great praise; her, for being called intelligent, and her sister for having such an intelligent sibling.

Naturally, being smart, she saw things somewhat more deeply than her pack-mates. _Why? Why do I feel like something is wrong with the world?_ She asked to the members of her pack present.

Her elder female picked herself up from her soft bed. _You are not alone in your fears, little one. _She moved forward and nuzzled her… in her weak leg. _I cannot place it, but something is wrong with our pack._

She jittered and moved away. _Careful._

_My master's embrace does not feel _right_, _her sister whimpered. _Her grip is soft and warm, but she does not tuck me into my bed come moonrise. We all receive our meals, but time cannot be told by their regularity._

_I have to know why… why our pack feels so… incomplete._

The entrance to their den creaked open, and one of their pack leaders stepped in. "Alright, girls! Who's ready to eat!?"

Forgetting their worries for the moment, all three of them exclaimed, _DINNER!_ and rushed to the feet of their pack leader.

…

"Do you ever feel like something's missing from our home?" the young female pack leader asked her superior.

"Not really…" The pack overleader answered.

"Then what's the point of the upstairs guest room? All it's ever used for is as our uncle's fallout shelter when something goes to shit with the women he picks up. Yet, it's set up like somebody lives there full-time."

"You're just over-thinking things." She crawled to the foot of the pack-leader's nest. The overleader looked down. "What is it, girl?"

_What's wrong with our pack? Why does it feel incomplete?_

To them, of course, her words were little more than agitated barks. Huffing, the overleader turned to the lesser pack mistress. "Lyn, go check outside. I think one of the other two got over the electrical field. That, or that German Shepherd down the street is out of its cage again."

The lesser mistress's gaze moved up and to the right in an arc. (A/N: she's rolling her eyes.) She left the chamber. The overleader turned back to her. "Calm down. He's just another dog. He won't hurt you as long as you don't provoke him."

She growled in frustration. Why couldn't they ever understand her?

…

Tired, she climbed up the sharp, staggered incline, and hopped up onto one of the beds oft-used by the pack leaders. She was being allowed to sleep where she wished, so she chose her favored perching spot: a nest unused by pack leaders for the majority of the time.

Her eyes closed and she rolled on her back. Her body was asleep, but her thoughts were livelier than ever. She _knew_ something was wrong—even the pack leaders admitted to a feeling of something missing—but she couldn't understand _what_ was wrong.

Suddenly, a loud tearing sound pierced the silence of the night, startling her. She rolled over onto her belly and stood up. Spinning in circles, she scanned the room until she located the source of the disturbance.

"_Sono mijimena Sanae... Kanojo wa kanojo ga sudeni on'nanoko kara itadaite iru gēmu ni manzoku shite inai nodesu ka?"_ _(That wretched Sanae... is she not content with the games she's already gotten from the girl?)_

Before her, stooping in front of the vision-screen present in several chambers of her pack's den, was a strange, leader-caste figure. She had long fur that ran down her back, her body covered with a very long coat, and a sharper face than She was used to. Instantly, her territorial instincts took over. _Who are you? Why are you trespassing in my pack's den!?_

The leader-caste turned to face her, head cocked. "My, my. What are you up to, little one? 

_You act like I know you. You are not of my pack._ She bared her fangs. _You can only be here to hurt my pack. I won't let you!_

"Such a fiery spirit you have. And yet, you act like such a lapdog in Luke's hands."

_Luke…?_

The stranger bared her own fangs. "I guess it's a good thing I spirited him away. He was holding you back, preventing you from being anything more than his pet. He didn't even pay that much attention to you, so absorbed in his virtual world as you lay at his shoulder."

Images, feelings, unknown yet so… _familiar_. Finally, something clicked in her mind. Memories buried in the deepest corners of her mind burst forth, unbidden by the seal on her spirit. _MASTER! _MY_ MASTER!_

The stranger blinked. "Oh, dear. This is unexpected…"

Her growl intensified. _Who are you!? WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY MASTER!?_

"To have her glamour broken by a _dog_… Keine is going to be so embarrassed when she hears about this." The stranger ignored her.

_DON'T IGNORE ME!_ Finally, she lunged. Her teeth found purchase in the stranger's forelimb, causing her to dangle in the air. No matter how hard she clamped down, though, she couldn't break the skin, to her utter confusion.

"Tch… annoying." With two fingers, the stranger pried her jaws open, letting her drop to the ground.

_Give me back my master!_ She hissed. Lunging once more, she latched onto the stranger's ankle. Sighing, the stranger jerked her leg, dislodging her. Undeterred, she lunged a third time, latching onto the other ankle.

"You're not going to give up on this, are you?" The stranger looked down at her. "…Judging from how your grip on me has tightened, I'm guessing that's a no."

A pause. "Fine. If you want to see your _master _so badly, I'll just take you to him." The stranger picked her up, effortlessly prying her from her skin, and held her up in front of her face. Examining her.

"This is no good. If you're going to insist on chasing your master, some… adjustments must be made." A ripple in the air, and a tear in the fabric of reality opened up in front of her. "Brace yourself. This will be… uncomfortable at best." A flick of her wrist, and the stranger tossed her into the gap.

Pain. Unbelievable pain. Then, darkness.

XXXXX

Momiji Inubashiri had been having a wonderful day patrolling the fields surrounding her city. She'd gotten first access on the warm water for showers in the morning, gotten her sizable weekly salary, and the weather was sunny and mild, just the way she liked it.

But then Yukari Yakumo came and ruined everything, as was her style.

She was reputed as having the sharpest senses of any wolf tengu—helpful in her rise to the rank of guard Captain—and yet Momiji still couldn't react fast enough to move out of the way when something large and heavy landed on top of her.

"Sorry if I got the… 'drop' on you, Miss Wolf Tengu." Yukari chuckled. "I was afraid I wouldn't be able to find somebody upon which I could offload this burden. She was _so_ persistent on following me into Gensokyo."

The gap youkai had absolutely no redeeming qualities in the eyes of the wolf tengu: she held no respect for authority, she acted on a whim, and she saw everything as a game. If she wasn't liable to die instantly for attempting it, Momiji would get up and tear Yukari in two.

Momiji heard the thing on top of her moan, and realized it was a small girl. "Didn't you bring in an outsider here a few days ago!? What, did they die already?"

"Did I? …Damn, Aya's getting better at snooping around." Yukari shrugged. "No, the outsider isn't dead, but this little one here," she pointed to the girl, "circumvented a memory-block I had put on the outsider's family. Normally I would have simply reapplied the block, but she was a… special case."

"What made this girl special?" Momiji asked inquisitively.

"Oh, she was a dog."

"What!?" Momiji squirmed out from under the girl and turned around. Ignoring the fact the girl, who looked to be between sixteen to eighteen years of age, was naked, she had multiple distinguishing features. Among them were large, floppy ears that hung from the top of her head and a long, thin tail. Both features were coated in long, straight fur ranging between red, brown, black, and every mixture of the three.

This presented Momiji with a very unsettling implication concerning the 'dog's' form. The transformation must have been agonizing. She turned back to Yukari, but she was gone, vanished without a trace. Not even so much as a good-bye. The nerve of that woman… _We wolf tengu have a word for people like her: BITCH._

Behind her, the girl… dog… tengu? Whatever Momiji was supposed to call her, she started groaning. Just as she turned towards her, she woke up fully. She got on her hands and feet and spun in circles, taking in her new surroundings in her utter confusion. Finally, she locked eyes with the only other being present. With no way of knowing what this person intended for her, she fell back on instinct, slowly crawling forward and growling.

Momiji snarled in return, exposing her enlarged, razor-sharp canines. The message was clear: _I am not to be trifled with. Heed my will, and you will not come to harm._ The girl appeared confused momentarily, but then dropped and whimpered, submitting to her new alpha.

_Alright. Think, Momi, think. What do you do when the gap youkai drops a dog-girl on you…?_ Momiji pinched the bridge of her nose as an option presented itself in her head._ Ugh. I can't believe I'm about to do this. _Sighing, she brought two fingers to her mouth and whistled sharply. A few seconds later, a crow tengu appeared. "I need you to send a message to Aya Shameimaru. Tell her that somebody associated with Gensokyo's latest outsider has been brought to the tengu village by Yukari Yakumo. I need this news in the headlines."

The tengu's expression soured. "Don't give me that look. I'm not telling you to actually _talk_ to her, just relay a message from me." She pulled the tengu's hand out and dropped a handful of coins into it. "Look, here's something to tide you over until your next pay. Just do me this one favor, alright?" She'd be sore for cash this week, but something needed to be done.

Finally, the tengu nodded and flew away. Nodding to herself, Momiji turned back to the girl. She eyed the wolf tengu warily for several seconds before barking.

"I'm sorry, I can't understand you," Momiji said to the girl. She tilted her head and barked again. "Do you have a name? Can you tell me your name?" Bark. "Your relationship with the outsider?" Bark.

_I'm not going to get anywhere like this. If I recall, one of the village elders should still be able to comprehend our bestial tongue… I just hope to Tenma the canid dialect hasn't changed beyond understanding over the centuries_.

Momiji noticed the girl had shakily risen to her legs. She held her arms up in front of her chest—a begging gesture?—and whimpered. "What is it? Is there something you want?"

Not changing her pose, the girl flapped her hands. "Do you want clothes? You must be cold…" The girl continued to flap her hands. "Okay, that's not it… are you hungry? Do you want…" She wracked her brain for the proper English word, since the outsider was supposedly from the western world. "…is it _food_?"

At the word _food_, the girl's ears twitched, and she leaned forward. Suddenly, she squeaked and dropped to the ground. Momiji rushed to her side, worried. It was then that she discovered something: the girl's right leg was crooked, bending at an improper outward angle at the knee. How she'd managed to stand up to beg to even begin with baffled the wolf tengu.

"Oh, good, you're here." Momiji lifted the girl and dropped her in Aya's arms. "She's got a bad leg and can't walk. I need you to carry her for me."

"What? Whoa, wait a minute—" Aya started. The girl in her arms cut her off, yipping and flailing. Aya yelped as the girl attempted to bite her, dodging her jaws several times before giving up and releasing her. "_You_ found her, it's only logical that _you_ take her to the village."

"Hey, these aren't exactly lightweight, you know." Momiji picked up her enormous scimitar, well over a meter and a half in length, and cast-iron maple shield. "Now, I'll meet up with you at the village, and we'll take her to the wolf tengu elders. Maybe they can make sense of her barking. You can interview her as much as you want after we can decipher her words… with my supervision, of course."

"That girl… right before she flipped out, she seemed to be smelling me." Aya huffed, sniffing herself. "Do I smell bad? I mean, yeah, there's that avian musk that all crow tengu have, but is it really so abhorrent to outsiders?"

"She was a dog only a short time ago. She's probably still clinging to her instincts—in this case, freaking out near a stranger…"

"She doesn't seem to be so scared of you—" The girl crawled towards Momiji. Taking a cautious sniff of her clothing, she looked at the wolf tengu hesitantly, before finally relenting and pressing up against her leg, shivering.

Momiji looked down at the girl. "…Or a bird. Leaning more towards the 'bird' option."

"Racist," Aya pouted.

"Can't be racist if you're the same species… oh, wait, they do that in the outside world, too. I… er… Huh." Momiji scratched one of her pointed ears awkwardly. "Well, that witty retort backfired rather quickly."

"For the record, we're still two different _subspecies_, and… well, isn't that cute." The girl was suddenly staring at her hands with wide eyes, wiggling her fingers. Amazed, she reached out and pinching the fabric of Momiji's leggings. "It looks like she's discovered her opposable digits. Before you know it she's going to start grabbing at everything within her reach."

"Just like a baby… alright, Aya, seeing as she doesn't like you, if you take my sword and shield to the barracks for me, I'll handle the girl. Deal?"

"Ayaya, deal." Momiji tossed her gear to the crow, who caught it with agile hands and sped off without another word. Leaning down, she picked the girl up and slung her around to ride piggyback. "Let's go for a ride, little one."

XXXXX

Momiji's arrival in the tengu city, dog-girl in tow, caught many residents off-guard.

"What's Captain Inubashiri doing here? Isn't she supposed to be on duty?"

"Who's that girl on her back? Why is she naked?"

"See those ears, that tail? She must be a tengu."

"Certainly not any kind of tengu I've seen before. Her fur isn't white…"

Ignoring the gossiping civilians, Momiji walked the girl to the elders' hut. Sure enough, Aya was already waiting there, tapping her foot impatiently. "They're waiting inside for you. They won't let me in, though. So much for a scoop."

"You don't leave that good of a first impression, Aya. You'll just have to write an article without twisting her words." Disregarding Aya's pouting, Momiji took the girl through the door. The hut's interior design was very minimalist.

At the back of the room, three old wolf tengu sat hunched over, engrossed in meditation. Upon Momiji's entrance, the elders looked up. "Captain." The middle elder greeted Momiji with a wheezy voice. "If you would be so kind as to explain your business with us during your guard hours…"

"Yukari Yakumo brought a canine from the outside world to Gensokyo. She was transformed into a sort of tengu during the process, and she's still speaking the feral tongue."

The elder took a single look at the girl on Momiji's back and showed no outward reaction. "Perhaps you can spare the little one some articles of clothing, Captain?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Sure thing." Momiji removed her vest, exposing the sarashi underneath, and pulled down her skirt. With both pieces of clothing in hand, she approached the girl. "Okay, hold still. I'm not going to hurt you…"

A few minutes of struggling later, and the girl was wearing Momiji's clothing. "I apologize for wasting your time, elders," Momiji said, "But if you could translate her words?"

"Yes, very well." The far-left elder barked sharply, catching the girl's attention. For several seconds the two traded a series of barks, howls, and growls. "…The canid language has changed somewhat from what we have known, but it is not beyond understanding. She says a mysterious figure infiltrated her home—the same one that took her master and suppressed her memories, she says—in the middle of the night. She tried to get answers out of her, but she was… dropped in a hole. There was nothing but pain for a time, and then she woke up and encountered you."

Momiji thought about it. "So… Yukari showed up in her home, she demanded the youkai to tell her where the outsider was, and when she didn't let it go, Yukari transformed her and brought her here—"

"_Correct." _Suddenly, a ripping noise signaled the emergence of a gap, causing everybody to turn towards it. As they waited for something to emerge from the gap, Yukari calmly walked into the hut through the front door. "Ahem. Over here?"

Momiji whipped around. "What the…? But the gap…? Huh?"

"Good. Exactly the reaction I was going for." Yukari chuckled.

The elders would have none of it. "State your business in our village or begone, border youkai."

"Is that any way to treat somebody who offers you a helping hand?" Yukari pouted. "Your cruelty hurts my feelings."

"Drop the farce, and explain yourself, witch."

Instantly, Yukari's expression hardened. "So be it. I'm here in regards to the girl."

Momiji looked to the girl. She was cowering at her feet at the sight of Yukari. "You will not touch her," Momiji growled. "She may be a stranger, but she is in the care of the tengu."

"Oh? Then tell me this, pup: how do you expect to care for her if you require an old fool to even understand her words?"

The wolf tengu flinched at being called a pup. "We'll manage somehow. Trial and error is always an option."

"But guessing can only get you so far. If you would allow me, I can erase her boundary of language, so that she may speak our words. That way, you could speak with her, she could speak with you… would that not make life easier for everyone involved?"

"How do we know that you speak the truth, Yakumo?" One of the elders asked. "How would we know if you planted the seeds of fear, and hatred, and chaos in her heart?"

"Why don't you ask the girl yourself?" Yukari snapped her fingers. Suddenly, the girl twitched and clawed at her scalp, yelping in pain.

"Aauuu… oww… it hurts…" The girl froze, shocked by the words that had left her mouth. "…What? What am I…? What's happening?"

"See? Nothing to it." Yukari waved her hands in a grand gesture. "And with that, my work here is done." With a flourish, she turned and walked out of the hut. Behind her, held open this entire time, the gap snapped shut and vanished.

"What a bitch… is there really no way to keep her from coming and going as she pleases?" Momiji asked the elders.

"We've been searching for an answer to that question for centuries, and we have yet to find one, young Inubashiri."

"With all due respect, elders? I'm in my mid-40's. 'Young' is not the first term I would use to describe me."

"So it is not. But that is not important." The wolf elder looked down at the girl. "Are you okay?"

"Confused, scared, cold… where am I? Why is this happening to me? My pack…"

"Your pack is a world detached from ours, little one. You belong to Gensokyo now."

"But my master. That… _monster_ took my master! I have to find him!"

"If the words of the crow tengu ring true, your master is also here. We can send word to the rest of the land in the hopes that the two of you may be reunited. Until that day, however, you are permitted to remain here, to take however much time you need to find yourself again."

"I can't! I have to find my master _now_!" the girl attempted to stand up, but fell back to the floor with a whimper, holding her malformed leg close to her body.

The elders collectively sighed. The elder on the right spoke. "Heed our words, little one. You were raised by your master, is that correct?"

The girl craned her neck towards the elders. "…yes."

"And you lived your life in your master's loving embrace, free of danger?"

"yes."

"Then Gensokyo will kill you. Everywhere you travel in this land, there will be monsters out for your blood. You don't know how to don armor, to wield the tools of war, to dress wounds, to even feed yourself. Our permitting you to reside here in our city is only because you are a victim of circumstance."

"But… I…"

"Word travels fast in this land; it is only a matter of time before you are found by your master. Eventually, he will come to you. You must be patient, allow the tengu to protect you."

"In return for what? This… this body is not familiar. I can't do anything with it."

"That is not entirely true. We can teach you to fend for yourself, to contribute to your pack. To be… for lack of a better word, _human_. Would you wish to be able to help others? Or would you rather be a burden?"

The girl shook her head. "No. I'll do it. I want to be able to help my master, to make him proud."

"A wise decision, little one." The middle elder responded with an approving tone. "Now, can you tell us your name? It wouldn't do just to call you 'girl' or 'little one' without end."

"My name… My name is Rozie."

XXXXX

A/N: If the tengu as portrayed here appear eccentric, blame my idea of pack mentality. Everybody is expected to support their pack-mates when told to do so. Even if it means giving up their clothes on the spot.

Anyway, since I've gone without posting a chapter for so long, I'm making a double-post. Forgive me if things are somewhat rough around the edges as a result.


	14. Hunting for Sanctuary

"Evicted? What do you mean, you've been evicted?"

My hair had grown out quite nicely during my stay at Eientei… and at this moment I was on the verge of ripping out entire chunks in my rage. "Those petty mountain gods can't have other attractive women drawing attention away from them."

"What? I can't believe that!" Kaguya said. "I knew those goddesses were a little insane, but that's just wrong!"

My next cry was interrupted by sudden, erratic beeping. I pulled out my phone and brought it to my ear. "I swear to God, if this is Yukari calling to rub things in, I'm going to murder her… WHAT?"

As it turned out, it wasn't Yukari. _"Who is this? Where's Luke?"_

I blinked, my anger becoming surprise. "Patchouli?"

"_Yes… again, who is this?"_

I explained everything to Patchouli in a New York minute. _"My god, your life sucks… Though it IS nice that you know Japanese now."_

"'Sucks' is a god-tier understatement at this point. Anyway, why are you calling?"

"_Our agreement, remember? In exchange for ores, I crafted weapons for you. I was calling to tell you I've drawn up the blueprints. If you want, you can return to the Scarlet Devil Mansion to appraise them."_

"Oh, yeah. But, why call me now? I thought you would call when you actually _forged_ the weapons."

"_The flower youkai's intrusion led to some setbacks, as you might suspect. I've had to divide my attention between rebuilding Voile, my own research, and this little project."_ A cough on the other side of the line. _"Well? Would you like to see what I'm crafting before I start work?"_

"Sure. I'll try to stop by when I can. See you then." I hung up.

"So… out of the frying pan?" Kaguya asked.

"And into the fire." I agreed. "I need some time to work things out."

Kaguya shifted in her seat. "Well, you told that girl you'd stop by, right?" I nodded. "Well, perhaps you can search for somebody else to take you in while you're out there."

"How do we know somebody will be willing to accept me?"

"There's only one way to find out, isn't there?"

"…Point taken." I sighed. "…Do you know how to use Eirin's teleport grid?"

Kaguya thought for a moment. "I'm sure she has some navigation charts somewhere. You want to go straight to Patchouli?"

I nodded. "It wouldn't hurt to ask, would it?"

"Of course not. It saves me the trouble of contacting Mokou to escort you out of the bamboo forest. It can be incredibly difficult to navigate the forest, and that's without considering the sheer volume of Tewi's traps lying around, waiting to be tripped."

"Alright. Lead the way." We stood up from the kotatsu and walked away.

XXXXX

_Weird. I thought Eirin used doors to teleport._ Kaguya and I made a quick trip to Eirin's lab, where Kaguya unlocked a door I hadn't noticed before. In the small room beyond, a simple black mat around twenty square feet in size served as the pedestal for a simple terminal.

"Okay, let's see if I still remember the code…" Kaguya walked to the terminal and started punching in various keys. "The charts should be over to your left. Go ahead and find your target; it's going to take me a little while to—" An extremely loud buzz drowned out Kaguya's last word. "...scratch that, a _long_ while."

Grunting in amusement, I stepped over to the table to the side, where a handful of rolled-up charts awaited me. _Quite a selection here. Japan, the U.S…. damn, she has a chart for the Lunar Capital!_ Finally, I found a roll labeled _Gensokyo_.

I picked it up and flattened the chart out on the table, tuning out Kaguya's infuriated cries. It was more complex than I was expecting: it was designed like a mathematical coordinate grid, with Eientei at point zero; the x-axis counted up into the hundreds, the y-axis used letters instead of numbers, there was even an indication of a _Z-axis_ on the chart…

…other than that, the chart was blank. "Er, a little help here?" I asked.

"There's a button on the underside of the table. Hit it." Kaguya didn't even turn away from the terminal. I did as she said, and a beam of light passed over the chart. After a few seconds, it constructed a three-dimensional model of Gensokyo. "Now you can zoom in and out wherever you want, and pick out exactly where you want to be teleported."

"…Wow, this is complicated." I spotted a handful of familiar-looking landmarks, but just to be sure I pulled out the map Reimu gave me. I stuck my hands into the model and spread my fingers, and the chart expanded and focused on location of my hands. Removing one hand, I dragged the other through the hologram, and the map was dragged to follow. "Nice…"

After a few minutes of fiddling with the hologram, a light beep sounded behind me. "FUCKING FINALLY!" Kaguya cried triumphantly. She turned around to face me. "Okay, you found your target?"

"I've narrowed it down to the Scarlet Devil Mansion. Now, it's time to get technical." If I landed inside the mansion grounds, I could be pegged as an intruder by Meiling or Sakuya. I could jump straight into the mansion itself to excuse myself to Remilia, but Remi was more than likely to act reflexively and kill me on the spot. I had an inkling of Voile's location in the mansion, but it was housed in a magic-based Dyson Bubble, so there were a slew of things that could go wrong with that.

"Apparently, the safest option for me is to simply appear outside the gate," I admitted.

"Good enough. Call out the coordinates for me, please."

I poked at the space just in front of the SDM's gate, and a box popped up. "X negative 173, Y positive F6, Z negative two," I read.

A few seconds later, and the terminal glowed a light green. "Okay, the teleport grid has confirmed the coordinates to be safe." Kaguya stepped away. "Just step onto the black mat and hit the big button. You'll experience some light-headedness in the transition, but that'll subside shortly after."

"Well… I guess I'll be seeing you around. It's been fun. I'll miss this place…" My voice drifted off.

A hand came to rest on my shoulder. "Remember, Lucy," Kaguya said. "You've always got friends here. Don't hesitate to come to us for help if you need it."

"I'll keep it in mind. Thanks for everything." I turned to the terminal and hit the button. A flash of light enveloped me, and I was gone.

XXXXX

As the light faded, I dropped an inch from the air and stumbled on the ground. My ears were ringing, and I was seeing spots, but I could see the gate of the Scarlet Devil mansion just ahead.

Then it hit me: I was absolutely _freezing_.

Every inch of my skin burned as the winter air bit into it, piercing the thin fabric of my clothing. As soon as it appeared, though, the burning was gone, replaced by bone-chilling numbness. Shivering violently, I dropped to the ground and rolled into a ball, turning my back to the sun in a vain attempt to gain warmth from the sunlight.

I didn't understand. I'd lived for years in the northern regions of the U.S., building a natural resistance to cold. I could function for hours on end in mid-to-low 50s with little more than a shirt and jeans, like what I was wearing now. It couldn't be much lower than that at the moment, yet it felt like I was buried in snow completely naked.

_Cold… so damn cold…_ was all I could think before blacking out.

XXXXX

You know how people can sometimes sleep through Armageddon without so much as a twitch, yet fly wide awake at the sound of a pin dropping? Hong Meiling is one of those people.

The lightest rustle reaching her ears, the gate guard stirred. Meiling willed her eyes open to examine her surroundings for whatever had woken her up. _Oh, it's a girl. Looks like she's suffering from hyper… hypo… hi… er, she's freezing. _Two seconds later, the logical part of Meiling's mind kicked in. _A girl! Freezing!_

In her haste, Meiling pushed herself off the wall with such force that she landed on her face. She quickly got back up and rushed to the girl's side. Her breathing was shallow, and her blue-tinged skin was cold to the touch. Meiling picked up the shivering ball of flesh and held her close, letting her higher body temperature warm the girl up slightly.

"Meiling, what's happening? I felt a shift in the air when you moved…" Sakuya stopped when she spotted the girl in Meiling's arms. "You. Girl. Explain. Now."

"I don't know. I just woke up, and she was on the ground in front of me." Meiling pulled the girl closer. "She's unconscious, and in desperate need of warmth."

The girl started to slip from Meiling's grasp. As she shifted to reaffirm her grip, something fell from the girl's pocket. Sakuya recognized the trinket immediately, snatching it up from the ground. "Hey, what's that?" Meiling asked.

Sakuya was silent for a moment. "Something beyond your pay grade," She finally answered. "Take the girl to Patchouli. Immediately."

As the guard rushed off into the mansion, Sakuya glanced down at the Hakkero in her hand. A brief click of her stopwatch, and the device returned to the girl's pocket. She didn't know who this girl was, but she could make a pretty good guess. Question was, if she was correct… what the hell had happened to the boy?

XXXXX

The first thing I noticed upon waking up was the lightly-sweet aroma of tea in the air. Opening my eyes, I found myself on a couch in the middle of Voile. In front of me, a magical fire floated in the air, warm on my skin. Shifting around, I discovered I'd been wrapped in a soft, red-velvet blanket. Off to the left, I finally spotted Patchouli standing, watching over me, holding a steaming cup of tea. _That must have be what I'm smelling…_

"Hello…" I greeted Patchouli weakly.

"You _do_ know it's winter, right?" Patchouli sat on a chair beside me. "It's not wise to be walking around with clothes like that." She held the cup of tea up to me.

"N-n-not like I ha-had much of a ch-choice…" I stammered. "These are th-the only clothes I have." I weakly pushed the steaming mug out of my face. "No, no tea."

Patchouli shoved the mug into my face again. "Yes, tea. You need to warm yourself up again. I don't understand how, but your body temp dropped roughly four degrees Celsius. That's beyond the trigger for _hypothermia_, and the cold outside isn't _that_ severe, maybe twelve degrees." I stared blankly at the sorceress. "53.6 Fahrenheit. Your core temp fell from 98.6 to around 91.4. Seriously, you don't use metric?"

I reluctantly accepted the tea, freeing my hands from the blanket to hold the mug, and sipped it. It tasted fairly sweet with just a little bit of kick, and I immediately started feeling better. When I spoke again the stuttering was gone. "I'm from the _United States_. We still use the Imperial measurement system. The Metric system's there, yes, but grams and meters take a backseat to ounces and inches."

"Well, the fact of the matter is that your body got cold unnaturally fast." Patchouli summarized. "You're lucky Meiling woke up and found you."

"I don't get it. I've lived with the cold all my life…" I said. "Why would that change now?"

"You also lived as a boy all your life. Just because _you're_ used to cold doesn't mean your new _body_ is, and you don't really have any fat to insulate you anyway…" She glanced at my chest. "…at least, not in places where it can be of use. After spending so long in a warm, humid forest, your body must have gone into shock from the cold, dry air and stopped telling itself to regulate temperature."

"…Huh. I guess that makes sense." I wiggled my arms out of the blanket wrapped around me and brought out my phone. "Mind if I have a minute to myself?" Patchouli nodded, and I hit the dial.

After two rings, Eirin picked up. _"Yes?"_

"It's Lucy. I took one step out of Eientei and my body went into shock from the cold."

"_Is that so?"_ Eirin's voice carried a bored tone.

"I just want to know, are you more comfortable when you're warm, or when you're cold."

"_Oh. THAT's what you're calling about. Yeah… problem is, we Lunarians can't handle rapid changes in temperature. I mean, our early society sat in the few pockets of our tidally-locked moon that were always in shadows. Leaving those pockets without an environmental suit would boil us from the inside, so we stayed. Over time, most of us became averse to high/low temperatures in general."_

"So, you're telling me your people were too cowardly to step out of the shadows?"

"_No. Some of us eventually adapted enough to get out into the open and make the entire moon surface habitable full-time, but then, I'm from the original generation, so no adaptation for me. My genes may be outdated in that regard, but they're still _far_ better than a normal human's."_

"The next time we meet, Yakogoro, you and me are going to have a long, detailed chat on the subject of doctor-patient confidentiality," I swore in English.

"_I'm counting on it~"_ Eirin hung up.

"Well?" Patchouli sat next to me.

"It's genetic. Early Lunarians apparently couldn't handle rapid shifts in climate, and Eirin is _very_ old."

"Ah. Makes sense."

Suddenly, a girl with burgundy hair and two pairs of wings dropped down from the air, carrying an armful of books. Patchouli took one look at the books and grimaced. "I said I wanted the alchemy tomes from _J Wing_, not _K_ _Wing_." With a wave of her hand, the girl was pushed back by a gust of wind. "Take those books back. If you mess up again, you won't be getting dinner this evening, and you'll be working double shifts for the next three days."

"You're so cold, master…" Koakuma whined.

"I don't see 'complaining' in your job description, Koa. Get moving."

I coughed to get Patchouli's attention. "Don't you feel you're treating your underling a little cruelly?"

"It's called establishing dominance," Patchouli argued. "If I don't exert my authority over her on a regular basis, she'll get lazy. Start making mistakes. Perhaps even defy orders."

"Could you at least loosen up? She's not an animal; a demon, maybe, but certainly not an animal." I pulled myself all the way out of the blanket and stretched out, checking to make sure I still had feeling in my extremities… _okay, no permanent damage. Thank god for that._ "That's better. Now… you said something about blueprints in your call?"

…

"A combat shotgun."

"That's what the references said it was called, yes."

"A fully-automatic, hand-loading combat shotgun, with no stock."

"Yes."

"Are you TRYING to get me maimed!?" I cried. "Don't get me wrong, I've always loved me a Benelli M4 Super 90, but this gun's maximum effective range as-is puts me at a stone's throw from an enemy. The closer I get, the less time I'd have to react to a barrage of danmaku."

A few seconds later, I noticed something else. "Wait, there's only one blueprint here. What happened to the sword you'd suggested for close quarters?"

"I was somewhat caught up in the moment when I was evaluating you. After I had some time to clear my head, I realized one very important fact: swords are nigh-useless in Gensokyo. It would take a miracle for you to be able to close the gap to even use the sword, and even then your human reflexes are no match for a youkai. If you're very fast or nimble, like that half-phantom girl from the netherworld, or a tengu, you can get away with it. You, though… you're too slow. It's why I chose a shotgun as your firearm; you have a better chance at hitting something up close."

"Hey, I need to have _some_ sort of bladed weapon. I can't be a respectable Touhou self-insert without one." I felt Yukari's glare burning into the back of my skull, but I ignored it. "Tell you what: I have some experience with sketching and design. Give me some materials and a few hours to concentrate, and I'll find a way to make it work."

"I'll see what I can do," Patchouli stated. "See, _this_ is why I asked you to come; I supply the framework for a tool, and you mold it to your liking. Now, what do you want to do about the shotgun?"

"I say, scrap the M4 entirely. It just doesn't have the range I need."

"Well, what do you suggest?"

I grabbed a nearby gun catalog, scattered among all the reference materials, and flipped through the pages rapidly. Finding my weapon of choice, I dropped the catalog on the table, finger on the gun. "The Remington 870 Modular Combat Shotgun. High stopping power, holds twice the shells of the M4 in its internal magazine, improved range and highly customizable."

Patchouli picked the catalog up and examined it. "But it's pump-action. I chose the M4 because it can keep firing without a rechamber after every shot."

"Firing rate is irrelevant if I deplete my ammunition faster than I can load it. Rate and volume of fire may be important in conventional danmaku, but I prefer to hit harder and further."

"So, it's reliability over constancy?"

I blinked. "I'd argue that those two words are practically synonyms, but being a bookworm you could probably give me twenty counter-arguments."

Patchouli chuckled. "Alright, I admit, a poor choice of words on my part. Versatility over sheer firepower, instead?"

"Better." I smirked.

"M870 it is, then." Patchouli snapped her fingers. "A word of note, though. I don't have a reliable source of plastic or fiberglass, which compose a fair portion of the weapon. I'd say it would weigh about six kilograms, at the least."

My mind persisted for practical solutions. "Kappa? Surely, they're advanced enough to make synthetic building materials."

"I believe they have a workshop set up in the village, but they are _incredibly_ invasive. They will demand to know every little thing about what you are building, and the last thing I want is for them to get any ideas for lethal weaponry."

"…I guess you'd have a fair point."

"That's not the only problem we face regarding the use of plastic. Next to crystal, metal is one of the most effective mediums for conducting magic. I planned to plant crystals into the metal frame of the weapon to enable it to fire magic bolts similar to standard danmaku bullets." I stared at Patchouli, eyebrows raised. "90% of all conflicts in Gensokyo are resolved through danmaku. If you expect to get through all of your fights using lethal force, you're going to make a _lot_ of enemies in very short order. Getting back to the topic at hand, synthetic materials are extremely poor magic conductors, in the rare case that they can even conduct magic at all. If you want to be able to use this weapon to defend yourself, the added weight looks to be a necessary tradeoff."

"…Well, if that's the case, that doesn't seem like much of a roadblock, honestly. Why not just put the crystals in the ammo shells?"

"Well, actually… Wait." Patchouli suddenly blinked. "That… that's _brilliant._ Why didn't I think of it before!? They can be re-used, allow more charges to be carried at one time… e-excuse me." She grabbed a notepad and flew off, leaving me alone in the middle of Voile.

A couple of minutes passed, and Patchouli still hadn't returned. I took it as an opportunity to do my own thing. _I guess I'll make some calls, see if anybody will offer me a safe haven. It's probably a little impersonal, calling like this, but it protects me from harm._

Opening my phone contacts, I checked all the people with ties to each I had the list up, I proceeded to methodically strike off undesirables or dangerous individuals:

Right off the bat, I struck Eientei and the Moriya Shrine off the list. For one group, I was effectively locked out due to my gender; for the other, my presence would actually harm them instead of them potentially harming me.

Alice Margatroid lived rather close to Marisa Kirisame, so she was out of the question. While I had a new identity, there was the risk of somebody (like Patchouli) being pressed into exposing me, leading to Marisa tracking me down and taking revenge for humiliating her. In a similar strain, I removed Rinnosuke Morichika from the list.

Yuyuko was friendly towards me when we met the other day, so she could potentially be a benevolent hostess. However, even ignoring the fact that she lived in the _netherworld_, there were several problems. One, she isn't just a bubbly ghost girl; she's friends with _Yukari_. That alone speaks volumes for her true intelligence. Second, she's a hardcore omnivore, and I didn't want to find out if I was on the menu, neither literally nor sexually. Third, she has the power to literally wish me dead. There were simply too many risks.

The Underground city seemed like an attractive choice in theory—a strong, close-knit population of Oni what wasn't extremely high-strung, a benevolent satori, and working power—but in practice, there were two total wildcard variables, Utsuho Reiuji and Koishi Komeji. Utsuho could possibly be friendly, but she's too much of an airhead to be considered safe, with her nuclear powers. Koishi… Koishi was completely unpredictable, incapable of conscious thought, with her brain really only good for retaining memories and keeping her physical form alive.

I was sitting in the SDM at the moment, so I could just ask Remilia in person if need be, but that was an absolute last resort. She's simply too whimsical to be trusted.

This went on until only a handful of people remained who could be safe: Reimu, Keine, and Byakuren Hijiri at the Myouren Temple. First off, I decided to try the most reasonable choice. Nodding to myself, I made the call.

Keine picked up almost immediately. _"Lucy."_

"Yes, it's… wait, how do you know?"

"_Mokou told me. She went to go vent some anger on the Lunarians, and discovered that all of Eientei had been sealed in a magic bubble that was speeding the passage of time in the entire area."_

_...THAT'S IT! THAT'S how Kaguya did it! Her power makes so much more sense now… and yet, it opens up so many more questions._ "I needed time to adjust to my transformation. Kaguya was kind enough to give me that time."

"_Yes, Kaguya's always been soft-hearted. If only Mokou could accept her kindness…" _A cough on the other end of the line, and Keine continued. _"Anyway. Why are you calling?"_

"I left Eientei a few hours ago, and circumstances have left me without a place to stay. I'm calling around Gensokyo to see if anybody can take me in."

"_I see… well, I'm sorry, but you can't take residence in the village."_

I was silent for a moment. "The… village?"

"_Unfortunately, yes. Not just me, the entire village. This is nothing personal, I promise you. The problem is, humans fear outsiders. Fear the chaos and misfortune that is sure to follow them wherever they go. They will take one look at you, realize that you're not a native, and perceive you as a threat. The people of the village rely on me to protect them from youkai beyond the village in times of crisis; how can I protect them if they believe you'll destroy their home from within?"_

I sighed. "Yes, I understand. You just want the villagers to be safe… Alright, I'm sorry for disturbing you. I'll let you get back to your day."

"_Thank you. I wish you luck in the rest of your search, Lucy."_

The call ended. I leaned over the table, head propped with my free hand. Of course, I couldn't expect to luck out on my first try; reality just doesn't work that way. I also couldn't blame Keine for turning me away; she was simply acting in her people's best interests.

Eventually, I sat up straight again and checked my phone. "Okay… round two." I hit the contact for the Myouren Temple.

The person who answered the call spoke slowly and with care, giving the impression of somebody who chose their words to be as inoffensive as they could. _"This is Byakuren Hijiri. Who may I be speaking to?"_

"Hello. My name is Lucy. Yukari Yakumo brought me to Gensokyo from the outside world for reasons only she can fathom, and—"

"_Oh, yes! You're an outsider! I've been wanting so badly to meet one of you. Ever since I heard about you from Nazrin, I could barely contain my excitement at the prospect of having a chance to speak with you. But I could have sworn_ _she said the outsider was a boy…"_

I really didn't have the patience to go into the whole gender thing at the moment. "…let's just say things got weird, and leave it at that."

"_Okay . So, anyway, it's a pleasure to be able to speak with you. Seeing as you sought me out yourself, instead of the other way around, I assume you'd like to ask something of me…?"_

"I'm sort of in need of a place to stay. Would you be willing to allow the Myouren Temple to accommodate me?"

Byakuren paused. When she spoke again, she had a downbeat tone. _"…Ah. As much as I would _love_ to have you at the Myouren Temple, we have a couple of residents who tend to be… what was the term Yukari used… 'bad apples'? I think so. Anyway, there's a nue we have at the temple who is… distrustful of strangers, to put it mildly. She thinks everybody is out to harm her in one way or another, and it takes a combined effort of all of the other temple residents to keep her in check around visitors."_

"A paranoid shapeshifter!? You've got to be kidding me!"

"_I'm not kidding."_ A flat response._ "There is also the matter of my disciple. She's a good person at heart, but you cannot depend on her for more than menial tasks. She can quickly lose her train of thought, much like she 'misplaces' the temple's artifacts. Despite this, she tries so hard to lend a helping hand to others…"_ Another pause, then Byakuren's tone picked up again. _"Of course, if you'd be willing to accept these inconveniences, the Myouren Temple welcomes you!"_

_So… Youkai Jesus would be more than happy to take me in, but Nue and Shou (that's the only person I can think of who fits that scatter-brained definition) would be a major pain in my ass. I need to be able to keep a cool head; I can't do that with people like them around…_

"I appreciate your kindness and enthusiasm," I said finally, "But I think I'll search for lodging elsewhere. I'm under a lot of stress right now, and it would not help me in the long run to be harassed by other residents."

"_Oh… I see. Very well."_ Byakuren sounded disappointed. _"Well, since you went through the trouble of contacting me, you're free to come to the temple if you ever need to take time off your adventures for some short-term relaxation. Our doors are always open."_

"Thank you for your generosity. I'll be sure to stop by if I'm ever in the area…" I checked my small map. It was obviously outdated, as there was no sign of the temple. "Er, where exactly is the Myouren Temple?"

"_Oh, that's easy. Just head north out of the human village, towards Youkai Mountain, and take the first fork in the road you see. It should be a short distance to the east."_

Simple enough. "Thanks for the directions."

"_My pleasure. We hope to see you around!"_ Byakuren hung up.

Finally, I could drop the nice girl tone. Moaning in annoyance, I dropped my head on the table and sat there for a good minute. I had one girl left on my list: Reimu. The two of us would have a lot to talk about… I hit the dial.

Reimu took a lot longer to pick up than the others. When she did, she sounded fairly aggravated, and her voice was barely audible over what sounded like… a firefight? _"Whoever this is, I really, REALLY do not have time to talk right now!"_

"Uh, what's—"

An explosion echoed in the background. _"Oh, god dammit! That's it, you fairies are going down!"_

Uh-oh…

"_DREAM SIGN: FANTASY HEAVEN!"_ A loud whine, and the line went dead. I blinked several times, stunned. _...Well, somebody just plain f*cking lost._

A minute later, the phone rang. I answered it. "Bad time?"

"_One, yes. Two, who is this?"_

It took a while to explain everything. When I was done, Reimu was silent for several seconds. _"…Luke—I mean, Lucy… you officially have the _worst_ luck of any human being I've ever known."_

"Please don't remind me, Reimu. I only recently got over the genderbend thing."

Reimu chuckled. _"Alright. Well, I appreciate the update, even though your timing could have been better. Is there anything else you want to talk about?"_

"Actually, yes. Since I'm a girl, I pretty much was evicted from the Moriya shrine. And I couldn't stay at Eientei because they said that letting me live there would make them look bad. I made some calls, checked around to see who might accept me. Right now, the only two reasonable choices I haven't pursued yet are the Scarlets and you."

The response was instant. _"I can't."_

"…I'm sorry?"

"_I just can't let you stay at the Hakurei Shrine. Think, Lucy; what's one of my most widely accepted fanon interpretations?"_

"…You're poor?"

"_Yes. And they're right—I really AM poor. I can only _barely_ feed myself with what little money I receive from donations. Of course, I have a garden out behind my shrine for growing crops—corn, potatoes, wheat and rice, even an apple tree or two—but there's nothing to harvest in the middle of winter, so I'm being forced to ration what I've got stockpiled. I simply don't have enough food to permit a full-time residence. I can treat a tenant well for two, maybe three days at the very most before I risk myself suffering from malnutrition in the long run. You shouldn't have to suffer like I do."_

Silence. _"You still there?"_

"Yes. I… I understand. I suppose the only course of action left to me is to go to Remilia, beg for a room in the SDM… and pray that I'm not forced to repay the debt in my own blood."

"_Hey, you may have pissed off Yukari in your dreams, but surely you still have her protection. Remilia can't harm you directly as long as that protection persists."_

"I guess so. Well… thanks for taking the time to turn me down gently."

"_Good luck. I'm sorry I couldn't help you with this."_

"I know…" The phone went silent in my hands.

Shortly afterward, Patchouli returned carrying a small wooden chest. The blank notepad she'd left with was now covered with notes and scribbles. "I apologize for taking so long. I…" She noticed me, head on the table, face covered up by my forearms. "What's wrong?"

I glanced up. "I'm an exile."

"What?"

"Of all the groups of Gensokyo, half of them could kill me. The other half simply can't afford to help me. Remilia is… the only option I have left."

"And you're afraid of all the horrible things the Scarlets could do to you."

"…I guess, yeah."

"I see." Patchouli set her items down and took my forearm in a surprisingly strong grip. "Well, then, let's go talk with her."

"What? Wait wait wait…" I barely stumbled out of the chair.

I tugged my arm until it hurt, but Patchouli's grip on me didn't falter. "You need to face your fears head-on if you expect to get anywhere in life. I though you of all people would know that, Lucy, considering what you had happen to you."

"Yes, but there's only so far I'm willing to go before I have to acknowledge that something might get me killed."

"Well, sometimes you have to be stupid to get things done. So, you're going to Remilia, and you're going to ask her face-to-face for sanctuary." Eventually, I gave up trying to resist; sickly or not, she was still a youkai, and as such was much stronger than me.

Finally, we arrived in the antechamber of the SDM. Remilia Scarlet, as I would expect, set perched on her throne. She had one leg slung over the other, and her head was propped up with a hand on her pale cheek. "Remi," Patchouli addressed the vampire. "A moment of your attention?"

The small girl glanced at me. "Well, I see Sleeping Beauty's awake. Who IS she, anyway?"

"The same outsider who was here earlier this week." Patchouli raised a hand before Remilia could protest in confusion. "The Lunarian's medicine did it."

"…Okay. That makes sense." I was shocked by how quickly she accepted the explanation. "What do you want me to do about him/her?"

Patchouli cleared her throat. "Well, long story short, she needs a place to live, and nobody else will take her in."

"Oh… she wants a room here, is that it?" Remi grinned, baring her sharp, pearly-white fangs at me. "Well, I'm going to need some convincing. The last time you were here, you brought with you both the witch and the flower youkai, and my home was nearly destroyed in the chaos that followed."

"Well, she…" Patchouli started, but it was Remilia's turn to cut her off.

"No, Patchy. I want to hear this from the… _girl's_ own lips."

Suddenly, I couldn't find my voice. Remilia wasn't some sparkly vegan pussy—she was a true vampire. And not just any vampire, a vampire with the spirit of a violent, spoiled child. My life was in her hands, and she could break me—mentally, physically, and emotionally—at the drop of a hat. One wrong word, and I might as well be dead.

"Well? I'm waiting." Remilia stared at me. Her glance was unnerving, like that of a predator sizing up her next meal. It took all my willpower not to break down on the spot. I lowered my gaze to the floor.

Taking a deep breath, I spoke. "I… I may not have any sort of outstanding skill… but I'm a potential asset to you. If you accept me into your group… you'll have a person with Yukari's favor on your side. I'm protected from serious harm because I'm an outsider, and I can have great influence over others. By accepting me, you have an outsider who is indebted to you. I'll… I'll do anything for a place to live at this point."

The silence in the room was unnerving. Remilia pushed herself up and off her throne, stepping towards me. "You sure are offering yourself up on a silver platter to me. So, if I wanted to feed on your blood—keeping you alive, of course—you would offer your neck to me, no questions asked. Is that what you're saying?"

I couldn't control the shudder than ran through my body, but I persisted. "If that's what it would take… I guess."

A small hand took hold of my bangs and violently yanked upward, forcing me to look up to Remilia's feral, sharp-toothed grin. "I'm going to need more assurance than 'I guess,' girl. Would you allow me to feed off of you, or _not_?"

I flinched. "Y-yes!"

Finally, after a silence that felt like it lasted an eternity, Remilia let go of my hair. "…Very well. I feel like being generous today, so I'll grant your request."

I looked up. "Really?" Remilia's grin had softened, hiding her teeth, and she nodded ever-so-slightly. I bowed deeply. "Thank you, thank you… I promise to try my hardest not to be a burden to you."

Remilia held up a single finger. "…However, I have one condition for your stay."

"What is it?"

"Simple, really. In return for my kindness, you will work here as a maid."

…_Eeeh?_

XXXXX

A/N: Damn, my average chapter is starting to get longer and longer… Oh well, can't complain if it gets results.


	15. Bound to a Vampire

"A… maid?" I asked.

"Yes." Remilia stared at me.

"…What kind of work would I be doing, if I may ask?"

"What do you think? House chores, errands to the village, things like that. Nothing life-threatening, at least to begin with. In time, we can pin down your niche skills and set you to more important duties appropriately."

"But… why? Why make _me_ do work—work that, to be fair, I'm not trained for—when you have a staff of numerous, low-maintenance fairies who can do the job better?"

"It's a matter of worth," Remilia replied tiredly, as if it were common knowledge. "I need to know that anything I invest in you will benefit me somehow—what's the point in sacrificing time and resources if you're going as useful as a doormat?" I averted my eyes as Remilia glared at me. "By working as a maid, you can carry your own weight. Now, will you accept my conditions for your stay?"

_Well… there's no real alternative, is there? Besides, the only real dangers to the job would be anything involving Flandre, and the possibility of an invasion. _"Just to confirm, by working here, I would be protected?"

"You'll be safe from everything but what you bring upon yourself."

I took a deep breath and nodded. "In that case… alright. I'll work for you."

Remilia smiled. "Good. Now... on your knees, if you would."

"I'm sorry?"

"I'm going to mark you. Just a small exchange of blood, so others will know that you answer to me. It's standard procedure for my servants."

I flinched. I'd said I would let her bite me if absolutely necessary, but to have to live up to my word this quickly… "Will it be permanent? Just how much blood do I have to give?"

"The effects will last until I release you. Patchy says I should take just enough blood to 'prevent a spike in your blood pressure' when I give you my own… but I'm actually in the mood for a snack right about now." Remilia snickered. "Think of this as an advance payment for your stay here at my mansion."

"If it's my only option…" After several seconds of consideration, I quietly whimpered and tilted my head. "Just be quick about it."

Remilia grinned and stepped up to me. "Oh, don't worry. It's not going to hurt… much."

And then she bit me.

What started as an intense pinching sensation quickly escalated to incredible pain, as if somebody was jabbing a pen into my neck. As soon as it came, though, the pain was gone, replaced with a tingling numbness that rapidly spread across my entire body. My vision began to dim and sound became muffled. All I could feel was the tugging at my neck.

After what I think might have been a minute or so, the tugging stopped. I had no control over my body, but even if I did I wouldn't have had enough time to sigh in relief before a feeling like liquid ice shot down my spine. My heartbeat became increasingly erratic as the alien cold pulsed through my bloodstream. I'd stopped thinking consciously at this point, my body fully submitting to the bite of its own accord.

Finally, when my body was on the verge of collapse, I was released. The numbness faded, and my strength was gone. Suddenly exhausted, I couldn't stop myself from collapsing on the floor.

"…Thinking back to my first impression of you," Remilia said, licking her lips, "Your blood was much sweeter than I expected. Must be the moon-woman's medicine…" When I didn't respond, she glanced down at me. "Whoops. Must have gotten a little carried away with the feeding. I rarely get an opportunity to have fresh blood, and I'm so used to draining my victims dry…"

"You think?" Patchouli stepped over and gently pulled me to my feet. Once I was standing, she very slowly released me. I wavered dangerously, but I managed to stay upright. "Are you alright, Lucy?"

I raised a jittering hand to my neck. A wave of nausea shot through my body, eliminating what little control I had left over my legs. I couldn't even feel pain when I hit the ground. "…I... I don't feel so good," I said, weakly pushing myself up with my hands.

"That'll pass." Remilia brushed me off. "Now, here are my most basic rules: One, you are never to address me informally. You are to address me as Milady, Mistress Remilia, or Madame Scarlet at all times. Two, my word is _LAW._ You do as you are told, and if I call for you, you _will_ drop whatever you're doing and come to me. In my absence, you will answer to either Sakuya, or to Patchy here. Three…"

Remilia's words drifted off as the nausea hit a breaking point and I emptied the contents of my stomach on the floor in front of me. "…I will let that insulting display pass since you are new—the next time I won't be so lenient." At the snap of Remilia's fingers, two fairies came forward. They pressed against me, pushing me a short distance away from the vomit, and got to cleaning up the mess.

Remilia yawned, and blinked. "I suppose I did overdo it; I'm tired all of a sudden. Well, I'm off to my chambers for a nap. Sakuya and Patchouli will show you the ropes in my stead." With that, she lazily moved away. "Your first day begins tomorrow."

XXXXX

The girl drifted in and out of consciousness for several hours, utterly wrecked from her heavy blood loss. Whenever she was awake, she was extremely light-headed and very slow to respond to outside stimuli.

And as such, Sakuya was heaving an incredibly difficult time speaking to her. "You're the first human maid we've had at the Mansion since my own arrival years ago. Of course, there were many before me, but none of them had my gifts. Please, I would really like not to become the lone human in the mansion once more."

Lucy blinked. "…I, er… I-I'm sorry, could you… repeat that?"

Patchouli rested a gentle hand on Sakuya's shoulder upon spotting the maid's hands tightening into fists. "Let her be, Sakuya. I'd estimate Remilia drained about two pints of blood from her while she was marking her. Even if you can get her to focus on you, she's probably not coherent enough that she'll remember any of it later."

"Hey… wait…" Sakuya turned to the girl. She was pawing at her pockets meekly. "Medicine… wake me up…."

"Uh… okay." Sakuya moved forward and stuck her hands into the girl's pockets. She came out holding several bottles… one of them reading 'energy pills.' "Oh, this is what she meant."

She took out a pill. "If you can still hear me, Lucy, I need you to swallow this." The girl was just barely conscious enough to take the drug and put it in her mouth.

After a few minutes, the girl began to stir.

XXXXX

_Ugh. That medicine tastes awful…_ I shook my head to get rid of the buzzing in my ears and the stars in my vision. I was back on the couch I'd woken up on when I came here. Sakuya had pulled a chair up and was sitting in front of me. Patchy was at the table.

I slapped my cheek lightly, trying to get some feeling back in my face. "I should have thought of the supplements before."

"You probably couldn't." Patchy said. "You gave quite a bit of blood. I'd be careful, Lucy—it seems Remi's taken a liking to your blood."

I shuddered. "I don't think I can do that again."

Sakuya shrugged. "Look on the bright side. If you allow the Mistress to feed on you every now and again, she'll look after you, even if you're no good as a maid."

"…As much as I'd prefer not to resort to that, you make a good point. So… how long was I tripping?"

"A good six hours," Sakuya answered. "It's pretty close to nightfall."

"That's just great," I moaned. "How am I going to learn how to do my job and still get the sleep I need?"

"No worries. I can just stop time and—"

"NO!" I cried. When the other girls turned to me with a confused glance, I shrunk back a bit. "It's just, I just spent a long time in Eientei, around two months thanks to a time-dilation effect. I'd rather not get mixed up with the time-stream again if I can avoid it."

"…Okay," Sakuya said awkwardly. "In that case, I'll just give you a crash course. First order of business, you'll be learning the layout of this mansion."

"Yes, please. I hate feeling lost."

"Good." With that, Sakuya turned and paced away rapidly.

"What…? Wait! Slow down!" I shot to my feet, stumbling over the ground briefly, and excused myself to Patchouli before running after Sakuya.

"The mansion is quite large, so even if we hurry it will take time to cover everything. For now, just pay attention and keep up."

…

"…And that concludes my tour of the mansion. I trust you'll be able to make your way around without getting lost?"

I leaned against a wall behind Sakuya, sweating and panting from chasing after her for the past hour. "Why does the universe seem to have it out for me?" I groaned.

Sakuya turned back to me. "It's alright. Fate has simply dealt you a bad hand. My mistress controls the fate of all who enter her home; you are safe under her wing."

I was silent for a few seconds, pondering Sakuya's statement. "That's not very reassuring. Just what does it mean when you say she can 'control fate?' Does she have some sort of oracular sense that lets her alter the course of events? What's the difference between 'fate' and 'destiny?' Does Remilia even understand her power?"

"Technically, she… er…" Completely dumbfounded by my question, Sakuya's solid, elegant demeanor faltered for a brief moment. "Well, how do I put this into words…?"

I cut her off. "You can't. 'Fate' is simply too vague a concept for any one person to control, youkai or not. It would take literal divine intervention." Sakuya was silent for several minutes as she pondered my words. Meanwhile, I slid to the ground on the wall, gripping at the soft velvet carpet. It was leagues above the carpet my home had in terms of comfort; I could probably take a nap on the floor here, and not wake up with my skin irritated.

Finally, Sakuya spoke. "Don't tell anybody I said this, especially the Mistress… but I actually have to agree with you. There are just too many ways to define fate. It doesn't make sense to manipulate something so abstract." She gave me a look that I couldn't clearly define. "I'd be wary of using logic like that, if I were you. Not all youkai are intelligent; if they can't understand something, they'll destroy it."

"I'll take that as a complement. Thank you." I pushed myself up off the floor. "So, what's next?"

"The mansion's bathing facilities. You could certainly use a bath." Sakuya's answer came from way outta left field.

I checked and, sure enough, I smelled horrible. "No argument there, I guess."

"Good." Sakuya guided me to a simple door at the end of the hall. "I'll give you some time to yourself. You could afford to loosen up that posture of yours."

…

Fifteen minutes of furious scrubbing and rinsing later, I was squeaky-clean. The water was somewhat lukewarm; colder than I was used to, but after all the shit I'd been through up until that point, being able to just have time to myself to relax was a godsend.

I stepped into the large tub in the middle of the room, letting the water come up to my neck. "Rather deep…" I said to myself. I waded through the water towards the far end of the tub, and slumped over the side, content to stare at the wall. "…Why does everything have to be some shade of _red_ here? I mean, of course it's the _Scarlet_ Devil Mansion, but is there no consideration to the colorblind…?"

"You sure are taking it easy, for somebody who starts work tomorrow."

I froze mid-thought as a particular bat-winged girl stepped into the room. "Oh, Remilia! I, er… Sakuya told me I should get myself cleaned up…" _That's it, point towards the head maid. Let the landlord know you're not doing this behind anyone's backs._ "I didn't know anybody else would be coming in here."

"Well, my maid doesn't know, either. I snuck in here so I could have an early-morning soak to myself… at least, that's what I intended before finding you. She's excellent at her job, but she can be so _clingy_ at times."

_Early-morning…? Oh, wait, she's a vampire. This is technically the start of her day._ "I see…"

Both of us were silent for a minute. "…Well? Are you going to turn and face your master when she speaks to you?"

"I don't think my modesty will let me do that. Besides, I technically start serving you tomorrow."

I heard a hiss behind me, and immediately realized that I'd overstepped my authority. "I injected you with my blood. For all intents and purposes, you already serve me, technicalities aside. Now, _turn around._"

I suddenly felt an intense tugging in my gut. Despite my conscious unwillingness to do as she said, I found my body slowly shifting from the edge of the tub. "What…?"

"It's amazing, isn't it?" Remilia cooed. "So much power can be stored in such minute quantities of one's physical form. Transplanted limbs, blood transfusion, even exposure to a fairy's essence… all of these have a little bit of magic in them."

Despite my struggling, my body finally rounded to face Remilia. As it turned out, I didn't really have anything to worry about, as her small body was wrapped up in a towel quite larger than was necessary. "What are you saying?" I asked warily, wrapping my arms around my chest.

"By drinking your blood, and giving you some of my own, I gave myself a degree of influence over you. This is to ensure you will obey me without question. To demonstrate again: _hands at your sides._" I blinked. As my gut clenched up again, my arms unfolded and dropped down into the water, exposing my body to the vampire mistress.

"…huh." Remilia said after a moment. "Yours are almost as big as the gate guard's. Your body fits the large bosom better than her, but she's more about the legs—the big boobs are just a bonus. Oh, how Sakuya will be jealous…"

My face started to burn intensely as Remilia evaluated my figure, comparing me to many of the people she knew. _How does she even know what—oh, wait. Public spas, hot springs, Gensokyan lesbians. Damned Japanese and their lack of modesty…_

"…Overall, a well-balanced and attractive figure." Remilia finished. "Certainly a body I'd like to have… if it was possible for me to age." She glanced up, looking me in the face, and smirked. "You look like you'd suit the color red very well."

I shook my head furiously, snapping myself out of my embarrassment. "I don't like the prospect of you being able to command me to do anything, with no say in the matter."

"You agreed to this, did you not? You should have thought to ask Sakuya or Patchy exactly what a Scarlet maid's duties entail."

All of a sudden, I didn't feel like soaking in the water any longer… or talking to Remilia. "Screw this, I'm just going to go to bed. I've had a really, _really_ long day." _Literally._

I moved to leave the bath, but the feeling of having my guts yanked out of my body pinned me in the water. Remilia folded her arms, snickering. "Not so fast. You need to excuse yourself to your mistress properly."

My body tensing up, I slowly turned back to the vampire. "I don't _need_ anybody's permission to get out of the damn bath, let alone yours. Just point me to the living quarters."

Remilia held a hand to her ear, grinning. "I'm sorry?"

My burning gaze met her calm, cool stare, but for an instant, the whites of her eyes turned pitch-black, full of animalistic glee. Flinching, my resolve broke and I lowered my head in defeat. "May I have your permission… to retire for the day… Mistress?" I grumbled through clenched teeth.

The vampire's grin grew wider, and she waved me off. "Go ahead. Guest rooms are down the opposite side of the antechamber. Take any of the numbered doors, Sakuya will figure out which one you took later."

I wasted no time; in less than three minutes I was dried, dressed and out the door. Navigating the maze of a mansion more easily (with Sakuya's guidance still fresh on my mind), I crossed the building and located the quest wing. I made my way to the very end of the hallway. _7… 9… 11… _I counted as I walked along.

Finally, I stopped at the last number. _…13. Well… it certainly fits me._ Sighing, I took the handle and opened the door.

For something to be attributed to guests, the room was quite extravagant—a queen-size bed with thick flannel sheeting, nicely-engraved furniture, large windows, and a full-body mirror. Not that I cared at the moment; all I cared about was the bed. Stripping my top layer of clothing, I flung the covers aside and dropped onto the bed.

I was unconscious before my head hit the pillow.

XXXXX

I was woken up by a tug at my body that was rapidly becoming familiar_. I don't think I'll ever get used to that strange feeling…_ My eyes forced themselves open. I lay there for a few more minutes, simply relishing the comfort of the bed I'd collapsed in the previous night, before Remilia called for me again.

"I'm up, I'm up," I moaned to the ceiling, sitting up from the. Looking around, I noticed a red-and-white outfit sitting on the desk near the door, with a note attached to it. "Oh, no. Please don't let this be what I think it is…" I got out of the bed and snatched up the note.

_Here's your uniform. Hurry up and get dressed, Remilia's waiting for you in the antechamber. –S._

"…Yes, this is _exactly_ what I thought it was." I groaned. "Fuck." My thoughts turned to other, miscellaneous things, tuning out the motions of my body as I put on the uniform. Unlike Sakuya's outfit, the skirt on mine was more modest, reaching down to my heels instead of halting just above the knees.

"I can't believe I have to wear this..." I mumbled, tugging at the frills. After a pause, I grudgingly added, "…although, it _is_ comfortable…"

A tiny head poked in through the open doorway. "The master is waiting for you," the fairy maid announced.

"Alright, I'm on my way." I replied. Turning back to my bed, I searched through the sheets and pulled out Marisa's Hakkero, tucking it into the convenient pouch on my outfit. When I made up my mind to keep it with me at all times, I wasn't exaggerating. I'd even stuck it in my bath towel as I'd bathed the previous night (leading to bit of an unpleasant surprise when I ended up whacking myself in the face with it trying to dry my hair). With everything ready to go, I silently hoped that nothing bad would happen to me.

_I mean, it's only my first day. Things can't go wrong THAT quickly, can they?_

XXXXX

A/N: Sorry this chapter took so long to get out. I've kinda been busy with things, _Bioshock Infinite_ among them (an absolutely amazing game, by the way). On the bright side of things, I've finally got a handle on what I plan to do with this story.

You may notice that there's no description of blood spurting everywhere when Remilia bites Lucy. Yes, I know Remilia is canonically a messy eater, but then, has anybody considered the fact that her victims may _struggle_? It's completely possible that thrashing about simply causes her fangs to tear into the flesh and _make_ it seem like she's habitually messy. If somebody just sat still diligently, her feeding could be much cleaner.

Anyway, this chapter is rather low quality, I'll admit. Going through a bit of writer's block, and I don't want to force the story because it will just look bad.


	16. The First Job: A Trip to the Market

_Starting this chapter, The Outsider will be using a new chapter format. No more X's or ellipses if I can help it._

_Disclaimer: Touhou is the property of Team Shanghai Alice/ZUN._

* * *

I stumbled over my feet rushing to the SDM antechamber, silently cursing the maid slippers I'd been given to wear. I typically walk on my toes, wearing shoes and sandals with higher heels to compensate. The soles on these slippers were entirely flat, and this wrought hell with my balance.

Just as I arrived at my destination, gravity finally took its toll and I fell forward, landing flat on my face. "I'm here, I'm he- _OUF._" _…Alright. Note to self, landing on your tits HURTS._

Groaning, I looked up to Remilia, sitting in her throne with a half amused, half annoyed expression. "Quite an entrance there, girl. But next time, try your best to look good, would you?"

Sakuya, standing beside her master, gave a light chuckle. "Mistress, you don't seriously expect her to compete with me, the _perfect and elegant maid_, do you?"

"Of course not. It's just that having a clumsy maid would make _me_ look bad."

As the two made their banter, I picked myself up from the floor. Clearing my throat, I got their attention. "It's these slippers; they're throwing off my damn balance. I could use about another inch on the heels."

"Oh, so that's what it is?" Sakuya vanished from Remilia's side. A second later she materialized right in front of me, holding a new pair of shoes. "Here you go."

Putting on the slippers, I was very pleased to find that my legs were no longer shaking. "Thank you, Sakuya. That's much better."

"If you're ready, child," Remilia said, "Come to me." I stepped forward, facing her head-on.

"Alright… _Mistress_…" I grudgingly addressed Remilia. I kept my head down and my hands clasped behind my back. "I'm here, all dressed up like you want me. What would you like me to do?"

Remilia bared her fangs in a crooked grin, seemingly taking amusement from my discomfort. "I believe you'll find this job to be very easy, since I'll be sending Sakuya with you. The two of you will be heading to the village to pick up some items at the market."

_A grocery trip?_ I thought to myself. _Rather cliché, but hey, it's not a suicide mission._ "Sounds simple," I said, not looking up.

"Good. You'll be leaving right away." At this, I looked up and cocked an eyebrow, frowning. "You may be thinking, 'what, no time for breakfast?' Well, you're making this trip for a reason. Do this task without screwing anything up, and you'll return to a delightful meal back here. Do you understand?"

So, I was effectively going out to buy my own food. Not that I worried much about it—I don't have a morning appetite anyway. _Whatever._ I nodded. "Alright."

"Great!" Remilia glanced to Sakuya. "Keep an eye on the girl." Without waiting for a response, Remilia moved away from her throne and disappeared into the depths of the mansion.

"As you wish." Sakuya bowed to Remilia and turned to me. "Let's not waste any time."

I made to follow, but I suddenly remembered something. "Wait a minute. How cold is it outside?"

Sakuya stopped at the front door and looked back. "…Oh, that's right. You can't handle cold."

"Is there anything around here that I could use to keep myself warm? Like a coat?"

Sakuya thought for a moment. "…Patchouli wears coats regularly. You could ask her for one."

* * *

I lightly rapped my knuckles on the door of the Voile. After a few seconds, a certain little devil poked her head through the door. "Yes?"

"I'd like to speak with Patchouli. Is she available?"

"Yes, she should be." Koakuma pulled the door open wider. "I'll take you to her."

I looked back to Sakuya, who waved me off. "I'll wait here. You go ahead and talk with Patchy." Nodding, I followed Koakuma into the Voile.

As we took some twists and turns through the maze of bookshelves, I asked the devil why we weren't going to the same place as before. Koakuma simply said Patchouli had moved to another spot in the library overnight.

Finally, we arrived at our destination, where Patchouli was stretched out on a sofa, an open book in hand… disciplining Koakuma. _What? But she's beside…_ I looked to my right, and found that Koakuma was still beside me. My gaze rapidly shifted between the two girls, and the only thing that was going through my head at the moment was _…what the fuck?_

By this point Patchouli had noticed my arrival and looked to me expectantly. I pointed to the two identical succubae simultaneously, jaw slack.

Patchouli chuckled. "What? You thought I ran this entire library with only _one_ servant? My little devil is good, but she's not good enough to handle my sentient archives all by herself. As such, I have many devils under my command; they all go by the name of Koakuma."

I turned to the Koakuma standing, or rather, floating beside me. "Just how many of you are there?"

The girl absently chewed on her nails, thinking. "…on our last census, I'd estimate… around fifty-seven of us?" This Koakuma looked to the other Koakuma, who nodded. "Yes, fifty-seven Koakuma, give or take a couple."

I then turned to the Koakuma at Patchouli's side. "But how can anybody tell you apart from one another?"

"Koa?" The succubus at Patchy's side mewled. "Koa, koa-koa, ko koa ka." _Uh… what?_

Patchouli snapped her fingers, getting the unintelligible Koakuma's attention. "Now, now, Koa. Go do what I asked, and remember what I said about antagonizing the fairies."

"Koaa…" The Koakuma, supposedly labeled simply as 'Koa', drifted away with a disappointed whimper.

"Now," Patchouli looked back to me. "What is Remilia having you doing that warrants a visit to my library?" A pause, and then, "By the way, a maid outfit suits you."

"The compliment is appreciated, but before I say anything, can you promise to explain this Koakuma business to me the next time we have an opportunity?"

Patchouli yawned. "…I can do that. So, what does Remilia want you to do?"

I ran a hand through my hair, adjusting the maid headdress. "She wants me to go with Sakuya to the village to help buy groceries. I need something to keep me from suffering hypothermia in the winter air, and Sakuya said you have some coats lying around. Would it be okay if I borrowed one?"

The sorceress stared at me. Her stare was nothing like Remilia's; where Remilia's eyes were sharp and hungry-looking, Patchouli's were rather glazed over and disinterested, with a sort of simple charm to them. Finally, she spoke. "Tell me this, Lucy: do you _need_ a coat, or do you simply _want_ a coat?"

I blinked. "…I'm sorry, but I don't understand what you're asking me."

"What I'm _asking_ is if you absolutely need the warmth of a coat to survive beyond the walls of this mansion, or if you simply want me to give you a coat so you can feel confident about going outside."

After a few seconds of though, I threw my hands in the air. "…Okay, I admit. I don't know. But, it couldn't hurt to have some insurance, could it?"

"Yes, actually, it could." The book in Patchouli's hand slammed shut. "And in many different ways. Wearing my coat implies familiarity. Displays of affection, favoritism. Implies weakness through attacking close ones. Which is most definitely not the case with you and me. Also, not that cold outside. To wear a coat anyway says you suffer discomfort in winter. Easy enough for youkai to tear off coat, expose you to cold, cripple you. Then—"

I held up my hands. "…Alright, I get it. It would backfire on both of us."

"It's more than just that. It's also about learning your limits. How will you ever know just how far you can go before your body tells you to stop? By throwing yourself in a freezer and lowering the heat until you drop dead of hypothermia? Simulations just aren't enough; you need to experience it for real." Patchouli shook her head. "I'm sorry, Lucy, but my answer is no."

"I understand." My gaze dropped to the floor as I nodded. "Well, I'm sorry for disrupting your… whatever you're doing." I turned away. "This has certainly been a waste of time for all involved…"

A sigh from behind me. "Not necessarily."

Turning back to Patchouli, I noticed another Koakuma had appeared at her side, carrying a bag and something wrapped in lavender cloth. "I worked all night with help from Yakumo's shikigami to have this ready for you by now. Do your best to take care of it, would you?"

_Ran was here…? Ah, never mind. I wouldn't have noticed anyway, being dead asleep. _The newcomer Koakuma held out the items. I cautiously stepped forward and accepted them from the bat-winged girl. "…Thanks."

"Koa~" Koa chirped happily and floated away. I set aside the bag (which was surprisingly heavy) and peeled the cloth away… to reveal one of the most beautiful pieces of firepower I'd ever seen with my own eyes.

The Remington Model 870 in my arms gave off a lustrous gleam, looking as if it had come straight from the assembly line. The body of the shotgun was painted a deep crimson, with a number of runic characters engraved into the barrel. It was certainly heavy, being made pretty much entirely of metal, but it was balanced; it just felt _right_ in my hands. I couldn't wait to see this thing in action… "Alright… does this thing come with instructions?"

Patchouli spent a few minutes explaining her changes to the basic design, and revealing one of her 'crystal shells' that fired danmaku instead of buckshot. She demonstrated that a single shell had higher energy and velocity than normal danmaku bolts, blowing a near-foot-wide crater in the ceiling a hundred feet above.

I was silent for a moment after Patchouli finished speaking. "I don't know how I'm going to make this up to you, Miss Patchouli. But trust me, I'll try."

"I look forward to it. Now, get out of here. You've got work to do." Patchouli hobbled back to the sofa. Giggling, Koa took me by the arm and led me out. All the way, she jittered on and on in her weird, Pokémon-like language. Despite my protesting that I couldn't even understand her, she just giggled and went on talking until we reached the exit. At that point, she waved goodbye with a bubbly smile and drifted away.

I stepped out of the library, where Sakuya stood waiting. "She said no?"

"Pretty much. But she _did_ give me this."

The head maid took one look at the shotgun in my arms and whistled. "I have to say, when Patchy puts her mind to something, she never fails to disappoint. But what's in the bag?" I moved to check the bag myself. "You know what, we've wasted too much time. Let's get going."

We made our way back to the antechamber, stopping by my room to drop off the sack on the way. As we approached the front door, Sakuya turned back to me. "Are you sure you still want to do this? If you black out again, I might not be able to get you somewhere to recover in time."

I stepped in front of Sakuya and grabbed the doorknob. "Patchouli says I have to do it, to know just how much it takes to break me. I can only hurt myself in the long run by refusing. Now, let's just get this over with."

Taking a deep breath, I opened the door and stepped out.

Instantly, the cold air tore into my skin. I rapidly lost feeling all over my body, and it was only through sheer willpower that I managed to remain standing, let alone cling to consciousness. Standing, however, caused my legs to lock up, rooting me on the spot.

Sakuya held me upright by the shoulder, noticing that I was teetering back and forth. "Are you alright?"

I tried to respond, but chattering teeth and rapidly-failing strength caused my words to drift off. "Th-this may h-have… m-may have b-been…" I fought back the blackness creeping in the corners of my vision, and stared at my hands. _Come on, damn it… you can do this. This cold is nothing compared to the shit from back home. Just flex your fingers_… I tried to move my digits, but the nerves just didn't seem to be firing. Straining myself, I focused everything I had to make my fingers move. Finally, just as I was feeling ready to give up, my nerves woke up, and my hands slowly tightened into fists.

"I take that as a yes?" Sakuya's muffled voice sounded like it was coming from far off, although she was standing right next to me. "Look, if it's absolutely necessary, you can stay here, and I'll try to convince Mistress to assign you a different task…"

My hand jerked up into the air, interrupting Sakuya. "N-n-no… let's just h-hurry…" I mumbled through chattering teeth. My entire body was practically vibrating, trying to keep itself warm in the face of the cold that Lunarians just can't stand, even though I couldn't feel anything. _Come on, girl, you can't let Eirin's fuck-up bring you down. Just keep moving. If you stand still, you're dead._ My legs were no longer locked up, allowing me to step forward. The single step sent a wave of exhaustion through my body, but I persevered, and soon enough I could put one foot in front of the other.

With that, we set off for the village, Sakuya kindly keeping pace with my slow, careful steps.

* * *

Time passed quickly on the dirt trail. As we went on, the numbness in my body slowly faded away… opening up an entirely new can of worms now that I could actually _feel_ the cold again. Regressing to my younger years, I tucked my arms and head into my uniform, staring through the fabric and using Sakuya's silhouette as a guide to make sure I didn't get lost.

"Please compose yourself, Lucy," Sakuya said. "You'll make me look like an idiot in front of the villagers."

"I d-don't care."

"Miss Izayoi." _Oh, crap. I know that voice. Keine._ "Who's the derp?"

As one, my arms and head popped out. "She's the SDM's newest employee," Sakuya explained. "She has a severe weakness to cold…"

"I get it." Keine absently fiddled with her bento hat. "So, to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?"

"Picking up some things for the SDM, of course. Lucy here, though—" Sakuya gestured to me, where I was shivering violently, "Is doing the job herself. I'm merely supervising."

Keine glanced to me, eyebrows raised. "Lucy? …Oh, yes, I _thought_ your posture seemed familiar. Never thought you to be the maid type…"

"It's th-the p-price I have t-to pay to h-have a roof over m-my head at night…" I stuttered as I pulled my hair out of the uniform.

"Hmm." Keine turned around and cracked open the village gate. "You're free to come in. Take your time, but I'd prefer it if you settle your business and be on your way by the time the sun begins to make its descent in the sky. The feral youkai start to get a little antsy by that time of day."

"We'll try not to be a bother," Sakuya gripped my quivering shoulder and led me into the village.

Once we were through the gate, I started to feel a little warmer. All of the blazing fires and… chugging steam generators?... raised the ambient temperature throughout the village significantly. Finally, I could stop shivering and walk around normally. "Okay, first thing's first, Lucy. You head on to the produce market, pick up the items on this list." Sakuya handed me a strip of paper and a small sack. "Here's the money to pay for everything. If you find there's money left after we're done, you can have it."

"Okay…" I glanced down at the list… and frowned. "Aw, hell. I never learned these words." Sakuya promptly took back the list and scribbled furiously on the back using a pen she pulled out of nowhere. When she returned it, there was a new listing written in neat, Middle-Age English font. "Okay, that's much better. Thanks."

"You're welcome. Now, get a move on."

I nodded and walked away. _Alright, the produce market shouldn't be too difficult to find. Just need to watch for the fruit stands._ Sure enough, I found my way to the produce after only a minute of wandering. As I strolled through the market, the natives eyed me warily. I tried to make friendly gestures, like a wave of the hand in greeting, or the occasional nod of the head, but that just seemed to scare them more. A ten-foot-wide invisible circle rapidly formed around me, a circle in which no villager would dare to step near me.

As I approached the stand that sold the first item on the list—a melon of some sort—the vendor visibly stiffened. "Is there something wrong?" I asked.

"…You are a pawn of the man-eating child." The vendor's voice was low and grumbling. Almost like a growl. "You do not belong here."

I shifted backward a little. "I don't mean anybody harm. I just want to buy some things, and I'll be on my way." I took my coin sack and pulled out a handful of Yen coins.

The vendor flinched as I offered the coins to him, but after a moment he hesitantly reached out and took one of the coins. He examined the coin diligently, checking the texture, pulling out a coin of his own for comparison, and biting the coin (_seriously, why do people do that?_). Finally, he set the coin down on the counter and slid it back to me. "Your money… is acceptable," He mumbled. "Go on."

I uttered a silent thanks and examined the melons on the stand. I took three of the melons I found to be of good quality, and paid his price. To show my appreciation for him tolerating me, I gave him a few more coins, and was silently comforted to see his rigid features soften just a bit.

The vendor was silent as I gave a bow and walked away, a bag of melons in hand. "So much for getting any leftover cash for myself," I said to myself. "But I'd rather have the people accept me than line my pockets."

At that moment, I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I could hear a flutter of wings, light footsteps, and the sound of somebody scribbling on a piece of paper.

Taking a deep breath, I turned to face my pursuer. "Is there something you need from me?"

Short black hair, a matching pair of wings, pointed ears, and stilt-like sandals… as I thought, I'd been tailed by Aya Shameimaru. She wore her standard attire of a white button-up shirt, a black miniskirt with white trim, and a tokin hat. Seeing as it was winter, she also had a bright yellow scarf wrapped around her neck.

The tengu was taken aback by my sudden acknowledgement of her presence, but she quickly composed herself. "Oh, hi. My name is Aya Shameimaru. I'm the head reporter of the _Bunbunmaru News_. If I could have a minute of your time to ask you some questions…"

I folded my arms. "Bunbunmaru? You mean that crappy tabloid that takes the smallest of stories and twists them into outrageous fairy-tales?"

"Allow me to answer your question with another question: since we're in Gensokyo, the 'land of illusion,' isn't _every_ story told here a fairy-tale?"

"Touché."

"Indeed." The tengu gave a bow. "Now, I just happened to be in town today, selling my papers… when I noticed _you_."

I flinched. _Oh, god. She knows. How the FUCK does she know!?_ "Is that so?" I kept my expression calm, while the gears in my head started grinding frantically, searching for a means by which I could get the _hell_ away from Aya.

"Yes. Very few people have ever wandered through the village dressed the way you are right now." Aya's hand shot out and grabbed at my clothing. "The uniform's design, the color… this is a genuine Scarlet maid uniform! That makes you the first human Scarlet maid in _ten years_!"

Instantly, the gears came to a screeching halt. My response was a single word: "What."

"To think," Aya continued, "that I would have a chance to speak with a human maid! The very fact that you're walking among the villagers is a miracle. I wonder if you'll manage not to get murdered too quickly…"

I twitched. "You're not making me feel very comfortable, saying things like that."

"What? Oh, sorry. It's just that, in the rare instance human women choose to serve Remilia Scarlet, they end up getting killed very shortly thereafter, either by screwing up, disrespecting Remilia herself, or stumbling into Flandre. And in all cases, I never get the opportunity to interview them."

The second and third causes of death made sense, but that first one seemed to imply over-reaction on Remilia's part… _scratch that, me looking bad makes her look bad. She'd definitely kill me for tarnishing her reputation._ "So, you're saying it's an achievement for me to be standing here right now?"?"

"Which makes it all the more important that you allow me to interview you. So, if you can, could you answer my questions?"

I thought for a moment. "…Well…" Finally, I sighed and nodded. "I guess I can take some time to entertain you."

"Great!" Aya guided us to an unoccupied table in the market and we took a seat. Aya pulled out her notepad and a pen. "First question…"

_...Girls are conversing_…

"…And that should be enough for my next article," Aya concluded cheerfully as she closed op her notepad, now filled with notes of one sort or another. "Thanks for taking the time to sit through my questions."

"No problem." I nodded. "Although, I'd appreciate it if you kept some things confidential. Things that could hurt me if people knew about them." I leaned in and whispered some things into Aya's ear.

The tengu nodded. "I'll see what I can do to trim out personal information. And while we're at it…" Aya fished through her bag and pulled out a roll of paper. "How would you like a copy of this week's edition of Bunbunmaru News? Only 500 yen."

I shook my head. "I'm sorry, but I don't have any money."

"But that coin pouch…" Aya pointed to the small sack at my hip.

"Grocery money. I'm here running errands for the Scarlet Devil Mansion."

"Ah. I see." Aya stood up from her chair. "Well, I won't bother you any longer. Have a nice day, and good luck with your new job!"

As the tengu walked away, I sat at the table for a little while longer. _Well, that was certainly strange…__but I'm not complaining. My cover is safe... for now._ It took a hell of a lot of effort to fabricate a convincing story to satisfy her relentless questioning, and as such I hoped I would never have to do it again.

"You're certainly taking your sweet time getting things done." Sakuya rounded the table and sat in the chair where Aya had been only moments ago. She seemed agitated.

"Sorry. I was being interviewed by Aya—who, I might add, is quite a bit nicer than I thought. Fortunately, I convinced her that I'm not Yukari's pet."

Sakuya arched a brow. "How did you manage that?"

"All of the assumptions she had of me were from information she gathered just after Luke vanished from the public eye…" I patted my large chest. "…back when I didn't have these. Plus, I have a near-perpetual poker face. I can lie and bluff relatively well, if I ever need to."

The head maid chuckled. "An unreliable reporter working with outdated information. Makes sense that she would make that kind of screw-up—"

A flash interrupted Sakuya and surprised both of us. We glanced to the direction from which the flash originated, and were met with Aya, who had returned holding her camera. "Sorry for intruding again, but I wanted to get a good picture of you. I figured that a photo of you with your head maid and supervisor would be better than a standalone, so I hung around for a little bit. Now, I'll be on my way for real." With a wave of her hand, and a flutter of wings, Aya took off.

As Aya left, I slowly turned back to Sakuya. "You think she overheard us?" I asked with a hint of panic in my voice.

"As much as I'd hate to think of it… she probably did. Those pointed ears aren't just for decoration."

My tranquil demeanor snapped like a twig. "_Fuck!_" I howled, slipping back into English in my infuriation. "If she exposes me to the villagers, I'm going to wring her _fucking_ neck!"

"No need to be so upset. She only got a small bit of information, and it will take time for her to piece together the truth. For the moment, though, there's nothing we can do about it." Sakuya stood up. "In the meantime, let's just get back to the task at hand." I was still upset, but I nodded, and together we walked back into the market.

* * *

Once out of the maids' direct line of sight, Aya doubled back and returned to the market. She watched from the branches of an apple tree as the two maids walked off. "Quick to anger, that one…"

'Yukari's pet.' That was a label given to one of two kinds of people. The most common use is when somebody references Yukari's own shikigami. This girl, though, was obviously neither a kitsune nor a nekomata, so that left her with option two:

_"I've found my outsider." _

…_Is what I would probably be saying right about now, if I didn't know for a fact that the outsider is _male_. If this girl is _also_ an outsider, though… something strange is going on._

She recalled all the information she had on the outsider up to this point (which hadn't been much—Aya admitted she had somewhat low standards for information, but what she'd gathered was simply too vague to use in an article) and ran a comparison with the girl:

The outsider as first seen four days ago had had dirty chestnut hair and blue eyes; so, too did the girl.

The outsider had also been described as having a wide and loping gait, yet his arms didn't swing in tandem with the motion; they simply hung loosely at his sides, with his hands tightened into fists. Aya double-checked the girl. _Okay… yep. Big steps, fists held firmly at her hips. The puzzle's starting to come together… I think._

Finally, the outsider had been reported to be naturally expressionless, not really showing any sort of outward emotion. Throughout the interview, the girl had seemed to be forcing her facial expressions, as if she had difficulty in actually expressing emotions. The two seemed to fit.

_Outsider arrives, walks into the Lunarian clinic, and vanishes; three days later _this_ girl surfaces with the same eyes, same hair, same behavioral characteristics. And the way she flinched when I started asking her questions about her whereabouts seemed to indicate she had something she wanted kept secret. The outsider _has_ to be connected to this girl somehow._

But that simply wasn't enough information for Aya to work with. If they were related, how so? Were they siblings? A parent-and-child couple? And what exactly had happened to the outsider when he went into the clinic four days ago?

Then a lightbulb went off in Aya's head and she facepalmed. _I'm an idiot._ Tearing the strip of paper off her notepad and discarding it, the tengu dropped down from the tree and made a beeline for the village clinic.

It was time to stop beating around the bush and just go straight to the scene of the crime.

* * *

Author's note: Sorry that this chapter took such a long time to get out. I've had a severe cold for the past week, running a fever of 103, coughing up mucus from my lungs literally every twenty minutes, and being completely unable to sleep… My eyes are freakin' bloodshot. I had to use my rare moments of clarity to get as much done on this chapter as possible, so it's probably pretty crunchy.

For the record, I DO know why coin-biting is a thing. It seems to be some sort of method by which a person judges the quality of the metal used to make a coin. _How_ or _why_ one does that with their _teeth_, though, is still beyond me.


	17. Conflict of Interests

Author's Note: Sorry about the delay. I won't lie, I've been ignoring my duties as a fanfic writer. On top of that, I've had a serious case of writer's block and didn't want to power through it regardless. As someone once said, a good story is like a fart; if you try to force it, all you'll get is crap.

However, now that I'm pulling myself out of this little ditch of mine, I've started work on a Metroid fic. I intend to take the train wreck that was _Other M _and turn it into something that is both lore-friendly, and doesn't make Samus Aran look like a whiny bitch.

Okay, excuse-making over. Guys, I have plans in store for Voile in the future of this story, but to make them happen, I have to go back to previous chapters and make some alterations relating to the library. They should be done by the time the next chapter is up.

Anyway, on with the show.

* * *

"A measly hundred Yen."

"Hey, it's something, isn't it?"

"…I guess." I held the last coin in my fingers as Sakuya and I walked, occasionally flipping it into the air. Sakuya had done her thing with her spacetime manipulation and moved all of the grocery bags into a dimensional bubble, allowing the two of us to walk unburdened.

As we approached the village gate, Keine was nowhere in sight. That made sense, seeing as she actually had a _life_ to get to—she couldn't be at the gate to greet us every time we came. As such, we were left to ourselves as we departed from the village.

Immediately, the cold came rushing back to my body, having left the warmth of the village. Rather than be caught looking like an idiot again, like what happened with Keine, I just wrapped my arms around my chest and kept my head down.

I glanced up and noticed the sun was already two-thirds of the way through its path in the sky. It had to be five or six o'clock. "Keine said the youkai start moving around right about now, didn't she?"

"Yes, but that shouldn't be too much of a problem. If we're lucky, wild youkai might even recognize me and just run for the hills."

I shot Sakuya an inquisitive glance. "'If we're lucky'…?"

"I'm more than capable of defending both of us if we're attacked. Without danmaku, though, you don't have the non-lethality protection guaranteed by the spellcard system, so—"

I didn't hear the rest of Sakuya's sentence, because at that moment something small, fast, and very, very _cold_ slammed into me.

I dropped to the ground in a heap, the wind knocked out of my body. Stunned, it took me several seconds to get my bearings again. Shaking, now from nausea instead of cold, I straightened out and got to my hands and knees. I could faintly hear Sakuya asking me if I was okay.

I also heard someone else. "Ow! Dammit!" A high-pitched voice whined. "What did I hit!?"

I turned my head towards the voice. I was greeted with the sight of a small fairy, looking to be around 8 or 9 years of biological age. She wore a one-piece blue dress with white trim and a red ascot. On top of her head was a large blue ribbon, a shade darker than her short and messy hair. Lastly, six massive ice spikes floated freely in the air around her back.

_Great. Of ALL the members of Team 9 I could run into, it _had_ to be Cirno._

Instantly, Cirno got to her feet and hopped. Magic took over from that point and the fairy levitated at a relatively constant two feet from the ground.

"Oh, great. Cirno." Sakuya rubbed her temple. "What are you doing?"

Cirno swiveled to face the maid. "YOU! You're the lady with all the knives! How DARE you black the path of the Strongest!?"

"Nobody was trying to block your path. YOU were the one who crossed the road without looking both ways. And for the record, I didn't even _touch_ you. If you'd just look to the ground in front of you for five seconds, you'd see your victim."

I pushed myself into a cross-legged sitting position—at least, as much of one that I could managed with the skirt in the way—and looked to Cirno. Cirno stared back, with an annoyed glance. "What are you looking at?"

It seemed as if the very air around Cirno was freezing. Just being near the girl was causing numbness to seep back into my limbs. "I might say the same for you, little one," I responded, fighting to keep my teeth from clattering.

Cirno hissed. "Are you making fun of me?" The air around her was consumed by a powdery mist. "I am not in the mood for this. Those damned fairies destroyed my home, and I'm going to return the favor. If they want a war, they'll get one… and I won't let anybody get in my way."

There was a flash of silver at Sakuya's sides. When I looked, I saw she had drawn multiple knives from her pocket dimension and raised them in an offensive stance. Rather interesting, Sakuya's knives—at a glance, they resembled scalpels with elongated blades and handles made of black plastic, a far cry from the double-edged tooth shape and flat crossguard of typical knives. "I'll give you one chance to make a run for it before I spread your essence to the winds of Gensokyo," the head maid growled.

As the knives glimmered in Sakuya's hands, the fairy's magic instantly died. Her eyes widened, and she began to slowly drift backwards. "Oh, no…"

_Weird,_ I thought. _Cirno actually backing down? Doesn't seem like normal behavior for her._

"That's right," Sakuya growled. "You can't handle all of my knives at once. Now, you will let us be, and we will go our separate paths. Is that clear?"

Cirno shook her head. "I'm not talking about you…"

That's when I started noticing the signs. The rustling of the bushes. Movement in the trees. Hushed whispers.

_Shit._ "Sakuya…?"

"What?"

I searched the ground and picked up a rock the size of my fist. Looking around, I chucked the rock into a tree, where it struck something with a loud clunk.

And like stirring up an anthill or screwing with a beehive, the forest _exploded _with activity.

Fairies emerged from tree branches, from bushes, from shrubs. Dozens, easily hundreds of fairies took to the air and formed a tight circle around us, cutting off any vector of escape. And directly in front of me, Sakuya and Cirno, three fairies, a good deal larger (close to Cirno's size) and more unique than the others, stared down at us like predators sizing up their prey.

Sakuya slowly lowered her knives. "You three… you're the ones who've been responsible for all the attacks on humans as of late…"

The three alpha-fairies floated closer. Some observation identified them as Sunny Milk, Luna Child, and Star Sapphire—the Three Mischievous Fairies.

"That's right! And now, we have you surrounded!" Sunny announced haughtily. "Surrender yourself before we are forced to…" the fairy blinked. "Er…" Sakuya and I both raised an eyebrow.

Sunny grumbled and turned to Luna. "Great. _Now_ what do we do?"

"What are you looking at _me_ for!?" Luna cried. "I never thought we'd manage to get this far! Every _other_ time we attempt an ambush, we get sniffed out and crushed!"

"See, I told you two to think ahead. Look where your inattentiveness had gotten us." Star sighed. "Just like with Cirno's house."

"Don't criticize us!" The other two shouted at her in unison.

_Huh… so the TMF want war, they destroyed Cirno's house, and now she's out for revenge. And I just happened to be caught in the middle of it. Where have I heard this before…?_ I thought for a second, but my mind was drawing a blank. _Oh, well. But since I'm here… it just might be possible to prevent this whole mess from building into an incident. _As the three fairies bickered, I rose to my feet and whispered into Sakuya's ear.

She listened, and fixed me with a disbelieving glare. "I don't see how that could possibly work. If it didn't dissuade Yuuka, then these fairies aren't going to budge."

"Yuuka was a stubborn bitch with a sadistic streak as wide as Gensokyo," I retaliated. "With fairies, we at least have a chance to scare them. Now hurry, before the infighting stops."

"ENOUGH!" Star suddenly screamed, cutting off her two comrades. She turned back to Sakuya and I. "We've been looked down upon for too long. We've suffered years of insults, innumerable shaming defeats. BUT NO MORE! It is time for us to rise up and prove our strength to humans and youkai alike!" She pointed at us. "DESTROY THEM!"

There was no answer. No affirmative, no war cry, nothing. The Three Mischievous Fairies slowly looked around… and discovered that their two hundred-strong fairy army had completely vanished… no, _disintegrated_. "…Where did everybody go…?" Sunny slowly asked.

"They'll recompose in a few hours once they get their individual essences sorted out." Sakuya floated behind the three fairies, knives in hand. "In the meantime, we're going to put a stop this this conflict. Either you cooperate… or I visit upon you a pain greater than any other. The choice is yours to make."

Where had Cirno been this whole time? Well… she had taken cover behind my skirt. Were it not for the seriousness of the current scenario, I would have laughed my ass off at Cirno's size—with her scalp coming up to just below my bustline, she was approximately a whopping _four__ feet_. Fucking _puny._

But small or no, Cirno was _cold._ This was made worse by the fact she was pressing into my body. "Let g-go… I c-can't fe-feel my l-legs…" I protested.

"No. You will be my shield…" Cirno replied. "…Why are you shivering?"

"Y-you're an ice f-fairy. T-t-take a g-good guess…"

"…Because you're scared of me?" _Bitch, you have _got_ to be kidding me. I don't fear these jokers, and I certainly don't fear _you_._

Sakuya coaxed the three fairies to ground level, looking to me and nodding. I reached back and grabbed Cirno's little arm, pulling her around me and shoving her forward. Steeling myself against the cold, and trying to look as imposing as I can, I spoke. "Now all of you, listen up. I have some things I'd like to say."

"Who do you think you are, trying to imprison us? If you have some sort of business with us, why don't you use danmaku like everybody else in Gensokyo?"

I facepalmed and sighed. "Everywhere I go, people solve their problems by beating the everloving shit out of everybody else. Violence isn't always the answer, you know... It's about time somebody tried to _talk_ for a change. Besides, I can't use danmaku anyway."

"And you think that you can fight an entire fairy army with _words?_ We're not that idiotic to not know when we have an advantage."

"Your 'army' was a joke," Sakuya retorted, "and is currently on the ground around us. Now, be silent."

Ignoring her, I stepped forward. "This doesn't have to end up with somebody getting hurt. If you're willing to at least listen to me, I'll let you leave peacefully."

The three fairies exchanged glances with each other for a moment. Finally, they growled and turned back. "What do you want from us?" Star asked.

"I want you to explain all of this—" I gestured to the scattered remains of the fairies all around us "—to me. Your motives, your methods, your justification. And if I heard right, you destroyed the home of this little one here—" I pointed to Cirno. "In that case, an apology would be nice."

"You have no right to be making demands of us!" Sunny cried out. "Just because we're fairies doesn't mean all you humans have to look down on us—"

I made a throat-cutting gesture, silencing the fairy. "I get it. You're a bunch of stuck-up half-pints with an inferiority complex. What _I_ want to know, is exactly what you intended to accomplish by attacking people."

As Sunny shrunk back, Star puffed out her chest haughtily. "To prove ourselves. Our strength as fairies comes from our numbers. The more of us there are, the more powerful we become. And if all fairies were to unite, they would be the greatest force in Gensokyo, bending nature to their whims!

"What does any of that ridiculous stuff have to do with _destroying my home?!_" Cirno hissed. "Those are the actions of a brainless animal!"

"Wow, those are some big words…" Sunny crooned. "Coming from an _idiot_ like you—"

Cirno screamed and shot forward, intending to rip the trio apart with her bare hands. Unfortunately for her, I expected her to do that and grabbed her dress in anticipation. She promptly jerked in midair and started choking on her dress collar, which she found was suddenly digging into her throat.

"Well, look at _yourselves_," I pointed to Sunny and her sisters. "You certainly don't _sound_ like animals, or _dress_ like them for that matter. Intelligent fairies like you should be above brute force. And yet, look at you—destroying homes, attacking innocent bystanders… it's demeaning and pathetic."

"And who are you to say things like that to us?" Luna asked, folding her arms. "You humans are just as brutal and violent as you think_ us_ to be."

"The _hell _we are!" I snapped. "The people of Gensokyo fight because they're given no other option. Because it's become an instinct to them. I can_ compromise_. The fact that I'm even bothering to _talk_ with you fairies should say something about my willingness to be nice. Had it been anybody other than me, you three would be with the rest of your so-called army, trying to figure out whose fairy dust belongs to whom so you can pull yourselves together."

As the three fairies shrunk back, Cirno sneered. "Serves you right, bullies."

I grabbed Cirno's dress again and yanked up, forcing her to look me face-to-face. "Don't think you're not in trouble, too, you little brat. You think that, just because they destroyed your home, you have the right to destroy theirs? Sure, you haven't done it yet, but you shouldn't even be _trying_. By destroying their home, you're just stooping to their level, and for what? A satisfaction of revenge that you'll just forget about in three days? There's no point to it, so just give up."

If there's any kind of facial expression I can fake well, it's pure, feral rage, and that came into play at this moment—Cirno's resolve quickly crumbled as our gazes met. Finally, she lowered her head. "Alright," she grumbled. "But only because I agree that it's a waste of time."

"Good." I nodded, setting her down. "We've all come to an agreement."

"Wait, what?" Star cried, rising several feet into the air. "What agreement?"

"Ah-ah-ah, no need to get testy." Sakuya prodded Star back towards the ground. She turned back to me. "Go on, Lucy."

"Alright, then. Fairies, you want Cirno to stop being such a jerk, right?"

"…I guess so, yeah…" Sunny shrugged. Her two sisters exchanged a glance and shrugged, as well.

"And Cirno, you want to be respected, right?"

"Yes!"

"Alright then." I clasped my hands together. "One last question, to all four of you: What kinds of things do you like to do that doesn't involve ruining other people's days?"

The fairies gave numerous replies, one after the other. After a few answers, I discovered that Cirno and the three others had made the same answer at least once. "I heard something about all four of you liking mochi made by the Rabbits at Eientei. You should go do that… together.

"WHAT?" The response from all four fairies was simultaneous.

"You do something together, you work together. To work together, you have to get along. You try getting along, you can become friends. You become friends, you take care of each other. You take care of each other, you're happy. So on, so forth. Everybody's happy, everybody wins. Understand?"

Strangely enough, Cirno was the first to break. After a minute of complete silence, she hesitantly floated towards the other three. "So, er… I'm… sorry for threatening to destroy your house."

"And we're sorry for… destroying yours," Star responded. Sunny and Luna were silent, so she nudged the two of them, and they grumbled their apologies.

"So… where exactly are these rabbits?" Luna asked.

"Er… I-in the bamboo forest. I… have a friend that lives there…"

Seeing as the fairies were now too confused to be a threat, Sakuya walked over to me. "Well, that went much better than I expected it to. Maybe now they'll stop attacking humans, being too busy trying to figure out how to be friends."

I nodded. "I'm honestly surprised, too. Didn't expect Cirno to cave that easily." A sudden shudder wracked my body as the winter cold renewed its assault. "Well, th-that's my good deed f-for the day… l-let's get back t-to the m-Mansion."

Sakuya shrugged. "Very well. I suppose we've had enough delays." The two of us turned and continued down the dirt trail, leaving in our wake a field of dust and four bumbling fairies.

* * *

"You want to talk to Master?" Reisen folded her arms, frowning. "I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that prospect."

"If that's the case, I guess I'll just have to do with you for the time being." Aya pulled out her pen and paper. "I have some questions about certain… _nonnative_ individuals. If memory serves, the outsider vanished in this clinic, did he not?"

On the word 'outsider' Reisen's eyes widened. "I have no idea what you're talking about," Reisen quickly stated.

_Jackpot_. "I don't like being lied to. I _know_ something went down here, and these strangers are connected. You might as well come clean, make things easier on yourself. If you don't… well, I doubt you'd want rumors leaked about that _fling_ you had with—"

"Hey, hey, hey_._ Take it easy. This doesn't have to end in blackmail." Reisen held her hands up in surrender. "Look, even if I knew anything about an outsider, I wouldn't tell _you_. There's simply far too much potential for harm in exposing an innocent person."

"Uh-huh." Aya moved over to a small red box suspended on the wall. "What's this?"

"Uh… that's the fire alarm…" The moon rabbit replied, confused. "Why do you ask?"

Aya cracked her knuckles. "Oh, no reason." And faster than the eye could see, she rose a fist and smashed it into the alarm. Sprinklers in the ceiling began to douse nonexistent flames in water as a warning klaxon blared.

Almost instantaneously, a silver-haired woman burst through the door behind the counter. "What's going on in here?"

"Oh, just some investigative journalism. Your associate was being somewhat uncooperative." Aya pushed a lock of wet hair out of her eyes. "Now, I'd like to hear the truth about the outsider that came to your clinic and vanished without a trace."

* * *

"Where have you two been!?" Remilia hissed. "It's less than two hours before sundown!"

"I'd be happy to explain, later. But right now, I think something may be wrong with my hand, it's gone completely numb—"

I was completely ignored. "And Sakuya… I honestly expected more from you. You would have gotten this done and been back in less than a couple of hours. Was this girl truly that incompetent as to drag you down with her?" As she spoke to Sakuya, I noticed Remilia had a softer tone of voice, sounding more disappointed than infuriated. I suppose it should have been expected; Sakuya had served Remilia faithfully for years, while I just showed up on their doorstep the previous day begging for sanctuary.

"I blame circumstances," was Sakuya's response. "She got jumped by the crow tengu in the middle of the village for an interview; there was really nothing I could do that wouldn't result in collateral damage, so that was an hour wasted. Afterwards there was the matter of the shopping, which took another couple of hours trying to get the locals to open up and do business with Lucy. And then, we were attacked by fairies on the way back."

Remilia groaned. "As always, an outsider attracts trouble everywhere they go. I swear, if I wake up and find the entire fairy population of Gensokyo knocking on my door, I'm handing you over to my little sister." The vampire raised her hand and examined it in such a way that I could clearly see the razor-sharp, blood-red nails at the tips of her fingers. "I want details. Now."

Sakuya and I each took turns recounting the events of the day, obediently answering our master whenever she interrupted to ask questions. Finally, after an hour of discussion, Remilia simply rubbed her brow and sighed. "Well, I suppose I can't fault you on account of others clinging to stereotypes. Good work on your first task, and you're off duty for the day." She looked to Sakuya. "I believe dinner has been postponed long enough. Sakuya, if you would?"

As Sakuya wandered off, I gave a little bow to Remilia. "Thank you… Mistress." I still didn't like addressing Remilia like a slave, but better to be a well-treated slave than a vampire's blood-bag. As I stood up straight again, I held up my numbed hand. "Now, is it okay if I go ask Patchouli what's wrong with this?"

Remilia took one glance at my hand and snickered. "That, my girl, is frostbite."

…_damn you, Cirno._


	18. Evaluation

A/N: I'm sorry I haven't gotten to this story in a while. My sister graduated recently and some family members came down from Massachusetts to celebrate. As such, the household has been busy for the past couple of weeks. I rushed to finish this chapter up and post it, so forgive me if it's a little half-baked in your view.

* * *

Before I came to Gensokyo, I had very simple tastes—plain meats and grains, a handful of vegetables, and a noticeable lack of tea or coffee. After a couple of months in Eientei, though, the types of food I would eat grew in number drastically. So, when Sakuya laid out this gourmet meal in front of me, one that I would otherwise have stayed far away from, I didn't hesitate to eat until I was satisfied. In fact, I was finished well before the other residents of the mansion.

Sakuya stopped by my seat as she collected the plates and silverware. "Would you mind helping me clean up? I know you're off duty, but this will help you to improve your standing with the Mistress."

_Well, I have nothing to do right now, and washing dishes can't be that much more difficult than back home…_ "I guess it couldn't hurt," I said, taking a portion of the dishes and following Sakuya to the kitchen.

Shockingly—I think—the kitchen was completely modern. Electric appliances, running water, a fridge… it felt like I was back at home.

Sakuya turned to me with an amused look as I took it all in. "You look surprised. Do you really think I'd have been able to make that meal without all of this?"

"No, it's just… the last time I saw a kitchen like this was in cooking class. How did you get all of this? How is it even powered?"

"Yukari owed the Mistress a favor. That's all I know of it, and to be honest I don't care to know, so long as it makes my work easier."

"So you don't bother to dig deeper? Search for the untold facts?"

Sakuya set aside her dishes and started running water in the sinks. "When you live in Gensokyo for as long as I have, Lucy, you learn not to ask questions pertaining to Yukari. As powerful as the people of Gensokyo are, the gap youkai is infinitely more powerful; a single misstep, and you won't even see the afterlife on your trip to oblivion."

"Well, I'm technically Yukari's guest, so maybe…"

"I know what you're thinking, and I wouldn't continue down that line of thought. Nobody can quite explain it, but the more time you spend with Yukari, the harder it becomes to understand her. I once asked Reimu about her; she told me that, in the beginning, Yukari was like an open book. You're slightly pleased that you don't have to make an effort to get it to open up… but then you realize the book is written in a dead language."

Sakuya began handing me soapy dishes, which I then scrubbed clean with a sponge and rinsed off, dipping them in a sanitizing solution. "So… the less I know of her, the better?"

"Yes."

There was an awkward silence for a few minutes as we did our work, mulling over what was said. After a while, Sakuya suddenly spoke up. "So… cooking class, you said?"

I sighed quietly. "Yeah. My last year of grade school, my parents signed me up so I could learn to make food for myself, prepare myself for an independent life."

"So, would you be able to, say, prepare a meal for the mansion?"

"No. I only really learned basic stuff, like handling food, knowing what equipment to use with what type of food…" I glanced at the empty counter beside the last sink in the row. "Do I leave the dishes out to air-dry, or use a rag and do it by hand?"

"Air-dry. The Mistress complains that when they're dried off by hand, the dishes give her food an odd after-taste. But then, she's the only one who complains about that."

"Figures," I chuckled. "Her vampire senses would be heightened enough that she would be able to tell the difference." I pulled the dishes I had sitting in the sanitizing solution and stacked them carefully on the counter. "Okay, my turn to ask a random question."

Sakuya cocked an eyebrow at me. "Alright, then. Proceed."

"How would you define your relationship with Hong Meiling?"

There was a clatter of dishes as Sakuya abruptly cease working. The maid's face had turned beet-red. "The… there's nothing going on between the two of us. I… I simply correct her whenever she fails to do her job properly, that's all. With sharp implements, if necessary."

_Oh, this might be fun._ I started to sneer. "Oh, come on. You don't turn a girl into a living pincushion without a reason other than 'just doing my job.' Are you sure you're not acting a bit _tsundere_?" I put extra emphasis on that last word, just to see the 'perfect and elegant maid' squirm in her slippers.

It worked… a little too well. Sakuya slowly pointed to the door. "I think it's time for you to tuck in for tonight. I can handle the rest myself."

I held my hands up apologetically. "Hey, I didn't mean to make you upset, I was just joking. No hard feelings…?"

"_Leave._"

I didn't push my luck any further. I dropped the plate in my hands, squeaked "I'm sorry" to Sakuya, and rapidly skittered out of the kitchen, not even stopping to dry my hands off. I took a quick bath, put on the nightgown generously set aside for me, and retreated to the safety of my room.

_Well… never gonna attempt _that_ again…_ I thought to myself as I hid under the covers of my bed and nodded off._ Maybe I'll ask Meiling instead, tomorrow._

* * *

"The nerve of that girl…" Sakuya mumbled under her breath as Lucy rushed away.

After making sure nobody was nearby, Sakuya pulled out a trinket and held it up in the light. It was a simple, 5-pointed silver star, with the word _Izayoi_ engraved on the surface. A simple gift from Meiling, an attempt to get Sakuya to hate her a little less. Little did she know that Sakuya never really hated her to begin with…

Lucy was right, she supposed. She _was_ a little tsundere. But the rookie didn't need to know that.

* * *

"Thank you for your cooperation, doctor. Now that the facts have been sorted out, I can make sure that my articles are completely accurate."

Eirin sat across from the tengu, arms crossed. "Don't misinterpret this as an act of altruism," She warned. "I'm only breaking doctor-patient confidentiality because of your… leverage. Speaking of which…"

"Ah? Oh, yes. Here you go." Aya tossed the Lunarian a packet of blackmail-material photos she'd used to force the truth out of her. She caught the photos with one hand and instantly brought a lighter to them, destroying the evidence.

Eirin fixed Aya with a glare once more, oblivious to the photos rapidly burning away in her bare hand. "And these are _all_ the copies?"

The tengu simply stared as Eirin overturned her now-scorched hand with a flick, dropping a pile of ashes into a wastebin. "Of course. You've been truthful to me, I'm being truthful to you."

A beep sounded from Eirin's pocket. She pulled her phone out and checked it. "…the princess said to give you a warning on her behalf: 'if your work comes crashing down on Lucy's head, I'm coming for you.' She also added a frowning face at the end, so she means business." Eirin held up her phone, displaying the **:( **emoticon for Aya to see.

Aya chuckled. "What's the worst that could happen? She gets banned from the village? Hardly a bad thing." Her work done, she stood up and made for the exit. "Well, you have a good evening. I'm off."

The moment Aya set foot outside the clinic, the muscles of her legs and wings tensed. In an instant, the world around her devolved into a field of blurred, shapeless colors as she took to the skies.

Eventually, as Aya slowed down, the blurs began to take coherent forms once more. When she stopped, she found herself at the gate of the tengu village. She waved to the gate-guard, who motioned for the gates to be opened, and strolled in. Once past the gates, Aya wasted no time in getting to her house and beginning work on tomorrow's paper.

"You were gone awfully late." Aya didn't even flinch when Momiji's voice came from the doorway. "Who's your next unlucky victim?"

"As a reporter, it's my job to make sure the people know the truth. If a handful of people need to take a hit for the enlightenment of the majority, I can deal with that." Aya picked up her notepad and pitched it to Momiji. "Get this: the outsider that went missing earlier this week? He got turned into a girl by the Lunarian's medicine, and is now taking refuge in the vampire's mansion under the cover of a new maid."

The wolf tengu read over the notes. "Well, I guess that's good news, in a sense. The little one will be happy to know her parent figure is alive and well."

"Indeed she will." Aya turned back to her typewriter, working from near-photographic memory to continue writing the article without her notes at hand. "You going to take her over there and reunite them? I'm sure that'll soften the blow of the social fallout the girl suffers, if any."

"The reunion will have to wait. The pup's a fast learner, but she still needs more time before she can be released into the wild. I only just got her walking upright without help this afternoon." A smile broke out on Momiji's face. "It was kind of cute, actually, watching her wiggle around on her own two feet. And she was so excited when she finally got the hang of it…"

Aya chuckled. "It seems I missed out on some good old-fashioned bonding time. But then, I'm a reporter; my work comes first."

Momiji's smile faded as she tossed Aya's notes back. "Whatever. Just don't come crying to me when this article blows up in your face," She said as she turned and left.

"I can guarantee that it won't!" Aya called after Momiji. After receiving no answer, she turned back to her article. "Geez, why does everybody assume my writing _always _causes trouble?"

Aya reached under her desk and pulled an energy drink from her kappa-designed mini-fridge. This was going to be a long night.

* * *

"Get up."

I moaned, curling deeper into the bedsheets. Suddenly, my cloth cocoon vanished; not yanked off, but outright gone.

I cracked open my eyes to see Sakuya standing before me. "The Mistress expected you to be up three hours ago…" She grunted. "This best not become a problem, rookie."

I glanced to the sole window in the room. The sun was already making its way through the sky. "I'm sorry. It's just that I'm used to sleeping late in the mornings. It's going to take time to adjust."

After a moment, Sakuya nodded. "Alright. Just don't let this become a bad habit. Now, get dressed." I rolled out of bed and moved to my uniform, but Sakuya interrupted me. "Oh, you won't need those today."

"Why?"

"Yesterday's job was just the Mistress making sure you could do what you were told, and you succeeded… for a given measure of 'success.' Today, it's my duty to judge your ability to complete tasks around the mansion."

"…If you say so." I donned my jeans and shirt. "Alright, what first?"

…_Girls are working…_

"My Lord," Sakuya exclaimed three hours later. "You are one of the worst house-cleaners I've ever seen!"

I was just about ready to snap the broom in my hands. "Get off my back! I've never had to meet a _vampire's_ standards before!"

"You'd best start adjusting quickly. If you hope not to be thrown out on the road, your work for the Mistress must be truly flawless."

"Well, I'm sorry that I'm not a _perfectionist_ like you!"

Sakuya seemed to find a fault in everything I did. I didn't dust properly; I didn't sweep the room thoroughly; I didn't straighten loose objects well enough. When she took me to the kitchen, I was berated for my cooking (a simple pasta meal which was proclaimed by Sakuya to be 'far from inedible, but also far from Remilia's tastes) and (once again) my cleaning capabilities.

"This is no good, no good at all. You're can't clean, you can't cook… what _can_ you do?" I didn't answer. During the silence, a fairy appeared and gave a note to Sakuya. She read it and sighed. "You know what? Let's just put this aside for now. Patchouli just called tea-time.

As she walked away, Sakuya turned back to me. "You coming?"

I nodded and followed after her.

* * *

It wasn't until this point in time that I noticed something: the Voile was a fair bit smaller than I realized. Sure, it was bigger than the main building of my high school back home (and that building was quite big), but the Library of Congress could easily top it, even if that was only due to being split into three facilities.

Sakuya noticed the distant look in my eyes and spoke up. "Something on your mind?" I had to admit, I was jealous of her balance; the tea in the cups on her platter weren't even rippling.

I blinked. "Ah, it's nothing. It's… I just realized this place isn't all that big. Built like a damn maze, yes, but not an overly-large one."

Sakuya was silent for a moment. "…I see."

We continued on to Patchouli's study. The sorceress sat in a padded chair, rattling off instructions to several Koakumas. Sakuya waited for the swarm to thin out before approaching with her silver platter. "Your tea and snacks, Patchouli."

"Thank you, Sakuya." Patchouli accepted her tea and sipped it. "Also, did you bring me the silver I requested?"

My jaw dropped as Sakuya pulled out a solid bar of silver. "It took some effort, but yes. However, I don't understand what you need all this silver for. What exactly is going on?"

"It's a long story, but I'll try my best to explain it…" Suddenly, Patchouli paused and looked to me. "Would you kindly give us a little privacy?" she asked. "There are some secret matters we need to discuss."

With a little sigh, I nodded and walked away. I disappeared between the towering bookshelves, making sure to keep the other girls in my line of sight.

Once they were out of earshot, I stopped walking and started looking around. The books around me were a marvel to behold. It wasn't the sheer number of books surrounding me that was amazing—I could go to any library and see that—it was the fact that so many of these books were indisputably _old_.

As gently as I could, I pulled a random tome from the bookshelf and opened it up, cringing at the sound of crackling, aged paper. It didn't look to be in danger of falling apart anytime soon, but I didn't want to take the risk of angering Patchouli. Turning the pages one by one, I skimmed over the text. I didn't pay much attention to what the text actually read, instead gazing in wonder at how sharp the writing still was, despite the age of the book—I could still make out the words clearly, even though there were quite a few I didn't know.

Reaching the end of the book, I returned it to the shelf and grabbed another. I continued this way for a minute or so; opening books, marveling at them, and returning them to the shelf. Eventually, I opened a book that contained an unusual entry, bookmarked with a bright pink stripe of marker ink. Piecing together what few words I could read by context, I made a rough guess as to the subject of Patchouli's writing.

_Just because something is magical doesn't mean it is beyond comprehension. _All_ phenomena can be explained in one way or another. Decades of research on my part have proven this fact time and time again._

_And yet, one supernatural phenomenon has long defied my efforts to understand it: magical inheritance. Outsider 'science' explains that ingesting the raw physical essence of another organism does not cause an individual to begin developing traits of that particular organism(and man has been proving that fact ever since he mastered fire)—the body simply attacks the alien substance and destroys it._

_But for some reason, this doesn't apply if magic enters the picture. Drink their blood, eat their flesh, whatever; if it came from a magical being, it empowers the human who ingests it. Be it a youkai, a fairy, ghost or goddess, the human body is unable to do anything as the magical forces set up shop within them… whether or not the outcome if beneficial, or harmful._

_Some Gensokyans ask why the body won't fight back against magic, regardless of the futility of such an action. I will answer this question with another question: Won't… or _can't?

The entry ended there. _Huh. Odd…_ I thought to myself. Closing the book, I moved to slide it back into its place on the shelf. Before I could do so, however, I noticed that there was no order to the book placement. I stared at the shelf for a few seconds, glancing at the few books that seemed to be in proper arrangement. _This doesn't seem to be exactly safe… there's no telling what would happen if Patchouli pulled instructions for a ritual from the wrong book…_

Making up my mind, I reached out and grabbed another book. Several minutes later, I had the majority of the shelf reassembled and looking at least somewhat neater. I just knew that they weren't in the truly proper order, understanding little of the Japanese alphabet, but damned if I wasn't trying.

"What do you think you're doing!?"

I froze. Sakuya and Patchouli stood (or rather, in Patchouli's case, floated) right next to me. With incredible speed, Patchouli snatched the books out of my hands.

"These are _my_ books, Miss Lucy. If you hope to live a long, full life, you'll find it in your best interests to _stay away_."

I raised my hands in surrender. "I was just organizing your books," I squeaked. "I saw they were out of order, and I was trying to be helpful by fixing them."

Patchouli's gaze flickered to the bookshelf. "I'll be the judge of that. Out of the way." Without a sound, I stepped away and let her examine the shelf herself. Running her fingers over the spines of the tomes, Patchouli mumbled to herself. As I watched, her eyebrows began to rise.

"Well…" Patchouli said after a few seconds. "This is a nice surprise. The Koakuma have never had the decency to keep things neat and tidy. Then you come along and do it in their stead." She gestured, and the books floated away from the shelf and rearranged themselves in groups. "Naturally, your grasp of kanji and hiragana isn't quite accurate, but at least you made the effort, and without being told to do so. Even then, you show a remarkable attention to detail in organization."

I rubbed my forehead. "I'm just trying to do anything I can so Remilia won't kick me out. I'm not the best maid, as it turns out."

Patchouli tilted her head. "You say that like you've failed a job interview. What's the problem?"

Sakuya shook her head. "She's failed to meet mine and the Mistress's standards in just about every category save appearances. She looks good in a maid outfit, but that's pretty much it; currently, she'd be better off just letting the Mistress feed on her."

"Allow me to take her off your hands, then." Patchouli handed me the book in her hands. "How would you like to become my personal assistant?"

I stared at the book silently for a moment. Finally, I tucked it into the sole empty gap between the books. "I'd be happy to."


	19. Trouble on the Horizon

Again, sorry for taking my sweet time getting these chapters out. I just got my freaking laptop to start properly patching my Touhou games, and I've been going on some nostalgic bullet hell trips.

Also, although I haven't had any people asking me about it, I'm afraid that I wasn't exactly clear when I explained Lucy's weakness to hot/cold, so I'll fix that right now. To clarify, she can still survive in any environment a normal person would, but she needs time to adjust to a change in temperature. You know how you step out of an air-conditioned house into 100-degree heat, and it feels like you just stepped into Hell? Well, Lucy gets hit much harder by things like that.

Lastly, I've been getting flak about my portrayal of Cirno and the other higher fairies. By the time this chapter is out, I'll have retconned all that crap back to canonical status.

* * *

I watched as Patchouli laid out ten slips of paper in front of me. Each of them was labeled with a random number, all the way up into the five-digits, and a letter.

"Alright," Patchouli instructed me. "On my mark, I want you to organize these strips numerically, lowest number to highest. Once I've confirmed that the order is correct, you will then re-organize them alphabetically. Are you ready?"

Simple enough. I nodded. "Ready."

"Go."

As soon as I had them arranged by their letters, Patchouli spoke up. "Time." She looked to Sakuya. "How did she do?"

Sakuya glanced at her stopwatch. "Eight point nine one seconds. Impressive time for a mundane human. I could have finished faster, naturally, but it's impressive nonetheless."

"Indeed. She's faster than most of the Koakuma. And unlike all those horny little devils, she's mild-mannered. Just what I need in an assistant."

"So, is this all I'm going to do?" I asked. "Straighten out the mess the Koakuma have made of this library?"

"Not quite. As an assistant, I'll also be relying on you for help with some of the things I to around Voile. Like preparing for magic rituals, running trips to the village… and keeping an eye out for Marisa."

The mention of the witch's name sparked something in my head. "Speaking of Marisa, whatever happened to her while I was out?"

Patchouli paused for a moment to recollect her memories. "The flower youkai's thrashing must have left some blank spots in her memory, because she came back thinking one of _us_ took the Hakkero instead of you (and for the record, I don't blame you for bringing her here; I blame her personality). Without it, she was quickly subdued. We sent her off to Alice Margatroid's house so somebody can keep an eye on her at all times; Alice won't easily be swayed to let her go."

"And if she comes back, you expect me to scare her off!?" I asked in disbelief.

"No, I expect you to run like hell and alert one of us as quickly as possible. I'm not heartless. Besides, it's highly unlikely that you'll encounter her anytime soon."

I thought for a moment, then nodded. "Alright. I can do that."

"Excellent. Now, before you start working, we need to work on your vocabulary. Number 32?" A Koakuma appeared from the bookshelves and took me by the arm. Hard.

I hissed in pain as the Koakuma pulled at my arm with her youkai strength. "Let go of me, damn it! You're gonna rip my arm off!"

Patchouli snapper her fingers. "Let her go, 32. She's not a child. Just take it easy and she'll follow you." She looked to me. "Once you're finished studying with her, you can have the rest of the day to yourself. Try to relax.

The Koakuma made a little noise and released my arm. "As you wish, master. Now if you'll follow me, ma'am." She floated away quietly. I walked off after her, leaving Patchouli and Sakuya alone in the open space of the Voile.

As I followed the Koakuma, a random thought struck me. _I haven't seen Yukari in a while… since she jumped into my head during my transformation, I think. I wonder what she's up to…?_

* * *

To answer Lucy's question: long story short, Yukari was busy destroying all legal traces of the girl's real-world identity.

The monitor in front of her lit up, displaying a simple message. _We were not expecting you to contact us at this time. What has happened?_

Yukari's reply, in turn, was also simple. _Circumstances forced me to make my move ahead of schedule. Now, have you eliminated the files as I requested?_

_His official records were easily tracked down. The bigger issue was miscellaneous contacts; he had over 80 separate web accounts on the internet, many of which have gone unused for several years. Kid can't clean up after himself without being reminded._

Yukari clacked her teeth as she responded. _I didn't ask if it was easy or not. I asked if you did it._

_Yes. Luke Thesda is now an un-person._

Behind her monitor, Yukari spared herself a slight grin. _Good. On another note, did any of the boy's documents mention a dog?_

_From what references were present, we counted four dogs, although one dropped off the grid two years back, so we're assuming a death._

_That'll do. Now, erase any and all information pertaining to a dachshund named Rozie. She's found her way here, as well._

_An unusual request, but it will be done._

_Good. I owe you for this._

_You owe nothing to nobody. This conversation never even happened._

As Yukari watched, the computer was assaulted by dozens of viral attacks simultaneously. Within seconds, all of the software in the computer had been utterly annihilated, filled with so much junk data, repeated lines of code, and fragmented system processes that the odds of recovering anything were next to impossible.

With a sigh, Yukari snapped her fingers. "You know the drill, Ran. Perhaps the kappa will find some use for this pile of junk."

Her kitsune was instantly at her side, bowing. "As you wish, Yukari."

"Alright." A few seconds later, Ran still stood at Yukari's side. "Since you're still here, I'm assuming you have something to tell me?"

A roll of paper poked its way into Yukari's peripheral vision. "You may want to see this. It's the latest Bunbunmaru newspaper."

Yukari skimmed over the front page and let out a half-hearted chuckle. "Well, this should stir up some chaos. That girl's had it rather easy so far, anyways."

"Also…" Ran continued. As she spoke, Yukari's expression rapidly shifted from slight amusement to absolute rage.

"Mother_fucker._"

* * *

I'm not the kind of person who bores easily, so it's saying something that I started dozing off during the Koakuma's grammar lessons. Not that I was having trouble with anything —I learn fast, and retain knowledge fairly well—but the fact that I'd essentially learned this shit long ago in my native language was disconcerting, as I hate having the same information given to me multiple times.

#32 seemed to notice this, as she reached out and gently shook me. "Are you alright?"

I sat up and stretched out in my seat, yawning. "Yes, I'm fine. It's just that… how much longer until we're done here?"

The Koakuma frowned, sad as if I wanted to be rid of her, but waved her hand. "I was just finishing up when you started dozing off. Did you take notes?" I handed her the sheet of paper I'd written on, and she examined it. "Alright… I can't read this, but it looks like you were thorough.

I folded up my notes and stuck them in my pocket. "Now, to find the exit…" Off to the side, I saw a set of double-doors. "Oh, that was easy."

I walked away. The Koakuma saw the door I was walking to, and suddenly started forward. "Wait, don't! That's—"

I wasn't listening, unfortunately, and was already moving to open the door. The moment my hand came in contact with the doorknob, a bolt of electricity shot up my arm and through my entire body. Stunned, I fell backwards towards the floor.

Before I hit it, though, I was caught by the Koakuma. "Goodness! Are you okay!?" She asked worriedly.

My limbs were unresponsive and there was a persistent buzz in my ears, but I managed to respond. "I think so." I'd been electrocuted before in my life, when I'd attempted to plug a device into a wall socket that hadn't yet been made a closed circuit (my family's house was still under construction, and everything wasn't quite completed yet, and nobody had placed any warning signs on the circuits), but that was just a little static zap compared to what had just happened.

"Just to be safe, I'm going to do some tests. Now, try to follow my finger…" A few tests later, and the Koakuma had determined that I wouldn't suffer any lasting damage. "That was close. You need to watch where you're going next time."

"What… happened, exactly?"

Koakuma pointed to the doors. There was a barely-noticeable engraving of a crescent moon in the wood. "That's Miss Knowledge's personal study. The doors are enchanted so nobody can enter."

"Nobody's ever been beyond those doors. Not even me." A sharp and haughty statement announced Remilia Scarlet's arrival. I craned my neck to look to my vampire mistress. "I sensed your pain and came to see what was going on. As I can see, you were just poking your nose where it didn't belong. Mind explaining that?"

The Koakuma pulled me up to my feet, helping to keep me steady until I could stand on my own again. "It was an accident," I responded. "I was just looking for an exit, and I hadn't been warned of trapped doors." The Koakuma nodded, supporting my story.

Remilia folded her arms and glared at me. "…Well, if it was just a misunderstanding, and you have a witness, I guess I can let this slide."

I tried to bow, but struggled to keep my balance on weakened legs. "Thank you, Mistress. Now, could you please point me to the real exit?"

With a sigh, Remilia pointed in the direction from which she came. "Just stick to the wall and look for a set of doors that looks brand-new. Damned things get destroyed or blown off their hinges far too often to accumulate any sort of wear."

"Thank you." Nodding farewell to the girls, I walked away. Eventually, I found the doors Remilia had indicated and succeeded in exiting the library. Finally having a reasonable amount time to myself, I wandered to my room and picked up the duffel bag given to me by Patchouli.

It was time to take my new toy for a test run.

* * *

"Newspaper…" The voice of a certain crow tengu echoed from the Hakurei Shrine's front entrance.

Reimu groaned. "Go away, Aya! I don't want your crappy paper. All it is, is a compilation of slander and gossip that disgraces the people you write about."

On the other side of the door, Aya snorted. "How rude. I, the pure and honest Shameimaru, would never allow such things to be published. I hold only the utmost respect for my readers!"

"Yeah, I'll believe that the day Suika gives up drinking."

Aya was quiet for a moment. "How could you refuse to buy a paper if you won't even look at it?"

Finally, with an explosive sigh, Reimu stood up and walked to the door. Opening it, she snatched the paper from Aya's hands. She glanced at the headline… and froze.

Aya watched Reimu stare at the paper with a look of satisfaction. "It looks like you're interested. Now, would you like to buy a copy?"

"Tell me you haven't already been to the dollmaker's house."

Aya blinked. "Come again?"

Reimu looked up, and Aya _froze_. Being a youkai, the tengu knew a look of bloodlust when she saw it. What she was seeing in the cold, expressionless shrine maiden's eyes, however… this was something beyond that. "Have you sold a paper to Alice Margatroid, or _not_? It's a simple yes or no question."

"Look, this is business. I can't just reveal confidential information to consumers at the drop of a hat—" Aya started, but Reimu's quiet fury silenced her. She took a step back from the angry Hakurei. "Okay, okay, yes! I did! I just arrived here after stopping at her place! There, are you happy now…?"

Aya's answer did nothing to soothe the savage beast in front of her; in fact, her barely-suppressed rage intensified. "Hey, what's the deal? I answered your question like you wanted! Why are you so mad all of a sudden?"

Reimu's answer came in a cold monotone. She held up the paper and pointed at the boy-turned-maid-girl outsider on the front page. "I'll tell you why. You just sentenced this girl to death."

* * *

The cold air outside the mansion bit into my exposed skin just like before, but this time my makeshift coat was helping to keep me warm for the most part. Hopefully Sakuya wouldn't get too mad at me…

I stopped once I was outside the brick wall that surrounded the SDM. I glanced around and spotted Meiling with her back propped up against the wall. I walked over to her. "Hello?"

No response from the sleeping girl. Frowning, I clapped several times, right next to her ear. Again, she didn't respond. I pinched her arm. Nothing.

I took a step back. "God, she's practically Sleeping Beauty…" I silently checked my surroundings. Satisfied that I was alone, I drew a fist back and slugged Meiling across the face.

This accomplished two things: it gave me a bruised and throbbing hand, and Meiling's head drooped to the side from the impact. Clutching my hand, I glared at the implacable sleeping woman.

_Nothing works…_ I thought to myself. Disappointed, I sighed. In front of me, the wind of my sigh blew gently through Meiling's hair.

Instantly, Meiling's eyes flew open and she jerked forward.

I fell backwards with a cry of shock, landing in a very uncomfortable position on top of the gear I'd brought with me. "_Who is there!? State your business at the_…" Meiling's words of challenge drifted off as she looked down at me. "…Oh. Uh, you are the new girl, are you not? The one I saw at the dinner table last night?" Now that I was speaking Japanese instead of relying on the translation enchantment, I noticed that Meiling had a sharp, old-timey accent that I could only assume to be due to her supposedly-Chinese roots.

"Yes…" I groaned. I rolled off the bag onto my belly, sitting there for a few seconds. "The name's Lucy. I presume you're Hong Meiling?"

"Indeed I am." Meiling reached down and pulled me back to my feet. "Sorry for startling you. How can I help you?"

"Nothing big, really. First, how good is your throwing arm?"

Meiling didn't answer right away. Instead, she walked back and forth across the brick wall surrounding the SDM. Eventually she found a stone, about the size of my fist. Picking it up, she chucked it—clear over the roof of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. "Is this satisfactory?"

I didn't even hear an impact. "Definitely." Meiling watched me with a confused look as I opened the bag and assembled my shotgun. "If you could use just a little less force, though, so I can actually hit something."

"What is that?" Meiling asked. "A tool for channeling your danmaku?"

I snickered as I loaded a single buckshot shell into the tube. "If I could use danmaku, perhaps. No, this is my substitute for danmaku." In a calm, fluid motion, I raised the shotgun and fired. The butt of the gun slammed into my shoulder with considerable force, but it was a small price to pay; the storm of buckshot tore into a nearby tree, sending shreds of bark and splinters everywhere. _It's hard to believe that years of playing shooters and paintball would pay off like this._

Meiling examined the mutilated tree, eyes wide. "I would be careful with that device, Miss Lucy. It looks like something that could kill, and killing is a severe violation of the spellcard system…"

"I know. That's why Patchouli gave me some non-lethal charges." I pumped the shotgun to eject the spent shell. Pulling some crystal shells from the bag, I reloaded the gun. "So, I just need you to throw rocks, and I'll see if I can hit them. Is that okay?"

"Certainly. Now, if we could do this while not facing the mansion, I am sure that many people would appreciate it." I nodded, and turned my back to her. "Tell me when you want me to start."

"Go." As the first stone arced over my head, I fired. Instead of the normal booming report of a normal shell, the shotgun made a sound like a thunderclap, and with a brilliant pink flare, a half-dozen thumb-sized orbs of light emerged from the barrel.

The shot was a clear miss. Off to the left, some bare branches were blown off the upper end of a tree. With a hiss, I slapped myself. _Why the hell did I just shoot from the hip? God, I'm an idiot._

Meiling picked up another rock. "Do you want me to try again?"

"Yes, please." The next stone went airborne, and this time, I had the common sense to aim down the sights of the gun.

This time, the danmaku went exactly where I wanted it to; however, I forgot to take into account the fact that I wasn't using normal ammunition. The danmaku flew through the empty air where the second rock had been less than half a second earlier. _That's better. Now, I just need to lead the target. Just act as if you're using a typical projectile weapon…_

I raised a finger to stop Meiling before she spoke. Raising the shotgun once more, I fired three times, once each at three individual trees of differing distances, to gauge the speed of the blast. "Alright, I almost had it. One more time please, Meiling."

Third time's the charm; the final rock was swallowed up by a cloud of red magic. There was a sound not unlike the crunch of a car's wheels on a gravel road, and a small cluster of pebbles fell to the ground. It was a small accomplishment, but one that I couldn't help but whoop in joy at. I was now one step closer to becoming somebody in the land of Gensokyo.

Behind me, Meiling clapped her hands. "Good shot. Would you like to go again?"

"Definitely. This time, let's try hitting a target from a little further away." Meiling nodded and threw the next rock with much greater force. Running the math in my head, I took aim.

The moment I pulled the trigger, something far, far away exploded.

The shockwave, the sound of the explosion itself, and the sheer suddenness made me jump in shock, the motion redirecting my shot into the ground at my feet. My makeshift coat blocked most of the dust and rock from the impact of the shot, but I still felt some of the debris pelting my legs.

"What the hell was that…?" I asked as an involuntary shudder ran through me.

Meiling sprang into action, leaping in front of me and settling into a fighting stance. The air around her began to ripple and distort as the gate guard's aura emerged. "I do not know, but I can feel the Qi of something coming towards the Mansion, something very, _very_ infuriated. You should get inside." I didn't bother to agree with her, gathering up my gear and making a run for the gate.

As I looked back, I swore I saw the shadow of a rainbow in the sky.


	20. Catastrophe in Voile, Part II

A/N: My god, this chapter was absolute hell to write. And to make things worse, I'm dangerously close to starting my next semester at college, which will make it take even longer for me to get chapters out. Sorry, guys. I won't beg you to stick with me if you don't like how long things take, but if you did so anyway, I'd appreciate it.

* * *

Reaching the front door of the mansion, I grabbed the handle and swung it open. However, I didn't know that Sakuya was attempting to open the door at the same instant, so I ended up yanking the maid right on top of me. Thankfully, my stance prevented me from falling over due to the extra weight on me.

Sakuya quickly regained her senses and got off of me. "What… Lucy? What are you doing? What's going on…" She looked me up and down. "…And why are you wrapped up in the SDM's bedsheets?"

I shook my head. "I was out with Meiling, who was helping me with some target practice… suddenly there was an explosion, and Meiling said something was coming this way…"

"And the bedsheets?"

"Does that _really _matter right now!?" I cried in response.

Sakuya frowned, but shook her head. "I guess not. Some dirty laundry won't compare to the potential damage that will occur if the Mansion gets attacked." She stepped out of my way. "Get inside, find a place to hide; you're practically defenseless at the moment. I'll go see what I can do to help Meiling."

I nodded and rushed into the mansion, already having a hiding spot picked out. Right inside, however, Remilia was waiting with a lance made of blood-red energy in hand. "What's going on _now_? I swear, you little brat, if you—"

I didn't even pause. _"Not me this time!"_ I interrupted, skipping right around the vampire and running for the Voile.

* * *

"Are those… rainbows?" Meiling stared up at the sky.

"Meiling!" Sakuya appeared right next to her, knives drawn. "What's going on?"

"Look for yourself." Meiling pointed up. Sakuya followed her finger until her eyes came to rest on the rainbow trail, growing ever-brighter as it drew near. There were only two people in Gensokyo with a rainbow motif, and one of them was right next to Sakuya…

As realization dawned on the maid, her cool maid façade fell away entirely, and in its place was shock and disbelief. "Oh, dear God, it's Marisa."

* * *

I burst through the doors of the library. I zigzagged through the rows of bookshelves, brushing fairy maids and several Koakuma out of my way. I didn't know where I was going, and I didn't really care, I was just trying to hide myself.

Without warning, there was a collision. My movement came to a rapid halt as I tumbled end-over-end for several yards. When I finally felt my motions stop and the dizziness faded, I realized that I'd landed on something soft. But what?

Opening my eyes, I found my face inches from Patchouli's.

We were both silent for several seconds, staring at one another. Although I was in danger even at that very moment, I couldn't help but think to myself how nice Patchouli's eyes were. Violet irises and a dull, yet focused gaze, they reminded me of someone who didn't really give much of a damn about anything outside their passions… someone like me.

I thought for a second that my vision was wierding out, as the color appeared to drain from Patchouli's face as I stared into her eyes….

…_Oh crap, she _is_ getting paler!_ I sprang off of Patchouli as she began to turn blue. With my weight off her chest, she let out a pained gasp. She rolled onto her side and broke into a hellish fit of coughing, occasionally broken by dry wheezing.

"Oh, god, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…" I rapidly apologized to Patchouli. "I wasn't paying attention, and you came flying out of nowhere. I swear, it was an accident…"

Over time, Patchouli's coughing lessened, eventually ceasing completely. When she spoke, she sounded like she was still in pain. "It's… okay. But I don't… want this to… happen again… alright?"

I nodded. "Yes, absolutely. Here, I'll help you up." I reached out and gripped Patchouli's arms, pulling her to her feet. Once she was standing on her own again, I picked up the books she'd been toting and handed them to her.

"Thank you." Patchouli let out a strained sigh. "Now… what's going on that has you in such a rush?"

I was going to answer, but there was a sudden pop of displaced air. Looking down, Patchouli discovered a slip of paper sitting atop her books. "Oh? A note from Sakuya…" I slipped around to her side, reading the note silently.

As we skimmed over the note, both of us paled. I slowly looked to Patchouli, furious. "I thought you told me I wouldn't have to confront Marisa!?"

"I never said it couldn't happen, I said it was _unlikely_." Patchouli shot an annoyed glance over her shoulder. "I can't predict what will happen beyond the walls of my library, girl. I'm just as concerned as you are." The muffled sounds of explosions echoed through the Voile. "First thing's first—where is the Hakkero?"

I retrieved the object in question from my back pocket and held it up. "I keep it on me at all times." I offered it to her.

"No, keep it. It should still be rigged to backfire if it's used, but I suspect it will only work once before Marisa figures it out and undoes my trap."

I glanced at the object warily. I'd had the damn thing blow up in my face once; I wasn't all that enthusiastic about a second occurrence. "Okay… so I use it to stun her, and—"

"**NO!"** Patchouli screamed. I flinched back. "You do NOT attempt to confront Marisa under ANY circumstances! She's faster than you, more experienced than you, and even without the Hakkero her magic is _vastly_ superior to mine. She has stood toe-to-toe with the most powerful youkai in Gensokyo; people like me are little more than bumps in the road before her, just as you are to me.

"You do not try to stand up to Marisa, you do not try to talk Marisa down, and you _most definitely_ do not try to fight her. No amount of surprise or deception can help you; if you face Marisa, _she will kill you._ You flee, and you hide, and if she draws near you start running and keep on running. Am I clear!?"

Cowed by the rage and power in Patchouli's voice, I shrunk back. "Crystal."

Patchouli was right—I was _nothing_ to Marisa. As Patchouli had spoken, the sounds of explosions had gotten gradually gotten closer and louder. At this point, I could feel the ground vibrating with each blast. A feeling of complete helplessness was quickly overtaking me.

"Knowing Marisa, she should just come crashing through the wall or ceiling, so the hallways should be clear." Patchouli pointed towards the nearby exit. I suddenly realized that, in my earlier panic, I had run myself in a circle "Now, get out of here. Marisa knows the Voile like the back of her hand, so hiding here is moot. Go!"

I nodded and sped away, slinging my bag back over my shoulder. Reaching the exit, I grabbed the knob…

The doors exploded inward. Stunned, I was thrown to the side by the explosion. If my life wasn't at stake at the moment, I probably would have lashed out at Patchouli in my shock for being misdirected. My body throbbed with a dull pain, but otherwise I was fine.

A black-white silhouette emerged from the debris cloud. "I can smell the Hakkero's magic in here… Show yourself, you thieving bitch!"

"Leave this place, Marisa." Patchouli growled. She'd dropped all but one of her books, and the remaining tome started to glow with an ethereal light. "You've already destroyed this library twice in one week, and I have no intention of letting you do so a third time."

Marisa's voice positively dripped with rage. "I'm not interested in you or your stupid books; I'm here for the bitch who took my Hakkero from me. Hand her over, and I'll go." A ring of miniature suns flared into life around the witch. "Get in my way, and I'll do to you what I did to the three before you! Now where is the outsider!?"

"Now, think about what you're saying. If there really was a thief in my library (besides you, obviously), don't you think I would have—"

"WHERE IS SHE!?" Marisa screamed.

"Beyond your reach." With a flick of her hand, Patchouli produced a spellcard. "Now, I'm not going to ask again. _Leave._"

"…Fine. Have it your way." Marisa hissed. "Wherever the bitch is, you better hope she's planning your funeral as we speak!"

And with a flash of light, the two girls went at it. With all of Marisa's attention focused on Patchouli, I saw my opportunity to run. Looking back, however, I discovered that Marisa had collapsed the library exit on her way in. I was trapped.

"Oh, no. No, no, no, no…" I mumbled to myself in panic. I examined the rubble as best as I could, but I just couldn't see a safe way through that wouldn't make noise and draw attention to me. I was left with no choice but to hide in the library as I originally planned. Taking a moment to open the bag and take out my shotgun, I turned and ran away, deeper into the Voile.

* * *

As these events transpired, a small group of fairy maids and Koakuma had gathered on the fringes of the library. The fairies, being the simple-minded spirits they were, were just flocking to the noise (and crying out in despair at the mess they would eventually be forced to clean). The Koakuma, on the other hand, were sophisticated enough to know that whatever was going on, it was serious. They whispered between one another, trying to discern what exactly was happening...

…and then they noticed the tell-tale shockwaves of a Royal Flare coming straight their way. _"MOVE!"_ someone screamed.

As one, the Koakuma fled, each going their own way. Back at the impending Ground Zero, the fairy maids had just enough time to realize that they should have followed the Koakuma, before being disintegrated.

One Koakuma, in particular, fled in the direction that the girl her master called Lucy had taken off. It took some time, with the girl having had a 15-second head start, but eventually she found her on the far rim of the library, near Master's archives.

* * *

I recognized the door from the crescent-moon engraving. I unslung my gear bag, leaving it propped next to the door. After working out the fact that only the doorknobs were electrified, I took a moment to sit down and catch my breath, my back to the door.

The sound of flapping wings suddenly reached my ears. On reflex, I brought up my shotgun, finger on the trigger. It was only a split-second of hesitation that allowed me to recognize the Koakuma I was aiming at. "Koaa…"

I cocked my head. "Oh, wait. I remember you. You're the one who talks like a Pokémon…"

"Koa."

I sighed and nodded. "Right. Koa." I lowered my shotgun. "Look, I'm sorry about that. I'm just… on edge, what with Marisa out for my head. Now, I'm kind of busy here; what is it you need?"

"Ko, koa koakoko koako," Koa explained.

I shook my head. "I'm sorry, but I can't understand you. Maybe if you spoke English, or Japanese, I could hold a normal conversation with you…"

In the distance, the sounds of combat were getting louder, indicating an increase in the battle's intensity… or proximity. "Again, I'm sorry, Koa, but I have to keep moving. If you could maybe, pass a message to the other Koakuma to try and clear the exit so I could escape, please?"

Pushing myself up to my feet, I reached for my bag, preparing to get back to maintaining the distance between me and the incoming hellstorm. After reconsidering the fact that it would only slow me down, I simply opened the bag and retrieved as many shotgun shells as I could fit in my pockets and left, veering off through the aisles.

Without warning, there was a sound like shattering glass magnified tenfold, and all sounds of combat ceased. I froze. I'd heard that sound many, many times before, and it could only mean one thing…

I started running again, even faster than before, as Marisa's roar echoed off the domed ceiling of the Voile. "NOW IT'S YOUR TURN, LITTLE GIRL!"

* * *

Koa didn't need to hear the witch's scream of triumph to know that Master had been beaten. As one of her many familiars, the Koakuma immediately felt her magic energy being siphoned off to rejuvenate Patchouli. It wasn't a crippling loss of energy of course, Koa being just one of many familiars, so she was fine for the time being.

Now, what was it Lucy had requested of her? Something about her sisters… oh, right. Getting her fellow Koakuma together and clearing out the rubble blocking the exit. She should get to that, she thought to herself. Glancing over, she saw the bag Lucy had left in her rush. Not wanting to leave it to get taken by that witch, Koa picked it up and hung it over her shoulder, holding it away from her wings. Lucy would hopefully appreciate it.

Koa began rising above the bookshelves when she heard a chain of explosions. She rose even faster, trying to see what was going on. In the center of the library, the witch was lobbing magic jar-bombs all over the chamber in an attempt to flush out the girl. Occasionally, there would be a faint cry of some unlucky fairy getting blown up. Making sure to hug the far walls, Koa skirted the library and rounded up the Koakuma still present, guiding them to the rubble

When the explosions suddenly ceased, Koa paused. Concerned, she rose up to check the situation. Getting no results from her carpet-bombing, the witch had decided to try a new tactic. Drifting down to one of the bookshelves, she propped herself on her broom and placed both hands on the top of the shelf. With a grunt, she began to push.

Oh, no. she couldn't possibly…

But she did. With the creaking of wood and a tremendous crash, the bookshelf began to fall beneath the witch's hands. The falling shelf landed atop the one directly adjacent to it, the momentum causing it to tip over as well. Immediately, Marisa moved to the next shelf up and pushed it over, and the next one, and the one after that. In a cataclysmic domino effect, the Voile slowly collapsed in on itself, one ring at a time, as the few youkai left attempted to flee.

About seven-tenths of the library had been toppled when a high-pitched shriek tore through the chaotic rumbling of the bookshelves. The witch, who had moved back to admire her work, smiled evilly. "There you are." Rounding the hills of fallen books, the witch spotted her prey trapped beneath a shelf.

"Oh g-god…" Lucy gasped in terror. "Oh m-my god… the… the b-bookshelves… I, I…" Shaking, she slowly dragged herself out from underneath the bookshelf that had fallen on top of her and curled up into a ball. By some miracle, the shelf that fell hadn't been completely stocked, saving the girl's life by preventing her from being crushed underneath a mountain of books.

But that wouldn't protect her from the witch in any way, shape or form.

Reaching down, the witch grabbed a fistful of Lucy's hair and yanked up. Screaming in pain, the girl pawed frantically at the hand raising her off the ground. "Hi there," the witch said, venom dripping from her tone. "That's quite the pretty body you have there. It's a shame that I'm going to fuck it up now." The witch turned and tossed the girl. She fell in a heap atop the fallen bookshelves, not even having time to stand before Marisa was upon her.

"You thought you could hide from ME!?" the witch growled, lashing out with a kick. Her foot caught Lucy directly in the ribs, forcing the breath from her lungs in a pained cry. "You thought you could get away with stealing from ME!?" Another kick. "You are NOTHING compared to me! I am the most powerful witch in Gensokyo, and I WILL take back what belongs to me!"

On the third kick, there was a sickening crack. Even with no air in her lungs, Lucy still managed to scream in agony. She rolled over and curled up, clutching her chest. Every breath she tried to take felt like a dozen knives being driven into her.

The witch tucked a foot under the girl and flipped her over. "At least try to _stand_. This is just pathetic." The girl remained still, whimpering. Raising her broom, the witch whipped her victim across the back with the handle, forcing a scream out of her. "I said GET UP!" she screamed.

Crying in pain and fear, the girl's arms started to shift. Very slowly, she pushed herself up into a kneeling position, then a squatting position. "_Up_," the witch said, propping the girl's chin up with her broom and forcing her to rise on quivering legs. Finally, Lucy managed to stand upright.

"That's more like it," The witch noted. Then she reached out and clamped the girl's shoulder.

Dropping her broom, she reeled back and punched Lucy in the face, whipping her head back with the impact. The girl's already-unsteady legs gave out from underneath her, but the witch's solid grip on her shoulder forced her to remain upright as she received one, two, three more strikes to her face. By this time a combination of blood, spittle and tears were streaming down her chin, and her breathing was broken up by weak coughing. Twisting in place, the witch raised a foot and drove it into her chest while pulling back, only letting go once she heard the pop of Lucy's arm being wrenched out of her socket.

Lucy hit the ground once again, sheer agony taking away what little control she had left over her body. Meanwhile, the witch brought out one last magic bomb. "By now, I bet you're wishing you never crossed paths with me, let alone took the Hakkero from me. But, what's done is done, and now here we are." She took several steps back, juggling the jar with one hand as she spoke. "Now, though, as much as I want to kill you… I'd _never_ get away with it; not with people like Reimu and Yukari around. As such, I'm forced to leave you as just a sack of intelligent meat. But heed my words, girl…" She tossed the jar up into the air. _"You will never raise a hand against me again."_

Eventually, the cloud of debris dissipated, revealing Lucy's broken form lying completely still on the floor. Nodding in approval of her handiwork, the witch stepped forward. Reaching her body, she bent down and brought a hand to her neck, searching for a pulse. It was slow and weak, almost unnoticeable, but yes, Lucy's heart was still beating. Satisfied, she shifted her position and frisked the girl's pockets.

With a victorious chuckle, the witch stood up, holding her Hakkero. She took a moment to examine her precious thing.

"Marisa…" Sparing a glance over her shoulder, the witch spotted Patchouli nearby, rising slowly to her feet. As she looked past the witch, her eyes widened. "My god… Lucy…" Ignoring her body's protests, Patchouli immediately stood up straight and locked eyes with the witch. "What have you done…?" All around them, thousands upon thousands of books and grimoires took to the air. **"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?"**

A jet-black book shot into Patchouli's hands, cracking open of its own accord, as she raised her hand. Just as the words of Patchouli's spell left her lips, the witch turned and pointed. "Master Spark."

Caught off-guard, Patchouli was enveloped wholly by an immense beam of energy emanating from the Hakkero. Instantly, the books surrounding them fell to the ground. As the beam tapered off, a scorched body collapsed to the ground once again. The witch lowered her weapon. "That's more like it." For several long seconds, the library was silent. None of the Koakuma still present dared move or speak, in fear of becoming the witch's next victim.

Finally, the silence was broken by a sonic boom. Glancing out the windows, the witch spotted the crow tengu approaching rapidly, followed closely behind by a girl dressed in red and white. "Tsk. Looks like it's time for me to leave." She walked over and picked up her broom. Without warning, the witch turned and glanced directly at the group of Koakuma, freezing them in their tracks. "Hope you gals enjoyed the show."

With that, she blew a gap in the nearest wall and sped away, just as the crow tengu and shrine maiden burst through the windows and found naught but ruin.

* * *

A/N: If you people think that was a bit on the brutal side… well, it's SUPPOSED to be. Lucy is untrained, unarmed, earthbound, and has no magic to speak of. On the other hand, Marisa is experienced, heavily armed, agile, and her magic is among the most powerful in Gensokyo; plus, she had Lucy paralyzed in shock after dropping a bookshelf on her. No amount of wank on my part could save Lucy from being, at the very least, traumatized by her confrontation with Marisa.


	21. Fallout

I'm sorry that it's been so long since the last chapter. Real life can suck sometimes.

I received an anonymous review on the last chapter that brought up a fair point: they claimed that I went overboard with Marisa's brutality, and that she was extremely OOC. Looking back, it's kinda true, but the alternative that the reviewer brought forward seemed equally OOC—that Marisa went around complaining to everyone until she got what she wanted. I'll offer this as a rebuttal: she's nobody's bottom bitch. She was stolen from, lied to, chained up, and otherwise humiliated by the people of the SDM. Given her canonical personality (unsympathetic, impulsive, and condescending), I wouldn't say she's above violence like this.

Plus—go ahead and ready your torches and M2 Flamethrowers, people—I'm too lazy to go back and revise that chapter now that it's already done, especially since it was so tough for me to write.

This message is for you, whoever you are: If you'd like to make constructive criticism, please do so using a legitimate FanFiction account so I can reply to it instead of doing this.

XXXXX

_I glanced around me, taking in the sights of the Voile. Not a single fairy or Koakuma was present, leaving the library in complete silence, save for the sounds I myself made. Every other time I'd been in here, I'd been too preoccupied with something or other to just stop and take a look at the bigger picture. Damn, I'd been missing out…_

_My moment of peace and tranquility was shattered as something slammed into me from behind. I fell to the ground with a gasp of shock, but for some reason I felt no pain. Craning my neck to look up, I spotted a figure in a hooded cloak speeding away. "Hey!" I cried after the figure, but they didn't respond in the slightest._

_Growling, I pushed myself off the ground and broke into a sprint immediately, chasing after the figure. We ran back and forth through row after row of bookshelves, but the figure always seemed to be just one step ahead of me. When I got close, something would happen to mess me up and they would get away._

_Rounding another corner, I was suddenly met with the witch. Broom in one hand, spellcards in the other, she roared a challenge to the one responsible for the loss of her Hakkero. I wasted no time with her; reeling back, I punched her in the throat with all my strength. She dropped to the ground without a sound, clutching her broken windpipe, as I continued on._

_For an unknown amount of time I chased the figure through the Voile, zigzagging through rows of bookshelves, until I got fed up with my inability to catch up. At one turn, instead of following the stranger into the next row, I moved past and ran into the row just ahead of it. The figure eventually twisted around the bookshelf… spotting me running straight towards them. They tried to turn and run, but it was too late. I tackled them from behind, bringing our little game of cat-and-mouse to a close as we hit the ground together._

_The figure, a girl I realized, writhed underneath me, but I held firm. Tucking her arms behind her back to free up a hand, I smacked her head into the floor until the thrashing weakened and gave me an opening to roll her over. _

_Pulling back the hood, I stared into the eyes of a mirror reflection of myself. Our lips moved in sync as three words left my mouth: _"…What the hell?"

_Without warning, a falling book slammed into my back. Again I felt no pain, just a strange sort of disconnection from my body. Surprised, I looked up._

_My blood turned to ice as I discovered a wall of books descending towards me._

_Completely forgetting my lookalike, I got to my feet and ran. Books dropped to the ground around me as I pushed myself to run as fast as possible. But as I glanced back, the wall of text was no further away from me than before. I began to panic, running even faster than before, but still the shadow of the bookshelf crept up on me, clinging to my ankles and climbing up._

_Finally, a falling book clipped me in the side and threw me off-balance. I tried desperately to right myself, but it was too late. I fell forward and tumbled for several feet before coming to a stop. Looking back, I saw the bookshelf looming over me. Letting out one last cry of panic, I pushed myself to my feet and broke into a run—_

_But it was no use. There was a crash, and then silence._

…

_Something wasn't right. I couldn't feel anything from my ribs down. But why? It was when a pool of scarlet blood slowly crept into my vision that I realized the truth: there was no longer anything for me to feel anything _with_._

_At that point, I silently begged to somebody, anybody, to let me feel pain, if only to stop me from feeling the absolute horror I did now. Why? Why couldn't I feel anything? "Why…?" I whimpered. _

_I tried to move, but my arms wouldn't listen. I tried to breathe, but I no longer had the diaphragm required to do so. I could do nothing but lie there and shiver as my vision slowly went black and the thumping of my heartbeat in my ears grew weaker and weaker._

_I was cold… so cold…_

XXXXX

The first thing I became aware of upon waking up was the extraordinary pain. My body throbbed with a burning sensation, especially in my back, and the simple act of breathing sent spikes of agony through my chest. I could barely open my eyes further than a squint, but it was enough for me to take in my surroundings and realize I was in my room.

The second and third things I became aware of were the two women in the room with me, one on either side of my bed.

"Welcome back to the world of the living, honey," Eirin greeted me cheerfully. Sakuya sat on the other side of the bed, watching me silently. "You've been out for over a day. How do you feel?"

I working my jaw, I was slightly comforted by the fact that it wasn't broken—though I could feel multiple gaps in my teeth. I struggled to take a deep breath, deep enough to speak a full sentence, pushing back the pain. "What do _you_ think?" I gasped.

Eirin smirked as she jotted down some notes. "I'll take that as 'pissed, but otherwise doing good.' Now, let's see here…" She flipped over a page. "Quite a bit of organ trauma and some internal bleeding; seven cracked ribs (and your floating ribs snapped right off); dislocated left shoulder (your right arm, luckily, is mostly undamaged); quite a few lost teeth; and first- and second-degree magic-based burns across 60% of your back. Hell of a beating you took from the witch back there; it is _not_ pretty."

"I don't need you telling me the obvious…" I groaned. "Does anyone have a mirror?" Sakuya pulled out a mascara case and popped it open, handing it over to me. My nose was swollen and red, both my eyes were bloodshot, and there was an angry red line extending from my left eyebrow to just below my ear. And these were just the bigger injuries; almost all the skin I could see was sporting bruises of one type or another.

"Told you," Eirin noted.

"Just tell me about treatment."

"For now, I recommend a few days' bed rest, preferably three or four, before trying to move around, and about another week before you attempt any sort of strenuous activity. Your teeth should also grow back within that time."

I jerked my neck up, sending a jolt of pain down my spine, and stared in disbelief at the Lunarian. "What!?"

"That's part of what allows us Lunarians to live so long, child—our bodies mend themselves at a rate that would baffle mundane scientists. This is nothing compared to youkai healing, of course; a youkai with your same injuries would be up and moving normally in under 72 hours. Nevertheless, it's effective enough that you won't require any special treatment."

"Really?" I whimpered. "No consideration for the comfort of your patient?"

Sakuya, who had been silent up until this point, spoke up. "Right now, the Mansion's funds are being directed towards repairing the damage Marisa caused in the Voile. Miss Yakogoro is here because we needed a medical expert to look at you; we don't actually have the funds available to pay her for anything more."

Eirin nodded. "Sakuya is correct. Besides… you still have all those drugs that you nabbed from my lab, don't you?"

I flinched. "When did you… find out…?"

The Lunarian grinned sadistically. "Just now." I mentally slapped myself for walking directly into that trap. I would have done so physically, but the pain I was feeling put a damper on that plan.

Instead, I shivered. "What are you going to do to me…?"

However, Eirin's smile softened. "Don't worry, I'm not mad. Being in the Princess's favor grants you some privileges. Plus, it was admittedly kinda fun to play detective when I discovered some of my medicine was missing. Next time, though, just ask, please."

I couldn't nod in confirmation, so I had to suffice with a twitch of my head. "Okay."

"Good." Eirin stood up from her seat beside the bed. "It seems everything is in order here, so I'll be going now. Ta!"

As Eirin left, guided out by a fairy maid, I glanced over to the only other person in the room. "How's everyone else?"

Sakuya pondered my question for a moment before answering. "I got out of it with only a few scrapes and bruises, mostly, although I was knocked out when Marisa slammed me headfirst into the gate. Meiling got beat senseless, but that's nothing to her, so she's also fine. The Mistress got pinned under a collapsed wall for the majority of Marisa's assault, and that only annoyed her."

"What about Patchouli?"

"The two of you got the worst of it. Patchouli had the help of her familiars to recover, however, so that just leaves you still recuperating."

I sighed, flinching a bit as my chest burned in pain from the motion. Of course the other girls were fine—they weren't Marisa's target…

_Little fucking cunt thinks she's the only person in the world people should give a fuck about She's greedy and arrogant and she needs her pretty little face fucked up the same way she fucked up mine—_

I blinked. _Where did THAT come from? I've never been that vulgar before, not even in my thoughts…_

"Okay, so now you know the physical extent of your injuries," Sakuya continued. "Let's check and see if you're alright up here." She tapped the side of her temple.

"I'm fine," I answered on reflex.

"No, you're not," Sakuya replied harshly. "For all your Lunarian enhancements, you're still human. And no human goes through something like _that_ without some degree of emotional trauma. Now, don't you feel like _something's_ different…?"

"I've been beaten up before; this was much worse, but it's nothing I haven't experienced already," I said quietly…

_Once I get my hands on her I'm gonna break her fingers one joint at a time Shoot out her kneecaps Shove that broom of hers so far up her ass the handle will come out her throat—_

…_Oh. I think I know what's happening now. _I pushed the vulgar rage back down. "The only thing that's different… Is that I now despise Marisa with a passion."

Sakuya folded her arms and shook her head. "That's not trauma. Keep talking."

I brought my right arm up to my face and rubbed my eyes. "If I could do so without hurting myself, I would shrug. Honestly, I can't say that I feel _that_ much different." I stopped. "But…"

Sakuya tilted her head. "But?"

"This hate… It's almost the strongest I've ever felt about anything in my life." I dropped my arm. "See, Sakuya, I'm not a person who feels too much of anything. Satisfaction, annoyance, anticipation—small stuff like that, I've got in spades. But big emotions like happiness, sadness, anger, love… they just really don't come naturally to me, and when they do, they're not very strong. Now, I've had moments of rage before, but the rage is almost always irrational, and it's usually gone as quickly as it appears. But when I so much as _think _of Marisa…" The threats of the witch's impending torture and mutilation surged forward once more, but I shut them out. "I'm suddenly getting this urge to hurt her, to tear her apart, skin her alive. I push it down, but it's still there, scratching at the back of my skull. Even right now I have this… this…"

The next few seconds are a blank spot in my memory. From what Sakuya later told me, I was apparently making threats of chopping Marisa up bit by bit and feeding her own flesh to her.

I swore I could see Sakuya's already-pale skin get even paler. "…Er… well, that's certainly… I mean…"

"Oh, god, I'm so sorry," I apologized. "I didn't mean to…"

"…N-no, it's not a problem." Sakuya stood up. In doing so, she accidentally bumped a book (reading material, probably) and knocked it off. My heart skipped a beat at the sudden motion, while Sakuya instantly caught the falling book and returned it to its position. "Oh, sorry. Anyway, I think I'll just leave you to rest now. Will you be okay by yourself?"

"Yeah… I'll be good. Thanks." Sakuya nodded and left, quite hurriedly, I might add.

Now alone, I was kinda at a loss for how to kill time. I was bedridden for at least a few days

Then, I noticed a fairy maid poking through the door. As I focused on her, she slipped fully into the room and drifted to my side. This particular fairy maid had a head of thick golden hair and light blue eyes, and was looking at me expectantly.

"What are you doing here?" I asked the little thing. She remained silent, simply drifting forward and slowly setting herself down on my lap. She sat motionless, looking like a doll—it was honestly a bit creepy, if endearing. She did have cute hair though, long and blonde just like—_shit_—

_She must take really good care of that hair Perhaps I should fix that Set her hair on fire Let it burn down all the way to her scalp No even further All the way down to her skull_

_NO!_ I pushed the thoughts out of my head with all the mental force I could muster. With a sigh, I rubbed my temple with my good hand, feeling an oncoming headache. "So…" I said, looking at the fairy maid, "Are you here to help take care of me?" She nodded. "Ah, I see. That's nice, I guess..."

"Excuse me." A hand stretched out from beyond my field of view and clutched the fairy's head. "Could you allow me and Lucy here some alone time?" With a flick of the wrist, the hand sent its squirming prey soaring through the open door, which snapped shut behind her.

With that can't-give-a-fuck attitude and flawless English, I didn't need to see who was now in the room to know who I was dealing with. "Hag," I growled at the intruder in my natural tongue.

"Bitch," Yukari Yakumo bitterly replied in kind. "See? I can call people names, too." A creaking of the headboard above me, and Yukari bounced over me and landed at the edge of the bed.

"What do you want?" I asked.

"To talk. I myself would prefer to do more than talk, but that's obviously not happening in your condition. Marisa did quite the number on you."

"I was almost _killed_!" I hissed. "Why weren't you or your pets there to help me when my life was at stake!?"

"Marisa couldn't have gotten away with killing you. She knew that. Besides, this could be considered part of your punishment for getting in between those fairies the other day."

"'Getting in between'…? Hey, I stopped those pixies from tearing each other new ones. You should be _thanking_ me!"

"_Wrong!"_ Yukari shouted. The volume of her voice stunned me. "You're interfering with the order of Gensokyo, girl! The fairies are _supposed_ to fight each other!"

I was silent for a moment, confused by Yukari's words… until memories of my confrontation with the fairies surfaced in my mind. Back then, there'd been a nagging suspicion of familiarity with the scenario, but I couldn't pin down the source.

But then it hit me.

"…No, that can't be!" I choked.

Yukari cut me off by laying a hand down on my sternum and putting pressure on it, forcing the breath from my lungs in a pained cry. "It is. You single-handedly prevented the Great Fairy War from even happening. Funny thing I forgot to mention when you first came here: the timelines of Gensokyo and the outside world are not synchronized. Right now, ZUN may be working on Touhou 14, but here in Gensokyo, the Myouren temple was established just this spring, and the events of Touhou Hisoutensoku occurred only months ago. The Taoists haven't arrived yet to trigger the events of _Ten Desires_, so that leaves the Great Fairy Wars… that is, until you played arbiter between the 9-ball and the Fairies of light, massively altering Gensokyo's timeline in the process.

"You may be thinking, 'oh, but that was an isolated incident between members of a single species, so it should be fine if this one incident comes to pass,' but you're smart enough to know about the Butterfly Effect. Nothing important may happen now, or in the next few years, or even decades, but the time _will_ come when Gensokyo suffers the consequences of your interference."

"I… I didn't know…"

The pain in my chest intensified as Yukari applied more pressure. "Shut up. If I want you to speak, I will _tell_ you to speak. Got it?" I managed a weak whimper and a nod. "Good."

Yukari lifted her hand and I took in several large gulps of air. "Now, listen here, girl. It's already too late to set right what you fucked up. However, you still have a chance to at least minimize the damage."

She didn't speak for several seconds, so I took that as my cue to speak. "How?"

"In two months, the fairies of light are supposed to plant their flag of alliance in Cirno's home, which she mistakes as an act of war. Thanks to your _interference_, however, the odds of that misconception still happening are rather slim. So, here's my offer: get them at each other's throats again and plant that flag yourself within two months, and I'll forget this whole mess ever happened."

I glared at Yukari. "I have no magic to speak of. How do you expect me to get out alive if the fairies lash out and I'm caught in the crossfire?"

"Does that mean you won't do it?" Yukari folded her arms. "Well, that's too bad, because the only other option I'm offering is for me to go back in time and kill you. I can do that, of course—what with reality being my bitch, and all. You know, I've always wondered what it would look like, what it would feel like to just suddenly cease to exist… my victims are never around long enough for me to see it as it happens. If you don't intend on fixing this yourself, perhaps you'll have the free time to accompany me as _I_ do so…"

I shrunk back. "You're bluffing."

"I am most certainly _not_ bluffing." Yukari waved her hand, and a gap tore open beside her. On the other side, there was a young man laid out on a couch, fiddling with an iPad. The short, dirty chestnut hair and slightly-crooked glasses tipped me off to the fact that the man was _me_. "Such a shame it would be, to off you in that state. You had nothing to live for in that old life, and coming to Gensokyo was an opportunity to begin anew, in spite of all the shortcomings you've had up until this point. To instead be snuffed out in your meaningless old life…" She paused. "Actually, I might not kill you straightaway. Perhaps I'll just torture your past self and observe the effect it has on you; saw off some limbs, remove some internal organs and—"

"Alright, alright!" I threw up my good hand. "I'll do it… Just… stop. Please."

The gap closed as Yukari clapped her hands. "Good girl. I knew you'd come around." A new gap opened up, large enough for Yukari to step into. "Remember—two months. Don't disappoint me."

With that, Yukari was gone. And then I was alone once more.

So that was that. I had two months to convince four girls to kill each other. And I was stuck in this damned mansion for God knows how long until I was fit again. There was no point in asking myself, "This can't get any worse, can it?", because it most certainly _could_ and _would_.

The real question was, _how_ much worse would it get, and _when_?


End file.
